Reptile

In the hot sun of April, the road was absolutely burning. The soles of the shoes swell as if the heat was rising up to the feet. An umbrella would have been nice. The handle of my umbrella was so badly rusted that I could not open it. I just got out of home without my umbrella. I had to go a long distance to reach the shop. That day my son asked me to bring a rat trap. There were very small mice in the house. At that time, papers were being cut everywhere. Sometimes even they were jumping into the cooking pot. My son is a very busy person. He is an officer of the government office. So, I had been asked to buy a rat trap. At the age of eighty, I had none other than my son to depend on. If I didn’t keep the son's order, he might get angry. So, without thinking too much, I went out in the hot sun. Though my daughter-in-law had a good umbrella it cannot be said, if it was necessary to go out, then she had to go out with the sun on her head like me. If my son heard that his wife went out in this hot sun without an umbrella, he would be very angry. That was rather better than that. The distance was not so far. How long would it take? Although it could have been reached within ten minutes if I went by auto, it was not justifiable to spend money unnecessarily. I was completely empty-handed, not earning a penny. The pension of Rs. 1000 per month was the source of my own income. At least the cost of cigarettes was managed by it anyway. I couldn't quit that one bad habit. Many times, I had thought of giving up. But I could not. I realized that my head under the hot sun was just burning. When my wife was alive, she would never let me go out in the sun like this. I remembered her very much. When my son was a child, he used to hug my neck and say, 'Dad, I will buy you a car when I will grow up. You don't have to walk anywhere anymore.' A government vehicle comes to take the son to the office every morning. Moreover, he bought a personal one also. I had been told many times to ride. But I didn't want to. They got married just a few months ago. That was their age of pleasure. Now if I, being an old man sitting among them, then it would be uncomfortable for both of us. Being a labourer at a Jute mill I could never let the boy eat good food. Couldn't even send him to any good school for studies. The gate of the factory used to be locked for six months every year. Only God alone knows how I managed to earn a livelihood. Did I have the face to demand from my son? Still, two handfuls of food were free from worry. Now I was not even able enough to earn money. How life had become like a reptile! With age, cold blood began to flow in the body. I was living without a backbone. The real thing at this age was to keep the mind strong. The mind is the source of our driving force. If control can be kept in the mind, it can go freely at its own will. Another problem that I am facing nowadays is that I am feeling very hungry. Too much hunger is not good for me at this age. Babu's mother used to say this often. She used to tell to me with love. What beautiful cooking hands she had. I could not provide her with even a good kitchen in my life. She loved a good kitchen. She told me about the gas oven on the coloured slabs, the wall cupboards lined with spice boxes, separate racks for keeping utensils, and many other appliances. I couldn't understand it when I fell asleep listening to it at night. Now I really want to hear all those words again. I Can't sleep at night now. In the silence of the endless night, I kept listening to the words of Babu's mother. But Babu's mother doesn't talk anymore. Sometimes the eyes get wet. I wiped my eyes with a handkerchief. But my granddaughter’s cooking skills are also very good. She also cooks delicious food. As I said that I am feeling very hungry nowadays, but due to shame I can't ask for more. My granddaughter doesn't like asking at all. One night she was saying to his father, "Father's hunger is increasing day by day." I also reduced the amount of food. But I didn't tell anyone. And it is also needless to say that day by day the prices of goods are increasing very high. Once I managed my family, I understand the pain. If I do not understand the pain of the son as a father, who will understand?

