Far From Special, Never Fit In

None of us really know what is in store for us during our journey through life or what it holds for us. But all of those things that we go through and encounter during our life are clearly what make us who we are today. I'd like to share a little bit of my journey in life on the roller coaster of life. As I call it, sometimes the downloads go viral. If you choose to read it, I'd love to share it with you. It might make you smile and laugh. I have definitely had my ups and downs, my windshield lashes, my smiles in tears. I'm definitely nobody special. I'm just your everyday person. I'm an only child whose parents both passed away and have been for quite some time. And I actually have zero family members, am single, and have no children, never been married. I was born in 1960 three, so I'm almost 61 now. And back in the early 70s, thinking about homosexuality or coming out was like a taboo. It was still a mental illness in the diagnostic book of mental illnesses.

When I was younger, I always wanted to have that house with two kids and the little white picket fence. But that was when I began to discover my sexuality. I noticed that I was attracted to girls. I wanted to play house with the girls so that I could be the dad and kiss the girls. But when I really thought about it, I felt like I never tried, not with the boys, not with the girls, not with either one of them really. I wanted to express to my parents how I was feeling, but then I second-guessed myself and thought that maybe I shouldn't because I've never heard them mention homosexuality really, nor do I think they really have friends that are homosexual or gay. I began to think that I was the only one that was feeling this way, that felt like they didn't fit in with boys or girls and always wished that I was born a boy. I definitely wasn't a tomboy growing up. My parents both were very loving. My mom was the more caring. My dad was a little on the hard side. He definitely drank his share of beer on a daily basis and was a little verbally abusive, and sometimes physically abusive, not to the point of really, really harming me, but I'd get my butt beat on a daily basis. My parents were definitely on the overprotective side. They didn't let me experience much of anything that the other kids were experiencing due to the fact they were always afraid something was going to happen to me. So they wanted to make sure that I was going to be safe, and they kept me right under their thumb, which isn't always the best idea. My parents both worked so that we could afford the house we moved to in Sacramento. Consequently, I had to go to a babysitter during elementary school, and that began in first grade going to the babysitter's house. That's when I discovered fast-pitch softball and girls. Life definitely has been a journey for me. I have encountered quite a few obstacles, definitely faced life on life's terms, and learned how to grow up the hard way. Since I was the only child and my parents kept me home a lot and didn't let me experience all those other things that kids were experiencing that were friends of mine, they tended to spoil me a little, buying me toys and things, sometimes not really necessary. But it never really made me grow up and learn how to become an adult. They always paid for everything for me, took care of things for me, never let me have to face the hard times really when I made mistakes. I just wanted to play softball and have no responsibilities, but that only works for so long. Eventually, we have to face the music and grow up. Eventually, at 37, I became a licensed psychiatric technician and did that for 10 years until I made a poor choice that cost me my nursing license and my career, and experiencing jail for the first time and a handful more times. I don't know why I had to go to jail a handful of times to get the picture that it really wasn't where I wanted to be. Let's just say drugs caused me to make poor decisions, caused me to lose my nursing license. Then I worked with my dad for the next 10 years until he was diagnosed with lung cancer. And at that time, my relationship, I had ruined because of being an abusive mate when she did not deserve that whatsoever. I got to experience my dad dying and have nobody to rely on, nobody to have a shoulder to put my head on, to hug me, nothing. I had to face one of the hardest losses that we face, losing our parent by myself, show me by myself. And not only that, I had to figure out how I was going to survive, pay the bills, the rent, and everything that comes along with having your own place, and conquering finding a full-time job that was going to enable me to pay these things in California. Currently, I'm still working that job, struggling to survive because California is so outrageously expensive. I'm almost 61. I'm still single, wish I had a roommate of any kind to share expenses with. What kids today? They have it much easier coming out than it was for me in the early 70s and mid-70s. It was definitely much harder than I'd like to experience a lot of things, a lot of gay pride parades, a lot of functions like that, set a very memorable, we helped stop background that made homosexuality where it stands today. I'm proud to say my coming out, I experienced being a part of that.

And that makes me smile.

So the biggest thing I could say is never give up on any of your dreams. Never give up if people tell you it's impossible. If it's what you want to do, do it. And parents, don't throw your kids out just because they said they have an alternative lifestyle. They're always going to be your kid, and if you kick them out, now you're going to regret it down the road somewhere, you made that person. Don't give up on that person. I plan on writing a whole lot more on this website. I hope if anybody reads this, that you enjoy what you've read and want to read more.