What if I Ran the Zoo?

"It's a pretty good zoo,"

Said young Gerald McGrew,

"And the fellow who runs it

Seems proud of it, too."

"But if I ran the zoo,"

Said young Gerald McGrew,

"I'd make a few changes.

That's just what I'd do ..."

The lions and tigers and that kind of stuff

They have up here now are not quite good enough.

You see things like these in just any old zoo.

They're awfully old-fashioned. I want something new!

So I'd open each cage. I'd unlock every pen,

Let the animals go, and start over again.

And, somehow or other, I think I could find

Some beasts of a much more un-usual kind.

A four-footed lion's not much of a beast.

The one in my zoo will have ten feet, at least!

Five legs on the left and five more on the right.

Then people will stare and they'll say, "What a sight!

This Zoo Keeper, New Keeper Gerald's quite keen.

That's the gol-darndest lion I ever have seen!"

My New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, will make people talk.

My New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, will make people gawk

At the strangest odd creatures that ever did walk.

I'll get, for my zoo, a new sort-of-a-hen

Who roosts in another hen's topknot, and then

Another one roosts in the topknot of his,

And another in bis, and another in HIS,

And so forth and upward and onward, gee whizz!

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But that's just a start. I'll do better than that.

They'll see me next day, in my zoo-keeper's hat,

Coming into my zoo with an Elephant-Cat!

They'll be so surprised they'll all swallow their gum.

They'll ask, when they see my strange animals come,

"Where do you suppose he gets things like that from?

His animals all have such very odd faces.

I'll bet he must hunt them in rather odd places!"

And that's what I'll do,

Said young Gerald McGrew.

If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day,

You have to go places quite out-of-the-way.

You have to go places no others can get to.

You have to get cold and you have to get wet, too.

Up past the North Pole, where the frozen winds squeal,

I'll go and I'll hunt in my Skeegle-mobile

And bring back a family of What-do-you-know!

And that's how my New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, will grow.

I'll hunt in the mountains of Zomba-ma-Tant

With helpers who all wear their eyes at a slant,

And capture a fine fluffy bird called the Bustard

Who only eats custard with sauce made of mustard.

And, also, a very fine beast called the Flustard

Who only eats mustard with sauce made of custard.

I'll catch 'em in caves and I'll catch 'em in brooks,

I'll catch 'em in crannies, I'll catch 'em in nooks

That you don't read about in geography books.

I'll catch 'em in countries that no one can spell

Like the country of Motta-fa-Potta-fa-Pell.

In a country like that, if a hunter is clever,

He'll hunt up some beasts that you never saw ever!

I'll load up five boats with a family of Joats

Whose feet are like cows', but wear squirrel-skin coats

And sit down like dogs, but have voices like goats -

Excepting they can't sing the very high notes.

And then I'll go down to the Wilds of Nantucket

And capture a family of Lunks in a bucket.

Then people will say, "Now I like that boy heaps.

His New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, is growing by leaps.

He captures them wild and he captures them meek,

He captures them slim and he captures them sleek.

What do you suppose he will capture next week?"

I'll capture one tiny. I'll capture one cute.

I'll capture a deer that no hunter would shoot.

A deer that's so nice he could sleep in your bed

If it weren't for those horns that he has on his head.

And speaking of horns that are just a bit queer,

I'll bring back a very odd family of deer:

A father, a mother, two sisters, a brother

Whose horns are connected, from one to the other,

Whose horns are so mixed they can't tell them apart,

Can't tell where they end and can't tell where they start!

Each deer's mighty puzzled. He's never yet found

If his horns are bers, or the other way 'round.

I'll capture them fat and I'll capture them scrawny.

I'll capture a scraggle-foot Mulligatawny,

A high-stepping animal fast as the wind

From the blistering sands of the Desert of Zind.

This beast is the beast that the brave chieftains ride

When they want to go fast to find some place to hide.

A Mulligatawny is fine for my zoo

And so is a chieftain. I'll bring one back, too.

In the Far Western part

Of south-east North Dakota

Lives a very fine animal

Called the lota.

But I'll capture one

Who is even much finer

In the north-eastern west part

Of South Carolina.

