This Is Me Fighting For My Heart And His

This is me learning to say no to other people and their needs or wants. This is me saying no he things that drain me, no to the people who suck the energy out of me. No to the things that no longer serve me and no to the person I used to be, the person that I wasn’t so proud of that sometimes comes creeping back in. This is me refusing to go back to my old self-destructive ways. If self-love and care come with a price, then I’m willing to pay whatever it takes to heal.

This is me kissing the past goodbye. This is me leaving some of the baggage behind and learning how to forgive myself. The burdens that I carried for too long, the fears that haunt me with every new exciting opportunity and the voices inside my head that cripple me from finding joy. This is me kissing them all goodbye and trying to start over. Trying to learn that the past doesn’t always repeat itself, that I’ve grown and learned and evolved so I can trust myself to make better decisions. This is me slowly learning to trust myself again. This is me learning to trust the universe no matter how many times it deluded me. This is me learning how to have faith again that the stars will eventually align and timing will finally be on my side.

This is me making peace with my own broken heart. This is me learning how to follow my heart as well, because nobody ever taught me or told me how to do that kind of a thing. Perhaps I have just been way too damn hard on on myself, because of what other people and just life in general has put me through. Maybe I despised my heart for the longest time for being so naive, so weak or foolish and maybe my heart is still all of those things. However, my heart is my own and it moves and it beat for a reason and my heart has learned something very important from every single heartbreak, every single wrong fall and from every single poor choice that I have made here lately. 

This is me giving my heart a chance for once, because I believe that there is a good chance that might actually just be worth it one day if I do. Most importantly, if I can heal myself even just a little bit, I am hoping that it will eventually bring me closer to the heart that is currently beating next to my own, which also seems to so often be my one and only compass. The heart that is beating so close to my own heartbeat is my love, my passion and it is also what truly brings me happiness at the end of the day. How could I have ever hurt it and how could I ever want to give up on something that brings me such joy? How can I live and be happy if we are not able to live life together? 

This is me healing myself and that does not necessarily mean there will not be any bad days, heartbreaks or failures ans it does not mean that I have finally found the hidden secret to happiness or even the cure to heartache. What it does mean, however, is that I am doing my personal best in an attempt to emotionally 'starting over' to believing in things and also in other people. Healing myself also means that I am learning how to truly love another human being and I am fighting my own battles within so that I can not only trust another person but so that another person might be able to trust me as well. I am so exhausted with allowing every single painful experience that I have had in my life, prevent me from actually living and also just being.

 

This is me healing myself from all of the ways that I have somehow ruined myself up to this point, because recently I have learned that sometimes we just have to destroy every single thing and sometimes we might have to even lose ourselves, before we can ever begin to eventually really heal and to also find ones self again.