Divine Feminine

When the wind from the lake, passes through the dense tropical climbers of snake forest, I open the window from the attic and look into the darkness outside. I haven't left that habit until now and I saw Maya my cousin laugh at me, "you don't change ...eh ..?" she asked me "what do you see, the Gandharvan, the yakshinis, or just glow worms, ?"

I know she was referring to the divine celestial beings who visited our family-owned snake forest and Nagaraja, temple.

She was always good at picking me, Do you remember what you used to say since childhood, you see them. you are crazy my dear, divine madness .!!Maya told shaking off her shoulders those thoughts 

I sat on the bed, inhaling the fragrance of jasmine and other wildflowers...lost in my mystic ecstasy.

Nothing could complete me as my village, my ancestral home, the darkness inside, probably there I meet my three levels of self . My shadow, my fears, my Shame, guilt..my emotions my underground  My happiness, my mirth, my passion and my thoughts that is not belonging to this realm, 

But I belong to the middle realm of redness, white mixing with black.

I told Maya," yes maya I feel the woman in me expand, oh totally robbed in those red garments like Madhaviyamma and take the ceremonial sword and bless. I kind of become the Goddess ."

I have read that book Maya told me, female face of God, it was on your great grandmother. Maybe you are here, who just came back .

"Maybe ...I still feel my blood rise when I see the kuthambalams of temples where our kind, our women danced thiruvathira. ,young girls ...for those ..wild men .."

I told 

Oh ..Aruna don't start over, people dance thiruvathira .today too, but well dressed..okay Maya interfered

"It is not about that dear, It hurts when you think one is being objectified for their gender ...:

"They say in matriarchal system Nair woman enjoyed power, they had the right to chose, they ruled family ...what a nonsense ...history says 

It is was the worst system, where young girls were scared to get menstrual periods and men afraid to marry as their wife is not their wife ,not even on the nuptial night , they are only to fight wars for the king while their women get raped , used...."I bit down my anger and bitterness.

Madhavi..fought. she trained people, she abolished dance floors, taught women kalari and she fought for right to cover up her women hood, 

She ..used to be the Rurujith Maya and I see that light .."I told 

Do you do all this stuff there too, Maya was asking me about my international life.

Unlike My grandmother, I did not have any adiyar to protect, assemble, make groups and fight the ruthless might.

But yeah. I hear them call me witch, pagan and Some like it while some are scared. I live my magic.

The divine feminine is at stake, any country, any continent anywhere but I practice my ways ...

I cannot wander at kanyakumari like Mayiyamma, feeding dogs.

But Yeah I see, dark hounds run to me, cats rubbing around me.

I meditate Maya ...still and If makes me different. I told.

Have you stopped searching for that guy Maya just asked?

She was laughing ...aloud and now my Aunts too joined.

Maya..that's no guy..that is Dattatreya..he is a sage. I need to find him. I would one day run to Manikarnika ghat and wait there hoping to see that eyes like a fire ball and I would tell him I have been searching for him since births and rebirths and now he needs to teach me and liberate me .

My aunt came in and kept the cold water near me.

You are different my dear, my aunt told me , you are not like others and you will sure find him and then do the ultimate good this society needs. My aunt wanted to stop the dispute, and she and after all, they all believed, that I am someone who is walking some paths, which is not always most family women just doI am not a monk or some aunty ..I told...I am not a vedanthic or renunciation, telling this world is an illusion etc but like Ramakrishna ...I am her devotee ..The devotee of the time, her who is timelessness ..maha kali.Vendantha is the end of Veda according to me , but denying world is not what Veda says...

You are chosen one child, your grandmother used to say, I mean my mom, my aunt told me.

Mayamma tucked my blanket and while leaving the room she told me, don't sit all night, reading your crazy stuff.

My aunt told me, don't you worry why life is not kind to you, your kindness, your integrity. Your sovereignty and your principles are all that matters .

Earned nothing much ..aunty, failed at many places ...

Those are your keys ..to open the world My aunt told me.

The pain you feel, abandonment and social aparthied you go through are your fuel. Maya too told while leaving the room.

Like any woman I had dreams more colorful which faded soon, but I still have dreams today that I had then ..a dream with greater end with silver linings 

Now I walk on this earth, I can feel my DNA burning at injustice like Madhavi when I see rights thwarted and violated .

In the emptiness of that night , I tried to slip into my your Nidra 

I almost felt the drums and special Veena which used to be played in our temple, snakes sipping the turmeric and milk girls moving in the Kalams, the caricature made with dried herbs, and I saw myself dancing with my anklets..in red Rob and ..ceremonial.sword ..blessing with my own blood ...to create a new world for women, the Divine feminine.