The Silent Killer

"Sir, you've faced some really tough times in life. Can you shed some light on that aspect of your life?"

"Uh!! It's really difficult to put it into words, but I'll, I'll try. I don't even know where to start. Mere words aren't enough to even begin to describe this affliction. It's crippling. It destroys you, it destroys your core. It eats you up, piece by piece. That's what it did to me.

It was just another Monday morning. The psychiatrist sat in front of me and said 3 words - MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER. I just sat there, looking down, staring at the floor. No emotion. No reaction. Hell, even I knew something was wrong with me. The doctor just gave it a name. But a very important name.

People tend to disregard depression. They'll tell you to get over yourself, they'll tell you to ignore your problems. They'll try to cheer you up in their own way. Maybe a movie, a few jokes. They don't know that the person is sick. They don't know that depression is a sickness. I'm not sad because I'm being a slob. I'm sad because I'm sick. The sadness is my sickness.

I didn't realize at first what was happening. Nobody does. It is a slow killer.

It felt like, it was just so irritating. Like, so much of frustration, just building up inside me. I didn't like talking to people. I felt better when alone. In retrospect, it's kinda funny. I wanted to be alone, and I simply pushed people away. The funny part is, I didn't realize at the time that I was doing that. I developed a temper. I would get angry at the smallest and inconsequential things. I would take it out on the people around me.

You see, people have a limit to their patience. I had already lost mine, but my colleagues, my friends, my family were also losing theirs. I got into a lot of fights, and people cared less and less about me. There was a time when I was a good worker. I put in the hours and I reaped results. I lost my efficiency. My work didn't interest me anymore. It felt taxing. I would question everything I did. I would question the quality of my work, I would question the need for what I did. I felt useless. Everything I did, everything I said, it felt useless. I used to go like, "What's the point? Leave it be." You can say, I adopted a nihilistic attitude towards life.

Gradually, I realized that I'm lonely and deserted. Naturally, I assumed that something was wrong with me. I was a bad person. Heh, it's amusing how depression coaxes you into believing that you are a bad person, there is something wrong inside you. It makes you believe that you are a damaged person, you don't deserve the good things life has to offer. It is a sly fox.

Well, I was afraid now. I knew something is wrong with me. Whom should I tell? How can I approach anyone? I was the one who told people to stay away from me. Looking at people laughing and enjoying, I felt worse and worse. Previously I didn't care what people thought of me. It never entered my mind. And now, I was conscious of myself, every single moment of the day. I felt small and petite. I felt shoddy about myself. Everyone looked at me with contempt and it scared me more. There was a time when I was an extrovert. The center of every conversation, the focus of every group. Now, I cringed at the thought of speaking to anyone. My vocal cords refused to move, my eyes refused to look up, my hands - jammed to the side of my torso. I had officially given up to the monster, called Depression.

It had stripped me of my confidence.

It had stripped me of my personality.

It had stripped me of my self.

Depression has psychological effects. Yes. But along with that, it expresses itself with somatic effects as well. Your body refuses to move. It makes you lethargic, lazy and lax. The effort required to get out of bed in the morning is huge. Mammoth. It takes a toll on your agility, your reflexes. Eyes drooping, slow movements, incoherent responses. You are slowing down but it feels as if the world around has suddenly picked up the pace. Everything and everyone is moving so fast, you can't make sense of it. You feel like you are getting left behind.

Emotions were playing hide and seek with my limbic system. I didn't know what I was feeling. Was it Anger? Frustration? Irritation? Sadness? Envy? Hatred? Fear? Or was it lack of any emotions at all? Anhedonia. I was reaching a point where my strength was failing me. I could not keep up with the burden of this sickness. This huge weight, bearing down on my shoulders, tugging and pulling at me from behind.

Ever felt like going to some lonely, deserted place and just shouting at the top of your voice? Letting out all the demons, all that negative energy you are harboring inside into the entropy of this universe? I did. That was the only way I could express myself.

So how did I get out of this cauldron? A good friend introduced me to the psychiatrist I mentioned above. Months of anti-depressants, counseling and interpersonal communication later, I was back on track. The journey is not easy. You are up against all odds. The monster is always lurking around, looking for a way in. One breaking point, one single turn of events and you are back in the clutches of the devil. It takes time, it takes effort, and most importantly, it takes belief to break free.

But that's not it.

Depression had brought me to a point where I could see no way back. Before the medications and all the therapy, I had lost all hope. And I could only think of one solution to put myself out of this misery.

Death. But even death is not so easy to come by. You can't trust death.

I Hoped to live, but Death buried me alive, with glee.

I Hoped to die, but Death betrayed me, just to flee.