Finding Myself

 I asked the old lady “what do mean?? Do you mean I should just jump off this train and kill myself or do you want that I should let the monster inside me kill me?”

She smiled

And said

“The angel within you is so powerful that she can convert monster and make you the happiest person in life”

2 days back,

I was tired of being trapped in a room with four walls and three people who were not at all like me. I was tired of looking around and finding nothing to do except my job work. I missed the outings, I missed my friends, I missed the trip, I missed everything about being out.

And when I was busy with my own meaningless thoughts, my phone ranged. She was Sheetal. My ex-best friend. I picked up the call without thinking twice “hello Sheetal” I said

“Hey, Kajal. I just called to ask you. have you fought with your friend's group in the last few days?”

“NO, I didn’t. why??”

“Ummm.. your this friend just invited me to go on a trip to goa with them ….. and Ummm …. They were saying that they do not want to include you in the trip. when I asked they were umm……Cursing you”

“IDK” and I hang up

I knew this, My friends. They are meaningless they wanted me for only doing their work at the office and not for myself,

Ugh I hate myself, I hate this world and I hate everyone. I kept my hands on my head and started shouting and crying. no one literally no one was on my side. My parents wanted me to work more and start to give my money to them. They don’t understand that I already work for 12 hours and how much more should in work at this age when I am supposed to enjoy my life and how would I enjoy it???. My friends are not my friends they are just snakes, I hate them all so so so much. I really want to get out of this house and fly away in the sky out of this white room that only has my job work material and this bed which I always hate. I shout again and tears flow out of my eyes not realizing that I have cried for almost 1 hour now. I wash my face and look at the mirror. I have developed so many dark circles and my skin health has never been this worse.

I couldn’t believe what I saw in the mirror because I was never ever like this. I gained so much weight that my cheeks were now hanging. no wonder why I have not clicked a single photo of mine in the past 5 months. I hated myself and I hated myself crying over people who don’t care at all about me and my health.

My phone ranged. I picked it up, it was another job-related assignment that was handed over to me without even asking whether I am tired or not by handling half of the clients. I hung the phone. took the laptop and started working on it again and then a mail popped up my window. “Tired from sitting at home?” the tagline was so amazing that I left the work and clicked on it. it was an advertisement about a trip to Shimla to heal yourself. I wanted to go there. I wanted to but I don’t know. I don’t have anyone to go with so I just sat down looking at the mail and suddenly I stroked my mind why don’t I just run away?. My parents would not let me go because my going alone scares them and also the money spent will be on large scale but I needed a break from everyone. I needed to end this all because I had no one in this whole world and having no one, no one would care if I am alive or I die and I don’t know how while I was thinking so much about this stuff, my feet’s stood up and my hands were ready to pack the bags. I was tired from life. I was tired from work, parental pressure, and my fake friends. I don’t know what cloth I packed or whether or not I took all the essentials, I just wanted to run away.

It was 3 am and the night was like a ghost city. No voice. It was the perfect time to escape. I packed for almost 10 days. I wrote a letter to my papa

“Dear papa, I am tired from my life and I don’t know where I will be heading but to save my life I needed a break. I have been telling you for the past few months that I am depressed and you didn’t care.   You thought it was some kind of joke but no papa I was always crying while you all were sleeping. I don’t know papa. I have kept a lot of money for you and mom on my shelf. I don’t know I will be back alive or not but I know I will find peace. I will miss you papa and sorry for not being like your ideal daughter. I hate myself. bye papa”

I was closest to my papa in the family. He understood me till my 9th grade until my brother started earning 5 figure salary. My mom always scolded me for not being good enough like her son. my brother was this perfect son with 6 good grades, a good job, and all the qualities I will never have. I never got close with my mom because she was always complaining, always comparing. I hated her and me for not being a good daughter to them. While opening the door with the spare keys. I remembered the one moment when I was awarded this art completion medal and my parents were happy and proud but that moment never came back. While leaving the home and not knowing whether I will return or not. I cried my eyes out and went to the railway station which was away at a walking distance from my house. The train was yet to come. I sat on the bench and started looking here and there.

The place was silent with no human even 10 feet around. I felt it was like my room but the cool breeze gave relaxation to my mind and I was just going to drool off but luckily saw this tea seller and drank one cup and looked around again noticing how beautiful the railway station is filling my eyes. the red and blue color railway station was the specialty of this station. The tea was hot but the pain in me was not caring about my tongue and drinking the hot tea in one go. Sitting here ideally with absolutely no work to do ………. My direction of thoughts went to Rahul, how we used to drink chai together and how it always felt right with him until I said no to him and he turned the whole group against me. I hate that they believed Rahul and not me. everything ran again to my mind and the cup of glass in my hand was shaking with the horrifying memory of loneliness and past. I immediately kept it on the bench and when I looked up. A voice disturbed my ears. It was the train. I smiled because this journey would be either a life-changing or life-taking journey for me.

