If I’m Being Honest

If I’m being honest, I don’t really know what to write.

If I’m being honest, I wasn’t really planning on writing. But we can’t wait around for plans and hopes because they never go the way we want to.

If I’m being honest, I’m in a really confused state right now. I look around and see my friends achieving great things and it feels like that I’m always at square one. And I always say that it’s good to start at square one, but when all roads lead back here it doesn’t feel so good anymore.

If I’m being honest, I’m scared of the future. Yes, uncertainty is exciting because it’s full of opportunities, but it’s also terrifying. Sure it’s great if everything goes right — but what if everything goes wrong?

If I’m being honest, it’s hard to stay positive all the time. The only reason I try to stay positive all the time and convince myself that every problem has a way out is because I might go insane if I didn’t. I know for some people, it’s easy to think that every day is a good day, but for most (including me) it isn’t.

If I’m being honest, I’m sick of seeing hypocritical people. I’m sick of people faking their way through life, saying one thing and doing another. I’m sick of seeing people fake a lifestyle and seeing other people treat them like gods for it

If I’m being honest, sincerity is scarce. People get away with being fake, so why be genuine? It’s so rare to find people who are real, who are genuine, who are unabashedly themselves.

If I’m being honest, I don’t really know who I am as a person. Am I a writer if I rarely write? Do I love films if I don’t watch movies more than once a week? Do I still have the same dreams I used to or will I become a person who just is a bag of what-ifs and never-dids?

If I’m being honest, I might look back and hate myself for writing this. This is peak cringe material. But I’m tired. I’m tired of always teetering at the edge of doing, always saying that I’ll do it but never actually doing it. I’m tired of considering if others will like me but never thinking about if I genuinely like myself. I’m tired of staring at all of my ideas that I excitedly wrote down in my notes and realizing that I’ve never made any of them into a reality.

If I’m being honest, this is scary to write.

But if I’m being honest, I think I would’ve hated myself if I didn’t.