Notes From The Underground 57

‘We shall fight at daybreak, that’s a settled thing. I’ve done with the office. Ferfitchkin made a joke about it just now. But where can I get pistols? Nonsense! I’ll get my sal-ary in advance and buy them. And powder, and bullets? That’s the second’s business. And how can it all be done by daybreak? and where am I to get a second? I have no friends. Nonsense!’ I cried, lashing myself up more and more. ‘It’s of no consequence! The first person I meet in the street is bound to be my second, just as he would be bound to pull a drowning man out of water. The most eccentric things may happen. Even if I were to ask the director himself to be my second tomorrow, he would be bound to consent, if only from a feeling of chivalry, and to keep the secret! Anton Antonitch ....’

The fact is, that at that very minute the disgusting ab-surdity of my plan and the other side of the question was clearer and more vivid to my imagination than it could be to anyone on earth. But ....

‘Get on, driver, get on, you rascal, get on!’ ‘Ugh, sir!’ said the son of toil.

Cold shivers suddenly ran down me. Wouldn’t it be bet-ter ... to go straight home? My God, my God! Why did I invite myself to this dinner yesterday? But no, it’s impos-sible. And my walking up and down for three hours from the table to the stove? No, they, they and no one else must pay for my walking up and down! They must wipe out this dishonour! Drive on!

And what if they give me into custody? They won’t dare! They’ll be afraid of the scandal. And what if Zverkov is so contemptuous that he refuses to fight a duel? He is sure to; but in that case I’ll show them ... I will turn up at the post ing station when he’s setting off tomorrow, I’ll catch him by the leg, I’ll pull off his coat when he gets into the car-riage. I’ll get my teeth into his hand, I’ll bite him. ‘See what lengths you can drive a desperate man to!’ He may hit me on the head and they may belabour me from behind. I will shout to the assembled multitude: ‘Look at this young pup-py who is driving off to captivate the Circassian girls after letting me spit in his face!’

Of course, after that everything will be over! The office will have vanished off the face of the earth. I shall be ar-rested, I shall be tried, I shall be dismissed from the service, thrown in prison, sent to Siberia. Never mind! In fifteen years when they let me out of prison I will trudge off to him, a beggar, in rags. I shall find him in some provincial town. He will be married and happy. He will have a grown-up daughter .... I shall say to him: ‘Look, monster, at my hollow

cheeks and my rags! I’ve lost everything—my career, my happiness, art, science, THE WOMAN I LOVED, and all through you. Here are pistols. I have come to discharge my pistol and ... and I ... forgive you. Then I shall fire into the air and he will hear nothing more of me ....’

to be contd..