Her.

Ammu runs to school excitedly. First day of 6th grade! 'I'm going to make new friends and ace the year.' Her eyes are filled with delight- old school but a new year. She rushes to her classroom- 6C. 'HI GUYS' she shouts, her sound ringing over the school bell.

'Take your seats, everyone.'

She rushed to take her seat- on the front bench- she wanted to focus on her class this year.

'Hey! What's your name?' She asks the boy sitting behind her.

'Pranav'

They shake their hands. They're friends now, that's how sixth-grade works, the moment you talk, you'll be friends. It's that simple.

Ammu walks to school. Each day passes slower than the other. It's been twelve years since she started school and instead of a sense of accomplishment, she feels tired of this repetitive and strenuous routine.

Her first day of twelfth grade seems like a mountain that must be crossed instead of the smooth river she imagined it to be. She had reached where she wanted- the last year of high school, soon she'd be off to college learning what she pleases. But why was she not happy? Since first grade, she wished to be one of those 12th-grade seniors wearing bright blue Kurtis and shawls, but now that she's one of them, she no longer feels excited.

Ammu walks to class-

'Should I greet them? I guess not, what will my classmates think? I'd end up being the immature giant of the classroom.'

She found her friend, Lekha, and settled herself in. She sits on the front bench because it was the only seat that was free.

Ammu sits with Pranav, her new buddy. Her first class started- science. Science always fascinated her- Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? How do Humans feel emotions? Can the earth stray away from its path?

Her sixth-grade class teacher was lovely and told her the most interesting stories.

The school was slow but her heart was racing with ambition.

 

Ammu sits with Lekha. She does not bother talking to anyone else or rather what can she talk about when she is not interested in anything?

Her class begins with physics. She ended up taking science because her younger self wanted to.

But where did her curiosity go?

Why is the sky blue? The answer is in her 9th-grade textbook

Why is the grass green? 8th-grade textbook

Why do humans have emotions? 11th-grade textbook

Can the earth stray away from its axis? It's not necessary to know since it's not a part of the syllabus.

Her classes are fast now- her teachers are speeding up to finish their textbooks but her heart moves slowly, she has lost her drive and curiosity.

Ambition? The word doesn't exist anymore.

Ammu's class finished early, she finally has time to talk to her class.    ' HI, MY NAME IS AMMU!' 

She shouts to anyone who cared to listen. She's friends with everyone she talks to. She makes mistakes, has embarrassing conversations, and has awkward silences but doesn't care. After all, it happens to everyone, doesn't it?

'Ammu, sit still for a minute, I am trying to teach here' her teacher says.

'But I was just talking to Sreya about her week'

'For heaven's sake be quiet for a second

SILENCE

 

Her class was about to start and Ammu wanted to talk to the people around her, they seem fun!

'But how do I speak to them?'

'I don't want to annoy anyone honestly'

'I think it's better if I just read my book'

Class starts-

'What is the full form of DNA?'

'I think it's Deoxyribonucleic acid…But what if it's wrong? I'll end up embarrassing myself in front of the class. I better not say it.'

SILENCE

Ammu reaches home after school. First day of 6th grade! She had lots of exciting things to tell her Amma. New Class, Lovely Friends.

Another year of passion and a year closer to reaching her dream. She wanted to be a scientist and research about the human brain.

Oh, she could just imagine her life-

Curious as always but also a wonderful leader driven by passion.

An ever so lovely and wondrous lab.

The very thought of it gives her goosebumps.

She'd be exactly where she wants to be with wonderful friends and family.

At the end of the day she sits by her mother and talks about her day and excitedly exclaims,' Oh I just wish I were older'.

Ammu walks back home, her responsibilities seem as heavy as the earth. She wishes to tell her Amma about a wonderful last first day.

That would be a lie.

'Let's just talk to her about other good things

She reaches back home, finishes her shower, and gets ready for extra classes.

Every 12th grader had tuition classes. It was a hellish cycle- everyone tries to hold on to their goals, but Ammu has already lost hers. The studying is endless but her dreams have dissolved.

What will her future be like? Will it be in a lab like her past desired? 

Or will it be like the present- drowned in continuous worry?

Ammu lies down in her mother's lap as she softly mutters, 'I wish I were young again'.