Day 4

Dear Diary,

Everything is fine at home... yet not fine. I don't know if mom spoke about Pratik to dad, he seems normal to me though. I wanted to know her perspective about the relation, so gathering all my courage I asked "What do you feel? What do you think?"

"I don't like it..." she repeated with a disappointed pout, I used silence to probe her. "You know it would be so difficult and filthy to live with a guy who consumes non-veg."

"He is ready to leave it..." I jumped for his rescue

"And why would he sacrifice?" she asked with anger and sarcasm

"For me..." I replied timidly playing with my fingers.

There was silence, her facial expressions revealed astonishment and I was more astonished to see it. Silence was for a long time, she finished her cooking, cleaned all the utensils I stood there like a spectator drinking the minute change in her facial expression. after she finished all the chore switching off the lights she walked into the bedroom and like a tame puppy I followed her carrying my fragile dreams in my teary eyes.

"You've changed a lot..." she said sitting down, "If you want to get married to him, yourself go talk to your father I'm OK with whatever he says. But I won't allow people who eat non-veg in my house..." she concluded.

I felt bad to a great extent... this sounds an understatement to how I feel. It felt like someone squeezed all the blood out my heart. I was still processing her statement when she spoke further, "You didn't even think once to inform me before this got so serious?" it was like fire to my guilt.but the next second I felt anger creeping in me. I know if I would have informed her before about my feelings towards Pratik she would have definitely given me this cultural speech to make me feel guilty at that time and this relationship would have never happened.

You know what diary I'm glad I didn't tell her, I am glad this relation happened. The past 8 months have been really beautiful part of my life... if nothing happens I will at least have a satchel full of precious moments. Even now when I close my eyes I can see him smile, I can hear his giggle, his soft fingers intertwined in mine. Life seems perfect with him... since the time I have come back home every memory every moment with him keeps playing at the background.

I had read somewhere that your relationship needs to sustain for 2 years successfully for you to take a decision of marriage, we are just 8 months into it. At times it seems scary am I making a decision in haste? Frankly speaking, I didn't want to inform my parents now I wasn't prepared for the marriage scene yet... but their pressure of searching a match for me made me vomit all of this.

The future seems very scary, whether it's marriage with Pratik or with someone else... I have to leave everything and get used to someone else's house's rituals and culture. Why? Why did I get so attached to my parents then? 23 years of life I am taught to things in a certain way and now suddenly one new relation changes everything... that too in a jiffy!

Everything is very scary diary... one thing that will keep me sane is some work which is also stagnated because of lockdown. I'm trying for some online job, let's hope that works out.

Yours,

Buddy