The Dream of a Ridiculous Man in 21st Century (Part-5)

So many things going on inside my mind since morning. I want to write. That’s all my plan. I just came to UIA Central Mosque and sat at the corner to write with my old laptop. This laptop I bought from Lowyat Plaza, Bukit Bintang with rm600. This is 2nd hand laptop. I bought 8 years before. I use only for my assignment. Lenovo is cheap always. Actually, I bought HP with rm1300rm from my friend but I lost before I bought this one. I was in language course. I was working in outside. I came to campus after 1 or 2 weeks. I went to my room at mahallah(hostel) Faruq. I saw my room completely empty. My certificates, my laptop, my underwear I see nothing there. All are gone. I rushed to mahallah office and later mahallah officier pretended to check in paper and said, 'we did not go at your room for clearing stuffs'. I was late to register mahallah. That was the main reason and usually cleaner cleans up rooms during this period of time. I went to ask an Indonesian cleaner who used to work in my block. She replied, ‘ KAKA..TAK TAU’(Fucking bitch... I was scolding her inside my mind not sure why). I came back and said how come you did clean up my room and my HP laptop just in front of your eyes. I asked my Palestine roommate and he said he also does not know. I went to Mahallah office and lady replied,’ brother you should understand this is not 100% Islamic university. Maybe someone stolen your laptop’. I was so shocked and said,’ why did you put the name then. Remove Islamic’. I went to security to lodge a complaint and came back. It has been 10 years. I did not get anything back. Luckily my passport was with me. It was like I had nothing in Malaysia. I lost all my cloths and everything. That’s how I started my journey at iium. My friend from Africa gave me a jubba. It is pure white and it covers soldier to leg. Muslims wear this. I was walking today and I felt like I do not deserve to wear this dress. I am a hypocrite. Yesterday I thought of myself even devil and Abdullah Ibn Ubay would feel ashamed of my hypocrisy. I am being frank to myself at least. I see I through I. Mirror is reflection. That’s how Islamic Sufism describe wahdatul wujud though I do not believe in this LSD stuffs.

ISTAC is a jock. Literally, I went in their program in that campus. This is all about showing off. From dean to students I find they are more hypocritical than I am it seemed…..Hahahaha….Let me explain why this thought came to my mind. They brought a hypocritical scholar from America. He is short and an Arab dude. He wrote a book on epistemological integration. He gave his speech. It was Islamization of knowledge and this is just synonym. IIIT promotes Integration of Knowledge nowadays with major Muslim hypocrite of this century. There is a different version of Integration of knowledge. Like Ziauddin Sarder wrote his books with another 2 none-Muslim American writers. So, this writer dream of secular world where they appreciate every religion including 9/11 Muslims so long, they promise not to bomb anymore. Ziauddin Sarder wants a bit further integration like He will be Muslim but he wants like other two American co-authors. This is old Arab American who wants completely Islamization but in the name of integration. hahahha… They get millions from Arab and others for this project. Now they approve fund with this name because Islamization is considered as fundamentalist project in American context. That's how they do missionary work in western academia. Late Ismail Raji al Faruqi established this. He wrote Christian ethics. I read that book and he became atheist there and prove how Islam is more logical. He showed his smartness to Muslims how to be smart in academia. Fucking bullshit it seems sometimes. Entire project of IOK is based on mere deception but it generates good money for smart intellectuals and their family members education. All the scholarship belongs to their close relative at the first place….not sure why but I think so now.. do not believe me…My minds speak like that way now and it may change later….hahahaha

