My True Identity

“Life is filled with uncertainties. There is always another perspective, another reason, another angle which either makes you wrong or less right than before.” ~ Irumporia.

The giggling children, who stood at the orphanage's doorway ran towards me and I immediately embraced them as I was already sitting in a crouched position. The laughter in that hour was totally necessary as seeing them this happy was something I could only imagine a few years ago.

Most importantly I was happy and I adored them. The smile on these faces is all I need and when these kids are around, nobody needs a materialistic object to feel glee. These kids won't let you contain their laughter and will love you unconditionally. The beauty and innocence of being a child are toxic.

"Iru", a voice echoed and I saw a young man with pale skin and beautiful features, the alluring smile that can captivate any heart and hairs that swayed as he came running towards me seemed out of a movie. He joined his hands as if doing Namaste then he hugged me tightly as if it was the last time he could embrace me.

I reciprocated the hug and it was convenient because we were of the same height. The warm hug felt nostalgic as I hugged my best friend, who then congratulated me as I got graduated today.

“The reporters will be here soon, Are you ready?”, he inquired while curling his lips into a slight smile.

“Never been readier”, I replied enthusiastically.

“Irumporia, first of all, congratulations on your graduation. Would you tell us about your journey so far?” the reporter who sat in front of me asked me this question.

I looked at my best friend and all the kids beside me who sat there eagerly waiting to hear my story. Then I looked at the reporter. He gestured me to fix my gaze towards the camera. And so with a deep breath, I prepared myself and was ready to tell the world my story.

“Thank you, sir. Your compliment took my nervousness away.”

I adjusted my posture on the chair and started talking again.

“So, it all started when I ran away from home due to the burden of forced marriage. Well, in India especially in mediocre families it is not uncommon but my case was a little more complicated.

I was born in a South Indian family as ‘Irumporia Naidu’ and was the only boy after 6 daughters. My mere existence made everyone grateful as everybody doted on me. But things began to go haywire when I started doubting my identity.

As I reached puberty I started doubting my gender. I no longer wanted to behave like a boy but instead, I wanted to be a girl. I acted like one, talked like one and even started dressing in private like one. Initially, everybody thought it was because I was the only boy among many sisters but inside I knew this wasn’t the case.

A time came when words from my mother were not enough so she consorted to beating. Then word spread out about me and I started getting bullied in school so I dropped out of school too.

Things finally subsided when I was taken to a shaman. But not for too long as soon I realised that the incense stick he gave had an addictive drug and hence I disregarded its use”

I tried to be as calm as possible and took a sip of water from the glass placed beside me.

“I was even taken to a psychiatrist and my parents lied about everything. So, I was put on certain medications and that deteriorated my self-esteem gradually. It hit rock bottom and all those chemicals inside my head messed up everything. I became quiet for a few years and began ignoring people, especially girls.

I really thought that something was wrong with me and hence stayed low. Then a miracle happened.

It was August 8th, the date to which I now celebrate my birthday, the law for Transgender bill was passed. I felt like I acquired my identity again. But it was also the day of my marriage but I was no longer a nobody. I had enough of going with the flow and living up to someone else’s desires.

The dormant inner voice ultimately spoke after all these years. Maybe it was waiting for the perfect time to rise and shine.

Can you elaborate on what your inner voice said to you at that time? the reporter asked rather inquisitively.

I nodded in affirmation before speaking. It said that Iru, Humans that become accustomed to darkness will be nothing but mannequins. You no longer have to act like one. In the beginning, you were fine but these people triggered your inner thoughts and now look to how many degrees you have inclined.

I contemplated and was happy that my heart and my mind coordinated this time.

I had finally gained my identity and hence I had every right to make a decision for myself.

I was neither smiling nor crying while I looked towards the camera. I just felt a feeling of satisfaction.

“So, I ran away and reached the very bridge where I met my best friend. He was sitting there idly and enjoying his cold drink. My memory is still vivid as I roamed for a whole day that day because my happiness knew no bounds. And after contemplating a lot finally concluded the bridge to be my last stop.”

Raj glanced towards me and smiled. He then again started drinking.

I saw him in amazement as I prepared my mind to go and talk to him. Maybe his smile was the reason. Maybe I wanted to share my happiness with just someone, anyone I would have encountered at that time. There were other people on the bridge but his smile captivated me.

As I walked, I enjoyed the pleasant breeze while he remained unbothered. In that hour, I noticed my surroundings contently that the slow-blowing breeze is full of oxygen. The night view around me is beautiful as I witnessed the beauty of nature. The buildings and honking cars surrounding me were the creative man-made inventions that were engraved in my memory.

All these thoughts raised in my head as I halted. Then I finally told him how happy I am and it was assuring because the person waited for me to finish.

Then finally after finishing his cold drink can, he turned around to face me and finally spoke.

"Would you like to visit a place with me? Consider it as your gift. I am not forcing you to come along but instead, consider it a part of your to-do list before starting a new life."

I don't know why but as if I was mesmerized by his words or maybe my desperation wanted me to do this. I immediately reached for his hand. I raised my head and those eyes were like magnets as I was pulled towards them like an opposite pole. He gave me no time to speak and soon we both were running like gipsies with no care in the world.

I could hear the sound of fireworks as they decorated the sky performing the colourful shows. I thought maybe India won the match or maybe there are people like me who are celebrating too.

The different coloured rays painted the pitch-black sky. I looked in front and could see the back of the stranger who seemed around my age. He held my hand so tightly, I could feel the adrenaline rush in my veins.

The kind hands that he offered me were everything that I needed during the despondent hour. I ran without a care in the world and did not question the identity or intentions of that person. I took a good look at the surroundings around me thinking that we all looked the same then only I got the blame.

We ran for quite some time and then he slowed his pace. We reached the entrance of a forest and after traversing a little further, we reached our destination.

There was a building in front of me that had a dilapidated look. The ticking of the insects was audible and the sound of fireworks became faint as compared to earlier. The tall trees enveloped the building and the stranger brushed past and led the way.

I quietly followed him as I was ready to encounter anything today. We reached the door but saw no doorbell. He knocked on the door three times and shortly I could hear the giggles of the children from inside.

All those children were orphans and the most fascinating part was that we all resembled each other. Not from the outside but from the inside. Maybe it was all fate but today this person is not just my best friend but my husband and we are the first married transgender couple in India.”

                                                       

THE END