Despair to Success

Few days ago, a friend messaged me asking, 'Samar how are things going after a loss of your sister in-law in May this year. She was not only your sister in law but more of an elder sister and most importantly a friend. I know how your brother must be, as his anniversary is around the corner. You have helped everyone around you in coping, and I am sorry I was not with you in all these times. For a long time, I wanted to speak with you about things happening but time was not in my favour. Or maybe I did not had the audacity to talk to you. I wanted to apologise to you for this. I have been seeing your posts and pictures and have been following you on what you are writing. I sense that you are not in a very good state. I understand but the thing is I can only understand and of-course won't be able to know what's going on with you. Talk to me whenever you can. You seem ok, but I know you very well, you will never show your vulnerable side and will never be sad around people. You are made that way. This I am saying because I have known you for more than 16 years now. So, Samar talk to me, let me make amends the way you expected it atleast from me. I also clapped for you on the nomination for Author of the week contest this last week and I seriously wanted you to win. I suppose you came third or something. So whenever you have time and want to talk to anyone, don't consider me anyone, just talk me. I will be waiting for your call or a message. Trust me, I am there for you in every way possible'.

This was a long message from a friend who sent to me couple of days back. Also, I have not returned his message but I am sure I will write something to him and not just send a simple message.

After a prolonged thought on the word he used 'Vulnerable', exactly what is vulnerability. Am I vulnerable? Is there something I am not able to understand? So I just jotted down what might be vulnerability means. Here's the thought on the same.

Vulnerability, what a word. Its not exactly what we say something which hits us when we least expect it. I think It's the way we react, when we think we are hit by sadness, depression, some kind of heartbreak or when anxiety is way too high. We want to cry our hearts out, we want to cry so much, that no tears is left inside you. I think when someone says I am there for you, that feeling just seeps inside us and we go in vulnerable state.

When we are at our low, that constant feeling of fighting within self. Constant urge to talk to someone, irritable feeling, constant sinking in own thoughts. Constantly putting ourselves in a situation where we will never be. That point, that particular point we become vulnerable.

That state is when we want someone to come up and say "i am there for you", "i understand", we start trusting that person, we want to talk to that person, we want them around us, to be with you all the time. Is that what vulnerable people want? Such a big question and yet there's no definite answer to that question.

I believe vulnerable person does not know, what is right or what is wrong. We just think, whosoever is a sweet talker, they are with us.

Why is there a constant feeling that we might be wrong and knowing we are not wrong. I guess that's the point when we are most vulnerable.

So, after going through all this feelings and thoughts and all the emotions going up and down, I thought maybe I am at a vulnerable state.

I am trying to trust my friend on this, but she was not there when I wanted her the most. I sent her messages, I tried calling her and suddenly after 7 months she is coming back. I used to see her posts and pictures, her office trips, her solo trips, whatever she was doing in her life. I saw her succeeding in last 7 months, changing jobs, going on hiking trips and she never had the time to even send a condolence message. Where was this friendship 7 months ago? Now she wants a friend because she had a breakup, and she calls me vulnerable.

I was alone, trying others don't go into depression. Yes, I am sad but I am not going to speak with her just because I am vulnerable.

I have achieved something in all these months. I have had success in rebuilding myself. Now I feel, my success is limitless, I am capable to do things what I believe in. I believe in my success and myself. I will prosper in what I do and however I do.

Because I am destined for success.