ISTAC’s new smart hypocrite dean managed to hold all IIIT scholarship to his donkey students. Only his recommendation would be accepted and the other lecturers recommendation are useless shit ( Fuck great old man and his fucking bastard son) .This is so surprising when I went ISTAC. Full of luxury there with no content at students. Most of the students talk what they do not understand. They are craving for scholarship not for knowledge. There are some experts also coming from different background like mechanical and other engineering background and trying to integrate the kalam argument with something engineering shit ( Well, Newton wrote religious shits too but we only care about science of truth not the fucked up dogmas to satisfy belly)…hahaha… They think they are super smart since they have good language competency and a science background. They talk big in the conference showing what is called smartness and full of foods after conference and many foods are extra to throw in Dustbin( come on man enjoy life by the name of Allah, who cares outside ISTAC where Malay girl is being raped and Malay poor boy spending hungry night in the street). There is an international Muslim philosopher as well. They try do same like how Ibn Sina explained floating man concept which has no basis today in psychology. These poor folks get good money and good place to sleep and most important panas nasi lemak and Teh Tarek in the morning. Not bad right? hahahaha

See I am saying all these stuffs because I am a hypocrite (do not listen or trust me. You go and explore). Let me explain why I am saying simply because I did not receive any scholarship for my education when I applied. The funding is limited to this institution. I send email after email being shameless like dogs but no outcome. That’s how I survive in academia in last 10 years. I walk door to door. I work. I ask money from my parents. I am bastard. All went for Hari Raya to celebrate with family. I sit and write at central mosque. I have no god, no family, no religion, no job, no wife, no girlfriend…..hahahah…This is self-made…I have everything lol…. A student submitted his PhD thesis about why I am like that. I said in reply,’ all I care about is survival now. I may quit my PhD anytime since I am mentally unstable brother. This is not about PhD and My parents do not like I stay in Malaysia and this is indeed not necessary for me. I know people would say I change my department from English literature to theology due to funding. Well, I do confess that and maybe my unconscious mind thought this too into consideration and I did not receive any full scholarship in my master. I took money from my mother who sold her side of land and later I worked and I managed some partial scholarship and finished my master. I wasted my parents’ wealth and all they think is I am useless and their money is wasted but I love to hurt them. I am such a bastard I am here for 10 years I rarely send them money when my other friends are sending money while they are working. I want them to suffer with me as I suffer. I hate them. Actually, I hate all the people now. It developed through years. I never knew English word at least first 2 years of coming Malaysia. I faced zakat interview each year. They show pity and asked me to apply for zakat but as soon as I went for interview my PTSD started to develop. Earlier I got bitten in front of 4000 garments workers in Bangladesh due to the fault of supervisor and now I see religious institution how do they behave like dog for money. All dream destroyed and reality is newly defined when it comes to money. With sports cars at same age, in private universities minister’s son are studying and enjoy with drugs but you are struggling for rm300 zakat and you have to listen as if you did the greatest crime by apply zakat and enjoying luxurious life with this rm300 and as if you have wasted their big wealth. They get salary too from endowment fund. How the fuck they dare to treat students like dog. Sometimes I wish if I had nuclear weapon, I would finish off this fucked up so called Islamic hypocrite university. No soul, No excellence. They get sympathy of innocent religious Malays thinking maybe future leaders will evolve from here but they do not realize that the money they send for students by the name of Allah, are given by Dirty Gods who wish to be worshipped like Allah. From top to bottom all are mother fuckers here. Obviously leaders will go out from here but extremely hypocrites leaders with whom the nation will never feel safe. I do doubt that other universities in Malaysia will be much higher in ethics compared to this university. When university take step to be an example for Muslim Ummah, they must make sure the quality of racism free campus. This is fucking among Muslims and they do not maintain racism how the fuck they want to be example for the rest of the world? So funny man hahahahhah…. Wosrt ever visa office, student coming from France hoping to do PhD in Islamic University, he had to go and come and had to deal for 8 months just to get student visa legally. Fucking stupid system. They act like they know all the complicated procedures and these students know nothing and we have to teach them visa procedure instead of PhD degrees. All the useless papers are required each year for visa and these donkeys in the office, ‘brother, where is your face mask? Bring face mask and talk with us. A girl student trying to solve her visa problem for the past 8 months going Putrajaya again and again. Motherfucking cunt sometimes I wish if I could put all the admin staffs of IIUM in doggy positions and ordered students to beat up at their fatty asses with bamboo sticks. That’s all I dreamt sometimes lah…Many are good too lol … hahahaha….

