Deliverance

I sit here in the darkness, reading the old letters, and writing out the new, staring at your picture; the tears slide down my face as if it were only a few hours instead of months that you left me. I pull out the memories one by one, brushing them free from dust, smoothing out the wrinkles. I caress them with my heart, wanting and yet hoping not to remember. I stare at the phone, willing its ring to my ears, yearning to hear your voice whisper softly to me as it once did. I can recall as if it were only moments ago, the words of promise, the enticing and provocative dreams we wove upon that line, and my soul tears into tiny shreds. Confetti caught up in the whirlwind, lifting into a tornado of shattered hopes, breaking free from the cyclone to scatter in forgotten disarray upon the floor of my heart.

I sit alone in my room, the pale light from the TV screen highlighting only a small space, giving just enough illumination for me to not be drowning in the darkness. It’s not time for that yet. Thoughts and emotions bubble and boil within my head and heart, both vying for separate attentions, yet strangely joined and entwined, until I feel that I am the pawn in their morbid game of control.

Then, in the stillness of the night, realization dawns. The silence, the emptiness and the constant, frantic beating of hope’s wings in my chest that threatens to steal my sanity.

Those little threads that you held out for me to grasp weren’t lifelines; - only spider webs. I knew then, it was my time to say goodbye. I cannot hold on to something that never was; as sand that is fisted so tightly, you only slid through my fingers more quickly.

Now, I am the one who is left behind, while you begin a new, as if existence were never an option for me. Thoughts of a lover, of a love so powerful that it fragments my mind at times. A movie reel playing of past and present, seeming to skip the me; too much has happened, and is happening, for the future scenes of this feature to be shown. Visions of your face, of your body; I can hear your voice, that sweet, soft, deep voice, so captivating, now make me sick. Memories bring such a sweet feeling of pride... for a moment. The smile fades as the reel begins playing the scenes that bring such chaos to my troubled mind, betrayal, lies and cruel words that rip and tear apart a fragile spirit. Disbelief, a profound feeling of being stunned into complete silence, because words just simply cease. Visions of reality withering away haunt me.

A flower blooming in the brightness of new love, regenerating as the sunlight warms into an equally brilliant, yet steadier, glow, only to be frozen by a winter blast, taken off guard. Emotions come into play, tired of waiting their turn for attention, way too tired.

Raw anguish floods through me, lips opening on a silent cry, tears of sorrow flow without relent. Confusion, sorrow, grief so profound that I am sure a person could die from the sharpness of pain that lanced through the heart. Questions vie with answers; right against wrong. Reality squaring off with fantasy.

Why? What did I do wrong? Was I so bad as to deserve this? Did I not love enough, was I not perfect enough? Did I not please you? How did this happen? You were bad.

Cruel, evil, self-centered. Nothing you did was good enough, because you didn’t do enough. Not possessive enough, not caring enough, not sensitive enough. You did all you could. You probably thought you did too much. You thought you treated me the way I needed to be, you played your part in these scenes; cruel words crossed your lips many times. You could have been less self-centered on occasions, but who isn’t self-centered at times? You could have shown more care when I needed it. On and on, over and over, the macabre reel seems to skip. Back and forth, past and present, questions, self-accusations and answers. Violent grief, anger, wistful joy, amazement, awe. I rock back and forth, arms wrapped about knees drawn closely to my chest, face hidden upon those limbs. The air fills with the sounds of weeping, a low, moaning sound, haunting. Sorrow. Deep and true. I don’t know what I feel anymore; don’t know what I feel for you anymore.

The thread I hang from, will tighten as the dark is chased away by the encroaching light... waiting to dangle me again. Back and forth swinging, swaying, and waiting to drop me within the chasm again upon nightfall. A morbid game of chance played with my life, my sanity, my heart; yet, despite all, I continue to hang on. Most would ask why. My answer is simple, I loved.

So, I pack up my fragile memories, passing my hands over each one last time. My tears spill to join these remembrances in their little chest. Your picture I lay carefully to the top, letting my eyes memorize your face, before closing the lid, and sealing the lock.

Numbness takes over me like a plague, I can feel the cold take over my lungs, like glass they shatter underneath the cold. I will live, I will mend, sooner or later, and I don’t need the tide that will bring you back to me, I am better off alone. In my darkness, I shall learn to value light.