Letting Go (Chapter-46)

Jilliana

The first thing Jilliana saw when she woke up was the moon shining through the slits of white blinds. She turned her head slightly to the right and winced at the stiff, dull pain in her neck and stinging pain in her cheek as it grazed the pillow. Though her eyelids were heavy from exhaustion she opened and closed them, staring first at the pale white ceiling, then dropping them to an IV attached to her right arm.

Holy shit, Jilliana thought, feeling her heart rate escalate, I’m in the hospital!

Her eyes wandered to a small table beside her with two plastic cups - one filled with water, and the other filled with bright red Jell-O cubes. “I have to get the hell out of here,” she said under her breath as she reached her left arm across her chest and ripped the IV from her skin, “Fuck!”

Jilliana wasn’t sure if it was the pain from her back, stomach, and neck, or the feeling of pulling the needle from her arm, but she continued to curse as she pushed herself from the bed and nearly knocked over the table beside her. Though her legs were too unstable to carry the weight of her aching body at first, Jilliana made her way to the door.

There was a yellow room… and fire, she remembered, turning the doorknob and heaving herself against the door to open it, and there were screams and… Jilliana’s eyes widened as flashes of memory came back to her, Serena!

The pain and weakness in her legs seemed to cease at this recollection. Jilliana pushed herself down the hall, using the walls for support, and fell against each hospital room door as she tried to make out the names written on them. With every unsuccessful door, Jilliana’s memory gained more clarity, and her urgency quickly turned to panic. She fell against the ninth door, her breaths lessening so intensely that she could hardly make out the words written on it. Then, after several blinks she read: “Tryniski, Patrick.”

Jilliana pushed the door open. Patrick’s bed, though no more than eight feet from the door frame, felt like miles. She made her way toward it, then fell against the side of the mattress before her legs completely gave way.

“My god,” was all Jilliana had enough breath to say when she saw Patrick’s face. His cheeks were covered in bandages. Patches of hair were gone, and there was an open burn wound above his right ear. Jilliana reached for his right hand, eyeing the bandages on his wrist, and lightly caressed his fingers.

“I’ll be back, Pat,” she said quietly, feeling a sudden relief from touching his skin, “I promise. I love you.”

She struggled at first to push herself from the bed but, feeling a new sense of hope, stumbled back to the door and pushed it open.

“Excuse me?!”

Jilliana turned. A tall female nurse dressed in purple scrubs had spoken from down the hall and was walking briskly toward her.

“Ma’am, be careful – don’t run!”

Jilliana pushed herself from the wall, but her will to run was stronger than her legs; after two steps she fell heavily to the floor.

“Don’t move - just please don’t move!” The nurse exclaimed as the sound of her steps came closer. Jilliana pulled her knees into her chest and tucked her head, feeling both defeated and helpless when the woman kneeled down and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you alright?”

Jilliana made a grunt in response, keeping her face covered by her arms.

“What’s your name?”

“It’s Jilliana, Jilliana--”

“Jilliana Moore?” The nurse interrupted, bending closer to her.

“Yes.” Jilliana unfolded her arms and looked up.

“Alright Jilliana, alright.” The nurse bent down and pulled Jilliana to a standing position, “Just give me all of your weight, that’s it. We aren’t too far from your room.”

Jilliana stopped moving her legs, forcing the nurse to stop.

“I-I can’t go to my room. I need to see my sister. Her name is Seren--”

“Serena Moore, yes. I’m--I’m sorry Jilliana but I-- can’t take you to her.”

“No, you don’t understand, you don’t understand!!” Jilliana shouted back, “I have to see her. I have to know that she’s not-- I need to see that she’s--” Jilliana’s legs went completely numb in that moment, pulling her back down to the floor as tears of panic flowed down her cheeks.

“Jilliana!” The nurse tried to keep her from falling but ended up going down to the floor with her.

Jilliana tried to get a word out, but her tears wouldn’t allow it. God, dear God, she muttered inaudibly to herself, Serena needs to be alive. She just has to be. Please…

“Jilliana, Jilliana listen to me. Your sister - Serena - she’s fine. She’s safe. But no guests are permitted in her room.”

When Jilliana heard this, she wasn’t sure what emotion was stronger - anger or relief.

“I’m not a fucking guest,” she said through gritted teeth, “I’m her god-damn sister, and I swear, if you don’t let me see her now I’m going to lose. My. Shit.”

The nurse was taken aback at first. She stared back at Jilliana for a moment, then glanced down both sides of the hallway.

“Okay, okay. But only for a minute. Then we go straight back to your room, alright?”

Jilliana nodded, leaned her weight against the nurse to stand, and walked with her to the last room at the opposite end of the hallway.

The nurse placed a chair beside Serena’s bed, and helped ease Jilliana into it. Serena, unlike Patrick, had no bandages covering her face or arms - except for a gauze wrapped around her left upper arm where Edmond had injected the needle. Jilliana felt an urgency to touch Serena’s hand the same way she had with Patrick’s, but something stopped her. It was as though touching her sister’s hand would acknowledge that it all really happened - being held hostage, tortured, seeing the attempted murder of her sister - it seemed too terrifying to be real.

So, Jilliana just stared at Serena’s face with her hands clasped in her lap, and spoke.

“Serena, there are so many things I’ve wanted to tell you. So many things. It hurts me--it’s hurts because I lost you sixteen years ago, and I don’t think I ever got you back. And that’s my fault. I got caught up in my own stupid life and... I thought I was strong enough. I thought I was strong enough without you but--”

Jilliana took a deep breath in, then out. She lifted her left hand, slipped it under Serena’s right, and held it lightly.

“When you were gone all those years ago, I used to stay up and talk to you. I would ask how you were doing, what you were playing, what dresses you were wearing. I always imagined you in pretty dresses for some reason… and some nights I actually prayed, can you believe that? Me, praying,” she smiled to herself for a moment, then felt the smile fade as she continued, “then I just-- stopped. I lost any hope of seeing you again. I spent most of my time wrapping my head around the thought of you never coming home, and trying to settle with it. And it killed me. I felt invisible. I didn’t know who I was without you, Serena. And when you finally came home I-- I was too lost to make an effort to get you back.”

Jilliana dropped her chin to her chest and watched her tears fall heavily onto her hospital gown. She kept her hand around her sister’s, and waited for her tears to subside before speaking once more.

“Serena,” Jilliana looked up at Serena’s quiet, peaceful face, “I love you. I love you so much. And I promise I’ll never lose you. I promise I’ll never let you go again.”

With these words, Jilliana gave Serena’s hand a light squeeze. And moments later, Jilliana felt Serena’s hand lightly clasp hers and squeeze back.