Yesterday one PhD student called me for dinner. I went there. He is working as a government official in Bangladesh. He came from Government. He told me to build up a career soon since I am at 30s. He thinks I am failure since I could not manage any job. I said at last,’ see brother I have my own way. It is not like I did not try. My friends I see some are doing degree for last 8 years. Some finish and work with rm10k per month. Some finished their degree and stay at home for last 4 years. If I compare them, I am at least doing better. I tried to apply and saw only IT professional got job. I regretted saying I should have done minor in IT. Then, I was trying for job and admitted for my master. I learn how to do research. This is the skills I want to develop. I hate doing research but I need to learn these boring skills. I do PhD now and I am getting some partial scholarship so that I can survive at least. I am trying for Western universities. They require research skills. Why would they give 200 k Doller for PhD if we do not have skills. That’s why I wish to develop my research skills. I want to stay in academia. I am unpredictable. I can change my career anytime but that’s how I see my world.’

I came back from that place. Let’s talk about dog. I am like a dog thinks I am not qualified for anything. Did you read a man without qualities? I really do not have any skills. I am fake. I am not qualified for any anything. I am coward deep down inside. I love to run and not to fight with anyone. I went for Shitario Karate, teacher asked to fight with a student. I excused myself for washroom. I returned once the fighting ended. I never went for Karate. I always avoid difficult things. I see my friends got bike accident. In 10 years, I did not learn how to drive but this is essential skills for job. My friends are working. I admitted for once actually when I was working in Damansara. That job required driving. I went to driving school. By the way, I have interesting story there. I used to sit with two Bangladeshi students from Segi University. Both of them got no visa. It was during pandemic. Police came to give rate at rooftop. I went to rooftop one day. The manager is from Myanmar. He looks like Chines and my friend look like Tamil. The way he gave haircut. Both went to jail but Malaysian Immigration and Police are corrupted. Hence, no need to worry for these workers. After all, these workers are not involved with major crimes perhaps. That’s why maybe. Fucking nonsense. This is all about money. World revolves around money. Anyway, Bangladeshi worker said his experience during working. A beautiful Malay girl from Malaysian airlines. He had good friendship with her. One day she was super drunk and Manager asked him to clean up her dress in the washroom. He went inside washroom and cleaned up her. The Malay girl approached her to fuck and not to tell anyone. He fucked that girl one shot and came. All the sports car and Mercedes you would see there. One Utama is the biggest mall. I went to MRT and I entered inside the mall. I was lost. Damansara is really crazy place. I was there for 2 months. I met one man he changes his job for better salary always. I met another Bangladeshi dude who got no visa for 7 years. He said he lost in business in Bangladesh and came to Malaysia and he lives there for 7 years not meeting the family. Some came with tourist visa and work in construction in 30 days. One day my friend told me how he brought his brother-in-law with rm25-30k in tourist visa. He paid agent and the agent had link with embassy people and the worker receive visa. Then, in Bangladesh immigration they have people, police would not ask this 17 years boy anything. He flied to Malaysia. He went to assigned number of gate and Malaysian immigration police see the name and let him go out. There will be an agent standing and meet with this boy and bring him from airport and drop to my friend’s shop. That’s how integration of knowledge works in Muslim countries. Hahahaha…. That Bangladeshi IT officer told the story of a woman minister. Once he went to her house and security told the story how minister’s son fucks different girls and how his mother teaches how to fuck girls. Her mother asked the door to be open so that she can see how her son fucks. The IT officer said that’s how minister maintains ethics with her family member in Bangladesh. I have another secret story to tell but I fear if I tell, that is dangerous. Anyway, let me tell you frankly. Let the fear go and fuck off. I want to die anyway. I met a Bangladeshi worker in Malaysian airport and he finished his 4 standards in school. He said, ‘vai..I have done no injustice with people but I cant control with sex. I have a wife in Bangladesh. I am just 23-year-old now. Last time I went and had sex with 5 different women. In Malaysia, I also slept with prostitutes and so many girls. Will I be forgiven by Allah? I can’t control this and I would continue in future as well. I am 5 fit tall, black man. I smoke a lot. I am clean though. That’s why girls like me perhaps and I do not know English. I wish to learn English. I know Malay fluently as I work. During my job I met a Malay married girl and she had a daughter. I know their family members as I talk with them. Everything is really normal. One day I wanted to quit job and that Malay girl asked me not to quit job and I said I love you. Can I kiss? She said, ‘I am married and it is haram’. I said,’ but I miss you and love you and I do not know why’. We kissed at lift for the first time. That was the beginning, Vai. I never told anyone and I am just informing you vai since you are educated. You know she used to pay me money and we went to hotel and have sex often. I use u mobile one-time sim. I have a code with her. If I use that code and she would use a code back and then we start conversation. I send grab in my name and she will come when her husband goes for work and when her daughter goes for school. One day we both caught by police and I paid rm400 and police let us go but he had picture. I know this police man would perhaps blackmail my Malay girlfriend and fuck her. This Malay girl told me that she doubts her husband had relationships with other girls too from some evidences but she keeps silent on this topic. We continued that relationship while I had one Indonesian girl friend and I used to sleep with her too. One time I had to manage both in one day. I finished with Malay girl first then I go with Indonesian saying I go out for a while. I brought my Indonesian girlfriend in one hotel and Tamil Malaysian said that only one room is left. I asked why full? That Tamil man replied,’ Malaysia is corrupted place ethically brother. This is nearby private universities and many police men come and sleep with different girls each night.’. ‘Do not they have wives at their family?’, I asked. ‘They do have but their family know they are on duty’. Sex is commodity is KL vai. You have money, you are welcome to the world of sex here. You can get any country girl you want and if you speak Malay and good at convincing. Get number and go for KFC and hotel. That’s how workers spend their weekend. City of Hedonism vai. I had a Bangladeshi girlfriend too here and Malay manager also proposed her and slept with her during weekend. I had to manage other days. Later, the girl do sex randomly for money as she has been used to with all these modern drama.”