 After a lot of bargaining, I bought the rat trap for ninety-five rupees, reduced by only five rupees. I also returned five rupees. But my daughter-in-law looked at me in surprise and said, 'This rat trap is of ninety-five rupees!' Hearing her words, I was more surprised than her. But I remained silent. I went to my room without saying anything. My daughter-in-law didn't call me to eat that day. But I don't know why she didn't call me to eat. It is very difficult to bear hunger in old age. When I was young, many days I spent on nothing but water. In the afternoon with a little courage, I said to my daughter-in-law, 'Won’t let me eat anything today?' Hearing my words, she was furious. 'Do you have to call for dinner every day?' Really, it's my fault. I didn't want to eat. But I never have to beg for food. Every day, when she calls for more food, I go only then. Being insulted in such a way I felt great pain. God knows how long it will last like this. Lying on the bed, I remembered my wife. Unknowingly, my eyelids got wet. I myself did not understand when I fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of my son’s car horn. Oh God, it's so late! I looked out of the window and saw that the afternoon had almost passed. I felt my head very tippy. It seemed that my head could not bear the heat of the sun in the morning. And what is the fault of the head? All machines have longevity. Its longevity is at the very end. I am just counting down the remaining days of my life and waiting for the very day when the machinery inside the head will stop working. Hearing the voice of my daughter-in-law outside, my worry disappeared. All the crazy thoughts that come to mind these days have no fixed thought. But it's nice to think about. Even though the ideas are silly, there is a lot of juice in them. But I tried a little to understand why my daughter-in-law started screaming. From what I heard, it seems that she was telling something about the rat trap. With curiosity, I went near to my son's room. But suddenly I was directly confronted by my daughter-in-law. She took one look at me with very fiery eyes and walked towards the kitchen. My son takes his dinner after returning from the office. My daughter-in-law might have gone to arrange dinner for him. My son had just returned from the office. It was not proper to bother him about this trivial matter. But without knowing the matter, the mind is also confused. If it were anything else, I wouldn't be so interested. Because husband and wife argue about many things. It is their personal matter. I am not interested in those things. And it is not right to be interested. But as the matter was about the rat trap, I felt interested to know about the matter. I stood there for a while not knowing what to do. But I could not understand anything. But the more surprising thing is that my daughter-in-law didn't say anything when she saw me standing in front of their bedroom. Oh! I didn't even notice that I was standing in front of their bedroom! what a shame! It is very shameful to stand in front of their bedroom. I immediately realized my mistake and headed to my room. But the mind did not want to be fixed on anything. I felt very hungry. I didn't even have the courage to ask my daughter-in-law for something to eat. I did not understand what to do. I started walking into the room. At one time, my son surprised me and stood in front of the threshold of my room. I was completely scared. I looked at him with a questioning look and saw that the rat trap hanging in his hand. Without giving me time to ask anything, my son knocked on the table in my room and put the rat trap on it, and said, 'Does it make sense to buy a rat trap or fifty rupees for one hundred rupees? Return the trap tomorrow morning and bring the money back. And yes, one more thing, if you have stolen some money, tell me now. Then there is no need to return it.' Hearing my son’s words, I fell from the sky. In the end, the boy called me a thief! I could not find any language to answer the words of my son. I have never scolded him. I never let his mother to scold him. But if his mother was alive today, she would have slapped her son. My son left without wasting any more words. I stood for a while with the rat trap in my hand, but could not understand anything. 

Of course, the next morning I went back to the store to return the rat trap. My soul is also trapped in an invisible rat trap. I began to feel great pity for the poor mice. I Decided, I will never buy another rat trap anyway.

But another facade was erected when I went to the shop. When returning I heard that sold goods are non-refundable. Still, I tried to return the trap by pleading for a while. But nothing else could be done. This is a great danger! I put my hand into my pocket and felt that there was only one hundred rupees note there. That was the last resort for me. I never begged anything from my son. In the end, whether to beg for money from the son to buy cigarettes! No, no it won't happen. Can I ask for money to buy cigarettes from my son? When I remembered about cigarettes, I reached into my pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes. And there was only one cigarette left. I hesitated to hold the cigarette for a while and finally put the cigarette back in the packet and put it in my pocket. For now, I suppressed my desire to smoke. Then I took the rat trap in my hand and started towards home again. In the end, I decided that I would rather give the one hundred rupees note to my daughter-in-law. I will also give up my cigarette addiction forever. And without sacrificing or what was the way. There was no money to buy cigarettes. So, even if I don't want to, I have to give up the addiction. But I sensed early on that it would not be easy. Because ever since my mind was able to grasp the fact that I was going to quit smoking, I didn't know why I wanted to smoke cigarettes so much. I had never had such a strong addiction to smoking. It felt like a bad habit. I had no idea that this bad habit was so firmly ingrained in me, that it had taken root so deep in my subconscious mind. Now I worried more about the cigarette in my pocket than the rat trap. There was only one cigarette left. I didn't touch the cigarette at all. I thought ‘Let’s see what happens in the end.’ When I returned home, I did not take out the rat trap from the bag. I didn't even let my daughter-in-law know that the rat trap was in my bag. I took out the one hundred rupees note from my pocket and gave it to her. She took the money from my hand and entered the house with a sigh of relief. Her sigh of relief seemed to increase the feeling of uneasiness in my mind. Because I gave up even my last wealth in fact.

