Innocence, Where Are You?

My dear Innocence,

It’s been too long since you left me and but there is not a day I do not think of you dear.

It was only until you were with me that I knew how to enjoy every moment of my life. I still remember that day, when I could roll over and laugh for an hour for the silliest thing on earth. I was leaning against a stack of beds and suddenly the stack got disturbed and the beds fell all over. What is so funny about this? But I could not control the fit of laughter for almost an hour!

This is even more stupid. While I was in middle school, one day a bunch of girls including me shared some jokes and started laughing between two sessions. Our Hindi teacher entered the classroom and started her lecture. I could not stop laughing and she caught me.  

“What’s so funny? What are you laughing at? Are there any monkeys dancing over here?”

Her question only tickled me more, though I tried my best to stop laughing. She got enraged and insulted and called me near. She screwed my ear and scolded me. Even then, I could only laugh more, though tears rolled down my eyes because of the pain!  

Even today, when I look back and recollect these incidents, I can laugh! But I cannot laugh even at the best joke today! What happened?

In those days, most of the children of lower-middle-class families hardly owned any toys. The richest families would buy their children a wooden rocking horse or a wooden walker for toddlers. The rest of us played with stones, sticks, seeds and at most a skipping rope. But I never ever felt the lack of toys in my childhood, because we all enjoyed most, playing together for hours on end. We played hide and seek, skipping, hopping, gilli-danda, mara-kothi, lagori and such other games, which needed no expensive gears. We never ‘dressed’ for games, as today’s children do. We wore the worst of clothes to play because we could dirty them without hesitation. I can bet none of today’s children enjoy their time at the tennis court or cricket field or swimming pool with the best gear and outfit as much as we enjoyed playing in open grounds, kicking the dust! Okay, forget today’s children! I do not remember any day that I enjoyed so whole-heartedly, without any worry, after my childhood!

The excitement that I got when my uncle bought me a Cadbury chocolate bar for the first time is immeasurable. Today, I can buy any number of chocolates or anything I want to eat but I cannot get that pleasure. The best part of our time together was that I could forget unpleasant moments very easily. I would be so upset about my bad marks or when my mother scolded me for something but my mood would change very soon, with just a hug from my mother or even a few soothing words from her. But after you left me, this has become a big challenge for me. I cannot forget the injury caused to my heart. When someone hurts me with his or her sharp tongue, the experience leaves a permanent scar in my heart and despite my best efforts, I am unable to forget those unpleasant moments. Such memories keep haunting me every minute. When I go back to my childhood, I can recollect only pleasant memories most of the time and even a few unpleasant moments that I do recollect did not hurt me back then, as much as they do today! That’s strange! This is proof enough that as long as you stayed in me, I had a healthy mind, which focussed more on positive things in life.  

You have left a few traces of yourself in me but those are buried deep inside my heart. They do show up very rarely. For example, one day when I was in my late twenties, I fought with my father because he handed over a small candy that the shopkeeper had given him instead of change, to my sister, though I too was present there! I said, “How come you chose to give that to her instead of me. You love her more than you love me. I am hurt.” My father laughed at my stupid analysis and said, “I just tossed the chocolate to the first person whom I saw here. I did not analyse so much. How would such a silly act depict how much I love you?”

When I go on tours with my son and daughter-in-law, you pop up suddenly and my craving for ice-cream increases. My adult mind admonishes me and makes me feel guilty of eating an ice-cream but you take over and when they ask me whether I want an ice-cream, I cannot say ‘no’. I greedily wish that they get me an ice-cream. Not that I cannot buy an ice-cream on my own!  

I want you to come out of your hiding and help me enjoy small joys today. When I see my little grandson enjoy small things whole-heartedly because of your support, I envy him. However good a comedian is, he just cannot tickle an adult as easily as he can tickle a child. We recently went to a zoo and a gibbon was playing pranks all alone on a tree. The kids around me were laughing and enjoying its antics but for me it was an ordinary scene. As a child, I could laugh whole-heartedly at the pranks that jokers played in a circus but as an adult, I remember only the tragic life of a joker depicted by Raj Kapoor!  

I enjoyed my children’s frank and funny dialogues filled with innocence. Now my grandson entertains me with his innocent talks. But I miss you a lot. I just want you back so that I can enjoy every moment of my left-over life fully!

Yours

Sudha