cupid's bow

I fell in love when I was 16, and just like every other teenage love story, mine is full of love and the innocence of two teenagers being in love. 

Aditya, was the boy of my dreams, or maybe my childish heart saw nothing except good in him, so it rendered him fit for me. I saw him for the first time in May of 2016. The boy in school uniform, with his sleeves folded, and hair perfectly slicked back, I almost fell for him instantly. I still remember the amount of courage it took me to ask for his phone number, and then text him a day later. It could have been the love that blindfolded my eyes and kept all his worse habits at bay. It's been years since that incident, but the day he looked right into my eyes is still fresh in my mind. 

April, 2016:

"Ivika", shouts Anisha."We will run late for school. This time they might expel us for running late to the premises every day". 

"coming, Anisha ", I tell her. 

As we enter the premises, we are welcomed by a group of chattering and buzzing around seniors who seem to care less about their classes and more about what song will be played at the farewell. We push the crowd and enter our class. 

"Do you know, I have heard that Aditya Sharma will be joining our School ?", I hear a chatter among my classmates. I could not care less, with a bubbled-up chewing gum in my mouth and a half-done yawn, I stare out of the window. Not that I knew who he was, not that I wanted to know. 

I have been this way all my life. Very disinterested in things, the only things that have mattered to me are my books and my dog, Abby. I got Abby when I was 4 years old, she has been my best friend ever since. I am pretty much decent in my studies and manage to pass my exams without my parents ever worrying if I will fail. Not that I do not enjoy worldly affairs but nothing of my interest has ever crossed my path, until that one boy.

May 2016:

I enter the school with half my heart. 

"I, so much, wanted to go with my parents but they left me because I had to attend these stupid classes. Ughh, how boring and monotonous it is to come to this boring place every day "I tell Anisha. 

"Ivika, it is alright, also, did you forget we are going to have a cultural eve this month where we will have our seniors " and she winks me with an eye.

I smile and pass down a crooked smile to her. Both of us knew what this cultural eve was for us, a chance to look at all the hot seniors our school had but, for some reason, the school authorities had tried to keep them in the locks. The cultural Eve was within a few days and I could not hold my excitement.

Not that I understand why I was so excited for that day, even though I had no interest in looking or drooling over boys. But I feel the universe has a way of telling you about your future in the most unnatural way. You keep looking around and daily as a sign the universe will drop a rose petal, someday the scent of a fresh rose or even the thorns might be thrown around as a vague sign. Soon, you will discover that a garden full of roses was waiting for you, and the entire time you were too busy to notice the signs. This is the thing about life, the more you let go unnoticed, the more difficult it gets for you to decode the pattern.

I still remember the day, the day I looked at him for the first time, as if I had known him all my life and I had nothing to hide from him. 

It was the day of cultural eve, and everything felt complete until I saw him. 

"Ivika, do you know, the boy band of our school is performing, Aditya Sharma is there, come let's go", Anisha held my hand and we started speeding. Not that I had a lot of interest in music, but my mind went back to that class in April when I overheard my classmates chattering about this boy called Aditya Sharma. My mind was full of questions, how gorgeous does he have to be this popular? 

I ran and stood in front of the main stage, I could hear drums and guitar but the boy my eyes were looking for was nowhere in sight. All of a sudden I heard a soft voice and saw a boy walking onto the stage, and time stopped.

There he was the boy, the girls were talking about, Aditya Sharma. I don't remember what song he was singing, plausibly because I did not want to focus on any other thing that was not him or his face. His veiny hands in his black oversized t-shirt and the hair strands that refused to leave his face that day were all conspiring against me and making me realize how beautiful of a human he was. Every time he giggled on stage, I felt my heart flutter because I could not recall anything more pleasant to my eyes than his smile. His beautiful eyes were nothing but stars from a faraway galaxy that were torn to place into his eyes. Everything about him felt ethereal, his smile, his voice, and his presence itself. 

I do not recall much of that eve, but only that my eyes kept looking for him. There was something so captivating about that boy, whom all the girls had a crush on. He was hot, he was cute, and almost the type of boy the book girlies talk about.

"Ivika, What do you keep thinking all the time? Come let's dance."

But how could I dance with her when my heart was already dancing to the music of his love?

The entire night I kept searching for his Facebook profile all over the internet, and then drooling over his pictures. "Is this what love feels like? Butterflies all over the stomach, looking at him and realizing nobody else matters in this world, and then trying to catch every glimpse that you can of them."All these questions filled my mind that day. As if all my life I have known him and waited for him.

Now, when I look back I can see the purity of the innocent flutter of heart that filled my veins for his love that day. It did not take me days to fall for him, because, after all, you do not look for attributes to fall for. Do you? You just fall for your person, and whatever traits they have, all appear beautiful to you, no matter how daunting of a task it might be for you to figure out what bad traits you do not like in them. It becomes almost impossible to look at anything and anyone that's not them, and trying to look at the moon and not think of them is one of the most difficult tasks anyone can give to somebody who is in love. It is almost crazy how virtuous first love can be. 

