The Untold Fondness

An excerpt on love: fictitious yet something real that anyone can relate to.

Love is painful. Like Sayed Arshad once said, "Falling in love is like holding a candle. Initially it would lighten up the world around you. Then it starts melting and hurts you. Finally it goes off and everything is darker than ever and all you are left with is the burn." The pain of the burn is worse when the candle which caused it is unaware of the harm it has inflicted upon us. 

I'm not going to use fancy words and preach on love and wonders it brings or the sufferings one goes through when in love. What I want to talk about is how love affected me. An unrequited love. A love that still makes my heart race at the mere mention of his name. My deepest wound that has yet to heal, still the very one that always brings forth the sweetest and most cherished memories of my youth.

He was in my class. Sat in front of me. Taller than me, he always seemed to tower over me when we stood next to each other. His hair straight and black like ink and long enough to cover his eyes, which he always sweeps back with his hands. His eyes dark like the obsidian were my favorite, something I always wanted to sink into. His long face always had a smirk that would make one itch to wipe it off. 

My writing may have made you all think that he was somewhat of a cool kid and that he and I were very good friends. But let me tell you that it is all noting but a misunderstanding. If you ask me, his looks were average, and his personality was even less. He was one of the naughtier ones in class. We were always bickering and not talking. Whenever I said something, he just had to oppose it. And I wouldn't stand there hearing his banter. If you want to argue, come at me. I'll make sure that we'll go all the way. But somewhere between all these quarrelling and fighting, we grew close. Although we mostly quarrel, we also started talking. I observed him. Creepy, I know! But I was curious.

With many things happening, I started seeing new sides of him. We became good friends. But I knew that I was just many of his friends. He had many more people who were closer to him than me. I don't know why, but I felt sad that I couldn't be what they were to him. I wanted to be his confidante, someone he could trust and rely on. But we were not much, and that was a harsh truth that brought me back to reality from all the daydreams I had of us.

I hadn't yet realized what it was that I was feeling, but one thing I knew for sure was that it was not good. Time passed, we reached our final school year. He and I became pretty good friends. I was pretty happy those days. School days were the best. With friends who stand together most of the time, it is bound to be a period that you would always remember. Being the magazine editor and with the board exams nearing, I had so much on my plate. I had no time to spare about other thoughts. Still one sentence was all it took to send my whole body trembling. "He has got a girlfriend…his girl…" My thoughts went haywire, and the sound of my heart cracking was something that made me realize that I fell too deep. Too deep into the whirlpool of pain and heartache.

But what could I do? Feelings come like unannounced waves that form tsunamis…there's no stopping it. You have to accept it and move on with life acting like nothing is wrong, when literally everything is screaming hell. That's how I felt. Burned by the fire, paining like all my bones were broken. But it was my heart that was shattering. Emotions overflowed in me. I was overwhelmed and desperate to let it all out. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't find an outlet to vent my feelings and let it out. I couldn't even cry and free my tears that filled till the brink of my eyes, for Iwas busy pretending that it was all fine and showing how carefree I was. If I didn't know myself better, I might think that I was bipolar. It affected me so much that I almost failed the first half of my final year. I became listless. While I was physically present here, my mind would go wandering thinking of times that we spent together…replaying it like a broken tape recorder again and again and reminding myself that I became a fool. A fool to fall into something that never promised a happy ending nor a decent return.

But I had to get a hold of myself. Or else I would be putting my whole future at stake. And rationally, that would be so not worth it. I had to bury deep in me whatever feelings I had. That was a big mistake. Now I understand. I should have taken it and thrown it and not keep it within me. but that that's what I did. I put on a mask that revealed none of my true emotions. Everyone only saw what I showed them. I learned to act what I wanted others to see and I didn't want. 

Years went by. People changed. I changed. He changed. Now I'm in college. He's also studying elsewhere. But I still often think of him. Not often…almost every day, every hour. Because that'swhat he did. He contacted me again. Made me feel like he cared for me. Asked of my wellbeing. He made me dig out whatever I buried and showed me that I was an idiot incapable of falling in love with someone else. That I, for the longest period of time was, is and will be in love with him.

This is what love has done to me. It has scarred me and wound my poor heart by stabbing it bit by bit. Made me afraid of committing to any sort of relationship, even simple friendship. Maybe if I told him and got my share of rejection, I would've given up and tried to move on. But I didn't. I was a stupid to keep it all to myself and not deter him of his happiness. In the end I became the one that was hurt. The one that was burned by the candle, unknown to the one who is cause of it. If ever I have a chance all I would like to say to him would be...

"Once upon a time…

I met a boy,

For him my heart raced

For him I lost my sleep

For him my mind played me,

I was hopeless…

Not anymore

For all is gone 

And all that is left is

mere respect for him,

He who taught me love,

And now I love…

No one but me.

My beauty and

Intellect…my whole

Thank you"