I stood up and took my only bag which had minimal clothing with it, it wasn’t that heavy so I picked it up at one go and waited for the train to stop. I checked my seat number and went from different compartments to find it. there were many people on the train. no one expected any person to come from this area but all were shocked seeing me and I didn’t care. I found my seat near an old lady who was sleeping. I made my way through the place and sat there near the window seat making sure that my presence would not affect the joyful sleep of the lady. I was prepared for my time pass. I took out my earphone making sure that the opening of the chain didn’t make much notice. I played my fav playlist and put on the earphone. enjoying the cool breeze and the view with my fav song playing in the background, I almost forget my pain and slept.

I woke up in the middle of the night or morning at 5 am with the sound of someone singing something. my phone was dead so the song was not playing anymore. when I opened my eyes I saw someone next to me singing it took me 10 sec to open my eyes fully and see an old lady singing bhajan or devotional songs. I respected their belief in God so I dint said anything and then suddenly off she looked at me and stopped singing and said “hello, you are awake! nice to meet you”

It was a while that someone said this to my face to face except my family and I smiled and said “hello” and realized that I am not here to make friends with a person almost triple my age. I looked away

“Where are you from,” she asked

“From palapa, but used to work in Mumbai,” I said looking away from her

“Way to Shimla?”

“Yes. alone ”

“Alone trips are great, you make a whole lot of friends and learn a lot about you”

“You have traveled alone?” I asked now looking at her because I used to feel people who have no friends are the ones who travel alone

“Yes. when I was young, I escaped finding the beauty of the world.”

“You too had no friends?” I asked, immediately feeling bad for the words that I said

“Oh, no honey! I had friends, a lot of them actually but I wanted to explore myself. you know sometimes we work so hard to satisfy others that we almost forget the most important being in this world that is us, ourselves. to find yourself again you need a break from everything and everyone and that’s fine”

“Your words touch my heart. but I really hope I was this positive about life. I mean I always feel alone and it feels like no one is really mine”

“Oh, dear!! No worries we all felt that way somewhere in our life. you know when I traveled alone, I escaped the world and it made me realize that I was unhappy because of some people around, and due to that negativity I almost found everything negative in everyone and that made me sad with myself. I used to curse myself for not being enough until I traveled solo a person changed my way of thinking and I realized that I should live for myself. Never followed my love for anything, I just followed the love or dream of my parents, friends then how would I be happy? When I never lived for myself”

“I feel you but I feel like no one actually cares for me as I should die. I came here to die. I don’t want to live this life down here with so many cruel people and the imperfect me”

“Then jump off right now,” she said looking away from me with a straight face and no emotions

 I asked the old lady “what do mean?? Do you mean I should just jump off this train and kill myself or do you want that I should let the monster inside me kill me?”

She smiled

And said

“The angel within you is so powerful that she can convert monster and make you the happiest person in life”

“You love your life, you worked so hard for everything in your life to be where you are now. your parents might scold you but they love you more than anything and if you say of friends, you only hate your friends when they are fake. A true friend is never hated by you even if the world hates him/her you always love that one true friend. If you say of yourself … you deep down love yourself a lot but you forgot to take care of YOU and the solution is to take care of yourself and your parents not to die. ”

The words almost shook me. I could not believe what I just heard. was it true? Was I that powerful1? I don’t know “

 I looked away from her, showing no interest in her talk because what she said was hard to digest and the words kept hanging in my mind again and again

“Somewhere you know that you want to live your life and do a lot but the negativity in you is stopping you. No one can fight for you. You have to fight for yourself. make the unimportant one go and the important one understand you. because you are precious that’s what the old men said to me when I was in the condition you are in. be confident because you can conquer this world ” the old lady stood up and wayed by.

“No ! the stop isn’t here yet. it will take 4 hours more”

“My work is done. I have cancer and I am going to die tomorrow according to the doctor. I have achieved everything I wished for except this one thing that I just did ”

“What?” I asked in shock

“The old man saved my life and it was my goal to save the life and give a ray of hope to a diamond-like you,” she said touching my chin

The smile on her face was incredible

“I don’t know, how to express my gratitude towards you..” I said and stood up.

“You don’t have to,” she said recollecting her things.

I hugged her. I love her. Thank you is the word that would be too small for the things she just did for me.

I cried . she was right. Giving up on myself is giving up on every person who expects something from me, most importantly my parents. Being friends with them was a bad choice but that does not mean that I should kill myself. I loved myself and my parents. No matter how much they shout at me at the very end they were the people who raised me. I loved them and myself and I also have so much potential to work. I worked damn hard to reach the level, I am now and I even get a promotion. I looked at the beautiful moving motion outside the window. The world was so beautiful with greens around. how can I leave this beautiful world until it decides to abandon me? I came here in this beautiful world wanted me to and I will go according to the wish of nature, I thought to myself. I know what I wanted to do now. I wanted to call my parents and tell them about my trip and reach back to my hometown and have a beautiful life with my great parents, make some amazing friends