I entered the house and walked around for a while. I could not understand what to think, why to think, and where to start thinking. Only a void in my mind began to consume my whole mind. I felt like my mind was curled up in a corner like a reptile and every now and then it wanted a little cigarette smoke. But I also stuck to my promise – though forced – to never touch that one left-out cigarette. I looked greedily at the cigarettes on the table, but never commanded my mind to touch it. If I had left the habit a little earlier, I would not have suffered so much today. Feeling a dry throat, I drank some water. But that didn't work either. A little smoke would have been nice. Nothing seemed to be satisfying. I looked through the window and saw that the afternoon had passed. The clouds in the sky had the colour of the afternoon. My daughter-in-law didn't call me to eat even today. I also did not say anything to her. I took off my clothes and went out towards the road. In the park, small children were playing and chirping like birds. I often used to watch them play. But today I didn't want to stand there anymore. I went a little further away, under a banyan tree in an open space where a group of laborers was playing cards sitting on a red rock. They were playing cards with two hands pulling bidis between their teeth. How the trains were running on the railway line screaming. It seemed that everyone was in a hurry. No one had time to stand still. It's like I was the only one sitting on a brick coiled up behind the railway line. I was the only one who didn't have any work. Then what's the point of living that way! When I thought about death, I remembered my son and my daughter-in-law. But as soon as I remembered them, the faint desire to live was also erased from my mind in an instant. Again, I felt that there was a signal of a railway train running at a high speed in a faint sound on the railway line. Within a few moments, the train came running with that chest-cracking sound again. I did no more mistakes at that time. An absolutely unmissable goal. I jumped between the wheels. In no time, it made a loud noise and disappeared into the distance, dismembering my body. A few pieces of my body were scattered here and there. I really wanted to tidy them up a bit. But when I went to arrange them, I felt someone grabbed my hand and drag me outside. I saw my wife. I realized I had come to the world of death. So around I saw not only my wife but many others, who had died long ago. My wife took me to a hidden place and cried loudly. I also held him for a long time and cried. Then both wiped our eyes and looked at each other for a while. After a while, my wife said, 'Come'. I asked, "Where?" My wife said, "In our room." I was surprised. But our house was on that side. Where were we going up? How the body had become so light. I felt after so long, both of us were flying. I felt quite a thrill in my heart. But how was that possible? I said to my wife, 'Let's go, let's take a look at our house one last time before leaving.' My wife didn't want to let me go at first. But because I didn't have time to express my last wish before dying, it seemed that she didn't prevent my first wish after death. When we both went home, we found that it was almost late in the evening. The news of my death had not yet reached my home. My son had also returned home from the office. But why were they both quietly going to my room? It is not right to go to someone's room in their absence. Everyone has privacy. I also quietly followed them. I saw my daughter-in-law taking out the rat trap from my bag and showing it to my son. But did she realize in the morning that the rat trap was in my bag? But that was not to be. I waited till last to watch the whole fact. If I had lived, I would not have seen so many things. My daughter-in-law said to my son, 'You see, how much your father is a liar? In spite of having a trap of his own, he took money from us. I have never seen such a liar.’

I didn't want to stay there anymore. I went outside holding my wife’s hand. She took me by the hand and carried me towards our unknown house, twisting my body like a reptile. However, when I left, I looked for the last time at the house and saw the cigarette still visible through the window. I saved only one cigarette with great care. But I died without smoking it.