A Short Trip In A Train

Today I travelled on a train. 

Listened to a love song. 

I also watched a funny series and 

Laughed out loud on a couple of scenes. 

Don’t know why I thought about how nothing is enough. 

Having loving people in your life, 

Keeping yourself busy with an exciting life, not enough. 

Keeping the living room well lit, 

Partying with friends three times a week, not enough. 

Fleeting moments when it seems that everything is fine 

And nothing can bring me down 

And then there are large patches of darkness. 

Who owns this switch? 

Whoever owns it, 

Why can’t you keep it on for longer periods of time? 

What you do not understand is that,

You don’t torment me when you have your way with me

You tear apart the people I love and the people who love me

You take them away from me

They can tolerant my incessant talks

They can also tolerate my lame jokes

They want me to scream and laugh 

When I shout at them they do not hold it against me

What they cannot live with, is this deafening silence

This seesaw of the person I really am

And this shadow which hovers on my head

Which you call my defence mechanism

I force to pour words out 

And you hold my tongue back

Rolled back into the back on my brains

And tickle the part which brings out the rain

What did I ever do wrong to you?

I could have lived with a simpler mind

Lesser understanding of the world and myself

Be in the moment with people around me

So that they could depend on me with their lives

I wish of home to feel like a home 

Where I can simply retire and don’t feel any guilt

Of hurting anyone and of ruining parts of their lives

The memories that I leave them with

Would they ever remember me and smile?

What hurts me most is that I choose to blame you

Is that another defence mechanism?

I hate you from deepest of my heart knowing fully well,

That you are I.

Time to get down. Station arrived.

No, I cannot take the train back.

I am here and I have to do this.