I tried to change the topic and asked that Bangladeshi worker, ‘how you guys send money?’. ‘I send money through agent (Money laundering) . It is so complicated if I send money through legal way. Hence, most of them send money through agent and we get good rate well compared to bank. It is like I gave them money and they sell to students with high rate and he has agent in Bangladesh and they have money there. Hence, they send the amount to my family’s Bikas mobile banking number or bank number that I provide. That’s how Bangladesh and Malaysian government losing perhaps billions of rm or taka. There are some areas in Kelang. These are factories and they cannot come to KL. So, agents got contact with them and these agents buy their rm with less price and later he can sell to students and other bodies with high price because if these students bring money from home it costs a lot compared to they get from these agents. That’s how money laundering works. Bangladesh government took steps to give discount but it does not work because these agents are really smart to make fool these uneducated workers. He returned to Bangladesh. I was shocked to hear how he portrayed the picture of a modern Muslim society.

I am an unqualified bastard. Do not bother with me. I do not mind if anyone kills me. I welcome all to finish off my life, but I would never ever commit suicide because Albert Camus said our very existence is the rebel against the universe. The Sex is illusion, The beauty is illusion, The God is illusion. These are absurdities. We realize sex only after we have done it. We realize beauty only after we experienced it, God is the immortality concept that we desire for our own life. These all are fake. I am not saying this this is my mind speaks sometimes but I am a Muslim. Hahahah…Beauty is mystery only when we see and suddenly it is no more. We feel it only when it comes to beautiful girl or beautiful mind you meet and suddenly, they go off. Then, mental illusion is born within our brain. That’s how pessimism was created. Schopenhauer created his pessimism perhaps when he saw his mother is fucking with someone. In reality, come on man let her have sex since her husband is dead. Cause and effect. This is natural. Nietzsche embraced pessimism when he got 3 times rejection from his student, but he took positivist approach later maybe because of he is teacher and thought he can overcome from it. His friend was fucking her student. Some jealousness may work but he recovers that too by his own approach.