I saw him a few days later at the school sports ground, in his half-folded and untucked shirt and his hair falling to his face, every time he threw that ball into the basket, he made a somewhat greater impact on me. He managed to make a somewhat greater population of school females fall for him. His black hair when he was freshly wet with his sweat and the sun flickering its light upon him, made him look like the most beautiful boy to ever exist, which he already was to my eyes.

I gathered all the leftover courage in me and told Anisha about my crush on him, and her response broke my heart. 

"Anisha I think I like Aditya ...."

"Half of the school does. "

And while this statement was true, it absolutely shattered any hopes I had to be with him. Even though I knew this fact, I did not dare to bring myself to accept the reality of the situation. He was the popular boy, and I was the girl nobody knew about. All of a sudden everything about me started bothering me. My unplucked eyebrows made me look crusty and ugly, and my chubby cheeks were a disgrace in a matter of no time. I had the ugliest smile and my weight was a concern. In a trice, I despised my traits and why I was the way I was. Why wasn't I like the pretty girls who had perfect eyes, perfect teeth, and perfect smiles? Their hair was always done and never a moment where they looked like a ragged queen. 

It is so funny that when somebody you love also loves you back you get confident in yourself, your features start appearing beautiful to your eyes and there is nothing such as insecurity. Whereas, when you love someone and they don't love you back, you despise yourself the way somebody you hate would. It is a major task trying to love yourself while also trying to love that person, the person you chose did not choose you and it shatters you.

I tried to see him every day while also trying to hide myself. I was downtrodden, crushed as if somebody had put their weighted heels on my temple. I saw him with his friends every day and it bothered me to see girls trying to come close to him. He is mine, and why do these girls come close to him? He had a favorite place in the backyard of the school where he used to sit and chatter with his friends. Sometimes, he'd play guitar, and even though I had no interest in music whatsoever I heard him play and sing. I despised the girl who used to sing along with him and when I went back home, I tried imitating her, and tried to sing that song and to my utter dismay, I could never even imagine singing with him, with that crusty and coarse voice of mine.

I had given up entirely on him and had told myself, that he was somebody I was only capable of loving from afar. He would never be mine, and I would never be his. Until that one day, I decided to randomly take Abby for a stroll. 

I was at a park different than what I usually went to and was usually playing frisbee with my amazing dog, Abby. All of a sudden she went to a white pup and started galloping the entire park with her, I ran behind her and so did the white pup's owner. As soon as I saw him, I felt my face go all hot and red. My face started turning all shades of red, and my breath started to fasten. I saw Aditya in his relaxed fit, chasing his dog while I chased mine. I hated myself a little more at that moment. why did you not get ready properly? Why did you not tie your hair correctly? Why did you not wear that blue hoodie? Why did you not brush your teeth before coming here? I thought all of it to myself. Dismissing these thoughts I ran a little faster to not miss out on being with him, even if it was just running in the entire park for our dogs. Luckily(or maybe unluckily), we caught hold of both our dogs and they did not seem to care much about running around but just being in each other's proximity. Abby has been my lucky charm for a long time, but that day she proved to be the luckiest.

"They seem to care less about their owners and more about being together .", laughed Aditya. I tried laughing along but I was already dying out of coy and it made me dumb. As if my tongue was tied and I could not utter anything except yes and hahaha. 

"you speak too little, why is that? what is your name? And what school do you go to ?" his confidence almost made me dumbstruck.

"oh, hello Aditya, I am Ivika .", I do not speak less, I just happen to stutter around you, dumbo. I thought to myself.

"Hello, Ivika, strange enough but how do you know my name " I am damned today, I thought to myself.

"umm, uhh, you are ....yes ...you are my senior at school and I saw you perform at the cultural eve, hence I know your name "

"Ohh, so you are my junior at school, hello junior ." he laughed once again and I fell for him yet over again.

Since our dogs liked each other so much, he told me he visits this park every day in case Abby would like to meet his pup.

I am not sure about Abby but I would like to meet you every day, I thought to myself. 

I went back home that day with my face beaming with the smile that he gave me. I was so frivolously happy that day, that it could be seen from my face.

Eventually, we started spending more time together. We had inside jokes, and the park became our haven. At the school, he was Aditya Sharma, the most popular boy but at the park, he was just Aditya, the boy who made my silly little heart laugh and gave me heartaches by just dropping around 5 mins late into the walk. He changed me, for the good. He transformed me from a distracted and dispassionate girl to a girl who knew what she wanted to do, but with him by her side.

