This Too Shall Pass!

So i think it became necessary to let people know what i want and how i want to be treated. A friend told me once that it's necessary to be vocal when it comes to your comfort and your mental peace. But i didn't care much until now.

You won't believe but there was a time when i literally begged people to stay in my life because i used to think that i can't live without them. It's only after their departure when i realised it's no true. We live anyways. Even if something's die inside, we live. So yeah, now I'm not gonna beg anyone. I'm not gonna explain myself to anyone (doing it for the last time because it's needed). I'm not gonna ask them to stay. People expect me to be the same always (even when they change). They expect me to put same efforts forever (even when they don't). They stop sharing their heart out for this reason that i don't share mine (athough they know that i never did in the first place). And the irony is, they do such things even after knowing what has happened to me, what trauma I've had in the past. They tell me that I'm changed. They say, "But you used to do this and that earlier." And i am like, "Yes, I did but it doesn't mean that I'm bound to do it always". I never asked you to do the same so just stop telling me what i should do and what not. Also, I can't keep doing it forever because after some days, it gets obvious, it becomes ordinary. And damn! I don't like it. I don't like my things to be ordinary. I start to get annoyed over little things because little things matter to me. I literally don't like to be at a place where I feel unwanted. I start cutting off myself when i feel ignored. And let me tell you i don't do it when it happens to me once or twice but when series of such actions take place. So, if you think I'm acting differently, it might be because you acted differently over things i didn't expect. I don't seek for help so soon. You know, I choose to deal with my shit on my own (as most people do) but when i came to you and asked for your help, you might have invalidated my pain, you might have told me that my sufferings are less painful than yours and may be that's where you lost a bit of me.

I don't cry in front of people but when I cried in front of you, you might have told me not to and may be that's why i could never cry in front of you again. On days, when I was feeling low, you might have told me that i should be happy at least when I'm with you and may be that's why I lost my faith in you. On days, when i expected you'd support me, you might have told me that i make excuses. When I had told you about the person i lost as a friend, you might have told me that i should forget the past. You might have told me to move on from it when you already know i can't, I can never. It's a part of my life. Do you ever want me to forget you too if we get apart? Clearly not!

What I'm trying to say is that it's not only me. Do not expect. Accept whatever i do for you (if i do). Stop telling me that earlier i used to do it differently. Know that there's always a boundary. Do not cross it. Let me decide what I have to do (because that's how it works). If you want to talk, call me, text me. Don't wait for me to do. And if you are in this bond only because of my efforts, it might hurt you (because sometimes i really don't want to make any). This is for one and all. So if you find it relatable, you're one of the reason. It may seem as a warning but it's not. I'm just being vocal. I don't like certain things. I got hurt for 'n' number of times. You made me compromise my self respect for quite a lot times. So, it's not because of one weird action of one person. It's because of different actions of different people. Because I'm made up of you all so you all made me what I'm today. You might have done that unintentionally but you shouldn't have when you already knew that i did not had an easy past. Now I'm not involving more because more involvement leads to attachment, attachments lead us to expectations, expectations when not fulfilled, lead us to destruction and destruction lead us to the labyrinth of nowhere.

So I'm not gonna stuck in this labyrinth. Because i would never know how to come out of it. And nobody would be there to hold my hand as people adore only smiles.

So, if i got attached to you, I'm sorry. It happened only because i forgot how i dealt with it in the past. Trust me, it was hard. Well for now, I'm seeking detachment. People often confuse detachment with unloving but these terms are totally different from each other. It might be possible that you love something but you're not attached to it or you're attached to something but you're not in love with it. So yeah, i wouldn't stop loving but now i would do that on my own terms, on days when i feel like doing. Don't mind but i would not do anything that would force me to live with a fear of losing.

Still after all this, i can make you sure, I'd be there whenever you need me. You'd always have my shoulder to cry upon. I wouldn't invalidate your pain. I'd never make you to compromise with your self respect because i wouldn't complain, I'd always accept you just the way you are, I'd never tell you that you're not same anymore because i understand that nobody stays the same forever. If i know your 'loving a lot' phase, I'd understand your 'not loving at all' phase too because on some days, you may love less. You may not show but it wouldn't be like you don't love. I understand. I am not saying that you will never give one but i wouldn't ask for any explanation. I'd never mind if you wouldn't make any effort for me because I've never asked for one. Even if i have so many people in my life, I'd never make you feel that You are not enough. And even if we part our ways, i wouldn't remember you for the wrongs you did.

I'm writing this with a heavy heart - Stay if you like, leave if you want. Heavy because losing someone was never easy for me. Still, i can't hurt people. I can't give false hopes that it will be alright when i know it wouldn't be because I've become something else. I don't know how to grieve over a loss or how to celebrate happiness. So, losing is still better than hurting people. Because you will expect and i wouldn't be able to fulfil it. Because you'll get hurt and you'll not stop blaming me.