When people see him, they will say, "Now, by thunder!

This New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, is really a wonder!"

Most beasts are quite friendly, but still, in some lands

Some beasts are too dangerous to catch with bare hands.

For those that are ugly and vicious and mean

I'll build a Bad-Animal-Catching Machine.

It's rather expensive to build such a kit,

But with it a hunter can never get bit.

And then I'll go out and I'll capture some Chuggs,

Some keen-shooter, mean-shooter, bean-shooter bugs.

A zoo should have bugs, so I'll capture a Thwerll

Whose legs are snarled up in a terrible snerl.

I'll go to the African island of Yerka

And bring back a tizzle-topped Tufted Mazurka,

A kind of canary with quite a tall throat.

His neck is so long, if he swallows an oat

For breakfast the first day of April, they say

It has to go down such a very long way

That it gets to his stomach the fifteenth of May.

I'll bag a big bug

Who is very surprising,

A feller who has

A propeller for rising

And zooming around

Making cross-country hops,

From Texas to Boston

With only two stops.

Now that sort of thing

For a bug is just tops!

And when I've caught him,

Then the next thing you know

I'll go and I'll capture

A wild Tick-Tack-Toc,

With X's that win

And with Zeros that lose.

He'll look mighty good

In this Zoo of McGrew's.

I'll bring back a Gusset, a Gherkin, a Gasket

And also a Gootch from the wilds of Nantasket.

And eight Persian Princes will carry the basket,

But what their names arc, I don't know. So don't ask it.

In a cave in Kartoom lives a beast called the Natch

That no other hunter's been able to catch.

He's hidden for years in his cave with a pout

And no one's been able to make him come out.

But I'll coax him out with a wonderful meal

That's cooked by my cooks in my Cooker-mobile.

They'll fix up a dish that is just to his taste;

Three chicken croquettes made of library paste,

Then sprinkled with peanut shucks, pickled and spiced,

Then baked at 600 degrees and then iced.

It's mighty hard cooking to cook up such feasts

But that's how the New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, gets beasts.

I'll go to the far-away Mountains of Tobsk

Near the River of Nobsk, and I'll bring back an Obsk,

A sort of a kind of a Thing-a-ma-Bobsk

Who only eats rhubarb and corn-on-the-cobsk.

Then people will flock to my zoo in a mobsk.

"McGrew," they will say, "does a wonderful jobsk!

He hunts with such vim and he hunts with such vigor,

His New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, gets bigger and bigger!"

And, speaking of birds, there's the Russian Palooski,

Whose headski is redski and belly is blueski.

I'll get one of them for my Zooski McGrewski.

Then the whole town will gasp, “Why, this boy never sleeps!

No keeper before ever kept what he keeps!

There's no telling WHAT that young fellow will do!"

And then, just to show them, I'll sail to Ka-Troo

                       And

                          Bring

                            Back

I'll hunt in the Jungles of Hippo-no-Hungus

And bring back a flock of wild Bippo-no-Bungus!

The Bippo-no-Bungus from Hippo-no-Hungus

Are better than those down in Dippo-no-Dungus

And smarter than those out in Nippo-no-Nungus.

And that's why I'll catch 'em in Hippo-no-Hungus

Instead of those others in Nungus and Dungus.

And people will say when they see these Bips bounding,

"This Zoo Keeper, New Keeper's simply astounding!

He travels so far that you'd think he would drop!

When do you suppose this young fellow will stop?"

Stop...?

Well, I should.

But I won't stop until

I've captured the Fizza-ma-Wizza-ma-Dill,

The world's biggest bird from the Island of Gwark

Who only eats pine trees and spits out the bark.

And boy! When I get him back home to my park,

The whole world will say, "Young McGrew's made his mark.

He's built a zoo better than Noah's whole Ark!

These wonderful, marvelous beasts that he chooses

Have made him the greatest of all the McGrewses!"

"WOW!" They'll all cheer,

"What this zoo must be worth!

It's the gol-darndest 200

On the face of the earth!"

"Yes...

That's what I'd do,"

Said young Gerald McGrew.

"I'd make a few changes

If I ran the zoo."