3 months down the line and something unusual happened one day. When I walked into the park, I saw him already sitting with one of the girls from school. My insecurities started ringing in my ears and all the what-ifs chattered their way out of my head. I grew more and more hesitant as to whether I should walk in or not. As I was walking away, Aditya called my name. 

"ivika , meet my friend , radhika ."

"oh, hello Radhika", and faked a smile.

"I have some work today, so I would like to leave, I will see you guys later." and I ran, I ran as if the last flight to my lover's city was leaving in a minute. A quick confession, I also cried while running. I did not know where I stood with him, I was no more than a park friend, and he would never love me, was all I could think.

I looked at his Facebook profile, I looked at all his pictures and cried, and by mistake, I liked one of them. I immediately unliked it. 

I did not go to the park for the next couple of days. I could not bring myself to see him with somebody else, to look at him while somebody else was trying to snatch him away from me. It was the least I could do to keep my heart sane. I had already accustomed myself to the absence of his voice and lack of his smell. I had put myself in a place where I was happy by only looking at him from a faraway location.

One day, somebody rang the bells at my house. 

I went out and I was shocked. 

"ADITYA?"

My heart was beating like a speeding train and my cheeks were flushing in colours. Why has he come here? I thought to myself.

"Hello, Ivika. I was missing Abby, so I came to see her, can I come in ?"

"of course, you can dumbo, I have missed you so much and what do you mean you are here for Abby and not me ?" I thought to myself but only said "Yeah sure, come in ."

he came and sat in, and it was as if my breath was finally getting the amount of oxygen it deserved. He played with Abby while I admired that beautiful face of his.

"Ivika, why did you not come for all these days, I wanted to tell you so many things," he said and caught me off guard. 

"I was a little unwell so ...."

suddenly, he let go of Abby looked me straight in the eye, and said "I missed you "

I did not know how to react, the boy I loved so bad was telling me that he had missed me, that he wanted to see me as much as I did. Cloud nine was also a little less of an expression to explain my happiness that day. I could not say much, but I could feel what had been said was not blank lies.

"Oh......oh, yes, you must.....must have missed my poor jokes and playing with Abby. I am very funny and I know that "

He looked at me again, expressions softening a little, as if he was about to break down in a smile at my words but would burst out into tears anytime. With every passing word, I could feel my heartbeat rise and my ability to speak was rendered useless. I could utter no more words than, hmm, and yes.

"Ivika, I don't know what you make of it, but I MISSED YOU !!!!! I missed you the day you went when I was with Radhika and you went away. I missed you the days I came back home with a heavy heart and wanted to share my daily bores with you. I wanted to see you so bad, why don't toy understand this for god's sake?"

what did he just say? He missed me? He wanted to see me? WHATTTTTTT?

"you did not have any work that day, you went and you were on your goddamn phone. you even liked one of my pictures, thanks to my public profile!"

I felt anger rise in me. When I could not contain all those emotions, I burst into tears.

"You say you miss me? you are lying. Do you even have an idea of how much I wanted to be with you that day? You were sitting with a random girl and it broke me. I cannot bear the sight of seeing you with someone else. "

"WHY?"

"Because I LOVE YOU, goddamnit!" and I broke into the most frantic sobs I could ever have.

And the room turned into a silent classroom, where I could hear any pin being dropped and any heart beating.

"I love you too" he smiled and rubbed my back.

I looked at him with eyes full of tears, "do you think it has always been just you who has stalked my profile? It has always been you who has seen me in the school backyard. Do you think it has been just you who came with their dog to catch a glimpse of their lover?

I have equally loved you since the day I laid my eyes on you, on the day of cultural eve. There you were, in the middle of the crowd in a pretty pink dress and you looked like the most beautiful girl I had ever laid my eyes upon. I struggled to find your name for days, so the only way I could see you was in the schoolyard, where you used to come with that friend of yours. I kept looking at you that way until you decided not to come to that place even. I used to search in the school for you but to my utter dismay, you did not cross paths with me. The day, you walked Abby to that park, I saw you playing frisbee with her through my window. I cannot thank god enough for that day. I brought Bella(his dog), and immediately she started playing with Abby. I got a chance to speak to you. My evenings were beautiful with you in them, nothing mattered anymore and all my worries and stress were thwarted when I saw you in the evening. I called my childhood best friend, Radhika to meet you, but you went away, I thought it was okay, maybe I would see her tomorrow but you decided you did not want to see me anymore and just walked away. I have loved you every second, since laying my eyes upon you." his eyes were flowing. 

it did not matter to me anymore if my hair was unruly or my smile wasn't as pretty. my love had chosen me and it made me the most confident I had ever been.

"Are you telling me the cupid's bow hit you equally as it hit me ?", I asked him with my watery eyes.

"yes, my love ." he smiled.

That was how my love story began.

                                                            ~ the end ~