Truth is trash…hahahaha…Funny thing happened yesterday. You know Obaidul Qader? He accused Mirza Fakhrul as a pathological liar. When you are on lies for too long, that lies turned into truth and when you speak truth for too long, that truth turns into lie. Truth is illusion at the first place. There is nothing called truth or falsehood. For your survival whatever you do that is truth. Nothing wrong is there so long you compete and win and survive. World bank appreciated Bangladesh. That seemed to me they are also pump provider. They really do not care what is behind the scene. So long the presentation is good. That’s fine. World is based on presentation now. Nobody really cares what is behind the parda. Look at Cinema Hall. All they care about good movie show. Nothing matters apart from that. Let the corruption spread. Let the falsehood win….hahahaha

You read Ali Dasti’s book on Muhammad? A man was announced to be killed when he claimed that Muhammad made up the Quran by himself. What the writer said is this man used to write Quran and there was one verse and Muhammad asked him to add that line. Based on this experience he said Muhammad made up Quran. He got scared and said he would again be Muslim to save his life. So, Quran became truth, right? In one conference, a man asked why Muhammad asked to drown flyer completely inside food? This is not scientific. I asked my friend and he replied it was against culture of Arab. Muhammad did cultural protest. Hahaha…. What is truth here? Muhammad just did not like his culture. That’s why he wanted to promote his new culture? God comes down every night? Day and night revolve across the world. How do you explain? Well, we have modern interpretation of scholars. Are not all fatwas based on human minds? Hahahahah

I am a Muslim student by the way till my death. I will face Allah on the day of judgement.

During this Covid when Malaysian Government announced one thing based on real fact. I made my mind fill up with irrationality. Suddenly I felt God of Muhammad for racist Malays and Arabs. If Allah really exists, if even a single racist Malay or Arab enters, I have no time to enter that paradise. Actually, this thought came in mind because one Muslim sheikh was telling that even a slight ego exists within ourselves, we can not enter in paradise. I hate politics based on religion because most of the time they justified their stance by the name of religion. When we get any decision based on religion, we do not see that this is human-made decision rather we see God we gave this decision. So, when I get insulted in IIUM zakat, I do not see rude behaviors of these staffs rather inside my mind I see it is Islam what taught them to behave like that with poor people. We see religion is only for capitalist motherfuckers. It is wrong for us to dream ideal world when it comes to religion but Afterall God itself is ideal state of every human mind. We do not mind thousands of injustices if we do not involve any god activities but as soon as we bring religion and do injustice with someone. The person immediately associate God being unjust and tend to lose faith.

I live in this university 10 years and I grew up in a religious institution and I learn things closely. I am still learning but that’s how we shape our world. It is ok if I die as a hypocrite but I expect at least you be sincere with Islam and give your best. Do not worry about myself. I am fine at the street and I probably live in street the rest of my life. Call me atheist, Muslim, bastard, hypocrites whatever you want. Let me lead my life till my death. I am useless and I do not want to be useful any longer. Shams lived in street. Rumi, the great master lived in street. I am not Sufi but I can live in street too. One man does not matter for universe. Universe grab and embraced billion of people in its earth. I, Bipu, is insignificant to this planet anyway. I love Allah and I love Muhammad despite. That’s my love even though I feel that Allah is illusion but that’s my love and I would die with that favorite name. Even if Muhammad lied about the existence of Allah, this is the best benevolent lie that I would love to hold till my last breath. AI century is on our way, we might not have room for Allah in upcoming centuries but you can still die with that last pessimistic greatest lie. I want to end my writing today and it is raining outside now. I give you some positive vibes before I go to pray two rakat Solat at this UIA central mosque. It is like the novel ‘Brave New World’ Here it is:

Alas! If I had a positive God!!!! 😊 smile please …hahahaha