THE ATHLETE MOM

Hima looked around her four-poster bed. It was dark outside, the light from a street lamp outside peeped into the room from the gaps between the two curtains on the window.

She had woken up, disturbed by the loud wails of a child, baby. But it was all silent now. 

Sitting cross-legged on the four-poster bed, she looked around for her mobile phone, on the adjacent chair that doubled up as a bedside stand at night, where she kept her phone, rosary, and a bottle of water in the night. 

For a second, the bright light of the mobile phone illuminated her room before she clicked it back. 

2:30 am. 

She held her head in her hands, still sitting cross-legged. 

For days now, she had been waking up around this same time at night, disturbed by a child's cry. 

Is Varun hiding something from me? Is the baby sick? Then, why isn't he telling me about it? 

She took her phone again, wanting to call up Varun and ask again, but decided against it at the last moment. It was not the appropriate time. 

There never was an appropriate time. He always evaded her questions. She was the one who always had to call. Neither Varun nor her parents-in-law called. But what choice did she have if she wanted to hear her one-year-old daughter's voice? 

So she called every day, once around noon and then around eight o clock in the night, just after dinner. 

Varun would then put the phone on loudspeaker and in the background she could hear Tina babble, wail, or giggle, depending on her mood. Some days she would say, 'Amma' and Hima would be happy for days together after that. There was nothing much else that Varun or her mother-in-law told her. Their answers to any question she asked about Tina would always be responded with, 'She's fine. She doesn't need her mother anyway'. Often she felt that they were trying to distance her from her daughter. 

At other times, she used to get positively alarmed about her daughter's safety. After all, Varun and his family had mentioned during her pregnancy that they would prefer a boy child any day and that it was her duty to produce a heir. They hadn't mentioned anything about it after her delivery though she knew they were disappointed and were eager to see her pregnant a second time. 

But that was when Anthony sir called and asked her to be at the national camp. There was a slot open for a relay team member and he was positive that she would get selected. 

Hima had been reluctant. She hadn't been on the tracks for nearly two years now and hadn't taken care to remain fit either. But with the doping test resulting in the ban of seven athletes, he mentioned that the authorities had no choice but to let the next best person in, and that was her. 

So despite stern opposition from her family, she had come to the camp in Patiala, thousands of miles away from her home in the hills of Idukki in Kerala. 

It was not going to be an easy journey and she learned that soon. Her postpartum body needed much toning up. The everyday routine of exercises and training tired her out. She felt that she had made a mistake trying to make a comeback in her career. Often times at night, she cried, lonely and desolate, contemplating the options she had - of leading an obscure life in a remote hill town, beaten up and embarrassed by her family every day, or striving to leave a mark in the sport that had been her passion, and possibly only strength. 

But what troubled her most was the guilt of leaving her child back at home. All the virtues of motherhood seemed to be screaming at her for doing this evil. Every night these thoughts would clog her mind and she would will herself to quit the next day but in the morning, out on the tracks, she would forget her woes and concentrate on the task at hand. 

Running helped her clear her thoughts and filled her with positive energy. Her child should one day look up to her and have her as a role model, she decided. 

In the morning she trained for stamina and endurance while after some rest in the afternoons, it was mainly strength training exercises in the gym. 

After several weeks of training, she could feel her body work better, and her speed and strides improve. And she was able to clear the qualifying round easily and book a berth in the 4 x 400 metres relay team for the Asian Games. 

She called her home earlier than usual to share this happy news. But even before she could say it, her mother-in-law had snapped, 'What kind of mother are you? The child is sick and all she cares about is running around in those tiny shorts. Doomed is my son's life.'

Hima was distraught. Had she been a negligent mother in her zeal to seal her name? How could she forget that Sia had an immunization due at her 15-month mark? She felt bad and devastated. 

She decided to pack her bags, give in her quit tomorrow and go back home, even if it would mean taunts and insults from family and society. She felt like a total failure - both in her career and her role as a mother, not to mention that as a wife and daughter. 

Having made up the decision, she went to bed, sleeping fitfully as usual. 

The next day, she got ready to tell her coach about her decision. But she felt an opportune moment didn't come. Whatever she rehearsed in the night, she was not able to fulfil in the morning. This continued for several days. And finally, with just one week for the event, she decided to go ahead with what she had come here for. 

The games were inaugurated by the prime minister and the events started. Hima and her team had their first round on the sixth day. They easily cruised into the finals, clocking a time of 3:55:06, which was the second-best among all the teams. 

Their coach was confident of them bettering their time in the finals and bagging the gold medal. Hima was the first runner of the quarterert. As soon as the whistles were blown, she blasted off from the starting pads, and taking a lead at around the 300m mark, handed over the baton to her teammate, the second runner. She was the first to hand over the baton among the eight teams. 

The crowds cheered for the Indian team, but sadly the second runner faltered, giving up the valuable lead that Hima had garnered. And the team only managed to finish a fourth, a place one step out of the pedestal. 

Hima was heartbroken. All that training, and all the efforts felt like gone wasted. She cried. 

When she arrived at her hometown, she was subjected to ridicule and insults. Her family and her husband remained aloof and distant. It was only her little daughter who snuggled up to her, hugged her and embraced her, even after not seeing her for four whole months. 

Hima was determined never to stay away from her even for a day, even if it meant getting constantly ridiculed and irritated. 

After the poor performance of the team, Hima had given up all hopes of pursuing the sport and making a name for herself, when she got a letter. It was a recruitment offer as a coach in a leading school in the capital city. 

The whole night she worried about what she should be doing. She was tired of living a subjugated life but at the same time wasn't sure that she was ready to swim against the tide, and stand up to subjugation. 

The next morning, she once again packed her bags. Only, this time she had two bags packed. One big one for herself and one small one, for the toddler.