I Have A Past

"Shivani, do you need any help? Koftas smell so great. We cannot wait to eat these." Her bhabhi (sister in law) was all praise for her but she, the usually ebullient Shivani, responded very faintly, "yea, I am bringing".

Shivani was cooking koftas in the kitchen for the whole family but her mind was pre-occupied with yesterday's incidents. She had seen him near her colony compound, but was quite sure that he did not see her. She just wished that he would not see her in the future as well. His mere thought send shivers down her spine. Her past flashed before her which she never shared with anyone so far, to the extent of convincing herself that it didn't actually exist.

Shivani had always been a cheerful and gregarious person. She was usually surrounded by a large group of friends, who loved to hang around and party on a regular basis. A few days ago, they planned to go to Goa and stay there for the weekend. After all, this was their last weekend before the end of college life hence they wanted to end it in grand style.

Her family was usually quite liberal in accepting her friendly adventures but this time they were a bit hesitant.

'Com'on papa, it's just 2 days and I am not going alone'

'Yeah dear, I understand, but this is overnight stay, that too in Goa, hope there are no issues... '

'Goa is quite safe, I am not a kid anymore, and can very well take care of myself. Plus there will be friends. Please let me go! '

'Well, Okay! ' her father agreed reluctantly.

Off they left to Goa and it was a truly fabulous vacation. All the friends had a gala time sitting on those shacks, listening to good music and drinking together. Then they began to feel the drowsiness and started leaving to their rooms. Shivani also began to leave but Harsh held her hand and pulled her, "Please don't leave, I want to spend sometime with you alone." Shivani blushed while hearing this. She knew that Harsh likes her but she wanted him to confess his love. "Why, what happened? Aren't you feeling sleepy? " She smiled with naughtiness.

"I really like you" Harsh said.

"Oh, you are just drunk". Shivani was enjoying the tease.

" No, I really do. I wish we stay here a day longer..only 2 of us." He continued to stare at her.

"That is difficult, my parents may get concerned."

"Don't worry, tell them you missed the flight and will come a day later. I will drop you home. Please say yesss"

"O.. K, Fine" She was feeling very tentative but still felt butterflies and could not resist the temptation.

"Are you done with Koftas? They look Yummy! Let's eat them now, we are feeling so hungry. " Shivani was jolted out of her thoughts by Yash, her husband. Shivani looked at him, as if woken up from a nightmare, her face so flushed.

"Are you okay? You don't seem fine. Take some rest! "

"No I am good, just a little tired" Shivani tried to handle the situation.

They sat beside her to devour the delicacies and relished the food while she was just chewing it. It was really long since she last lost the taste. Unfortunately, she was living the hell again today.

"Stop it Harsh, why are you being so violent!!?" She said frightfully as she could see him turn wild and pouncing on her in that closed room.

"Just shut up! " He tried to thrust her mouth closed and neither seemed to listen nor step back.

Shivani got scared as she was alone and trapped. She was cursing herself as to why she agreed on this proposal.

She was trying to free herself from his clutches and just managed saying, "Please leave me pleeaase. I want to go."

"You cannot go like this. I said I will drop you. You don't have to worry. " He was grinning. Shivani was seething with pain but got fumed at his grin. She tried reaching for his keyring in her pocket while crying helplessly. This had a sharp edgy design with her name engraved on it. She quickly hit it on his groin and with full force, kicked him as hard as possible. He winced with pain and this allowed her a chance to let herself free. She looked around to check something that she could use as a weapon. She picked up a big flower pot from the table and threw it on him shouting, "Go to hell, despo". He was bleeding a lot and before he could act, she collected herself and just ran out of the door. She had locked him in so that he could not come behind her.

While back home, she somehow reached Goa by a cab but she was terrified, infuriated and deeply hurt all at once. She wanted to complain about him but didn't want to tell anyone the rest of the story. She thought that she doesn't need to meet him again given that college has ended now, hence it is futile to talk about him. She told the parents that there was some road accident which she escaped, but inside, she was all torn due to the betrayal and molestation attempt. She could not accept that the one she considered worthy of her love could come to such heinous act.

"Why did I believe him? Why did I agree? It was my fault"

It took her sometime to overcome her guilt and dig her past. It was another matter that she still fears trusting anybody, and is extra sensitive to isolated places. She was happy in her married life as her partner was reasonable and showed empathy. Her life was quite busy currently while juggling with her job and home responsibilities but she was happy. She also enjoyed cooking during weekends as she went about trying new recipes. And here she was today, pulled back to the same black hole of shame, sorrow and guilt.

While she was trying to sleep, tightly closing her eyes, Yash came closer to her. "What's wrong with you Shivi? Something is not normal. You were shivering when I saw you in the kitchen." Yash said very calmly.

Shivani's eyes stormed with tears. She could almost feel the steam vapourise on her face. The anger she had on that man and herself, seemed to surface. Yet, she found it difficult to voice it to her husband. After all, she never told this to him earlier so he may feel betrayed as well. There are certain things which husband fail to understand, even with all their empathy. Moreover, she has been bitten once trusting men so couldn't afford the risk with her husband.

However, Yash was not relenting, but he remained patient. He understood that she needed catharsis to come out of this. Forcing her to share is not the best way.

"It's okay if you do not want to share now. I just want to tell you that I love you and don't want to see you in pain. If my reaction bothers you, I can only hope that you trust me someday enough to share your weakness as well."

Hearing this, she finally mustered some courage and told him, "This is about my past....Actually I was interested in someone during college days but he turned out to be a monster in disguise. " She again broke down while saying this. Yash was a bit disturbed to hear this but held his calm. "Please continue, I want to listen." Shivani gathered further strength after seeing his patience and told him everything about that night tearfully, "I am so sorry, I should have not stayed. It was my fault."

Yash wiped her tears and after a pause, finally spoke, "Your fault was that you trusted him and lied to your parents. But all of us do that sometimes. It is not a crime neither is it something to be so ashamed of. You loved him so getting carried away is understandable. I feel bad that you had to carry this guilt alone for so long. I am actually proud of your resilience that you did not give up and faced him. However, why did you suddenly get back to your past? Did he call you? "

Shivani was now more comfortable sharing with him. She told him that she saw Harsh near their colony and it looked like he may be coming to this colony soon. Even now, she had a doubt that he may later talk back on this front but she was feeling calmer after sharing her past.

"You can report to the police if he tries to intimidate you anyhow. You need not be scared of anything. You could have done it long ago when that happened." Yash was also a bit shaken by this story but he was determined that he will not let his ego come in between as he had to be her shield in this time. Marriage is not between two perfect people so anything that comes as a package has to be accepted and loved. Besides, she never cheated on him.

Now Shivani wasn't scared anymore. She put aside her guilt and was prepared to take on the challenge head-on. No incident is bigger than life. She also felt more empowered now than ever before. It wasn't because her husband forgave her but because she could forgive herself and smiled with all her heart.