Twinkle

“Ruchi, we are all done…it is too late.! Now, you go and take rest, so that you should look fresh tomorrow morning, during the lunch of your book…!”-Ruchi looked at the clock, after hearing this from Albert... it was 11:25PM, she closed the book, after realizing the time, packed up quickly and left the hall, after informing Albert that tomorrow morning at sharp 9Am, she would be available in the hall.

Why, she did not know…still she was not able to convince herself that she was doing right….there was only a gap of hardly 8 hours…every moment of this 8 hours was passing like a day… this 8 hours will be a decisive turning point in her life….still she had time…she could have reverted everything….still she had time to inform about the cancellation of the event that was going to happen after 8 hours…so that some unwanted situations can be avoided and she could live a tension free life….Oh, really…she was not able to manage herself…each moment heart beat was increasing, hands were shaking, she was not able to hold the car steering properly, lips were getting dried up….She quickly parked her car, as soon as she arrived in her apartment, could not wait for the lift to come, ran to the third floor, opened the door of her house, rushed towards her bed, covered up herself with the blanket from top to bottom and now she felt relaxed and told herself… “Now I am safe… I don’t want to publish my book…”- she dialled to her father to tell this, but it was almost 12:30 am, her father didn’t respond to her call as he keeps the phone in silent mode while he sleeps….She got up to write it down in her diary, so that she would feel better that at least she was able to express her emotion to someone…Yes, she really needs this, because since last few years, writing has become her best friend, this is the only way to express herself and she feels very relaxed once she writes up whatever is bothering her for the moment…

She started writing….

“I don’t want to publish my first technical book: Machine Learning 101, because I don’t want to get rejected once again….who will read my book, when there are so many knowledgeable books are available in the market written by famous Mathematicians, Statisticians and Data Scientists, which were the result of their life time hard work…where is my stand in front of them…I have no network , who will market my book… it will be again another failure…and I will go back to depression once again…” -she was not able to convince herself how to handle this situation.

“I was married you only because of your money, if you cannot support me financially, then I have no interest in a thing who does not have anything to make me happy…”- suddenly this sentence started echoing in her ears and mind….

She suddenly got up from her chair and came out to the balcony to enjoy the fresh moonlight of the full moon…Whenever this happens she just comes out and do something else to divert herself from that… Moon is her all time friend…she loves her a lot…Talking with the Moon is another encouraging experience for her…!

Oh moon

The friend of mine

In my dark mood you shine

In my lone place you are present

To accompany me in my yearning

Your presence I feel the comfort

A good buddy of mine

Thanks a lot pal

Oh moon

“I have to live… I have to live my life of my own way…I will never lose so easily…Could not realise how I wasted 30 years of my life by living as per other’s wish…. I never lived my life of my choice…how can I accept defeat so soon…I have to fight… I have to fight with myself to get that confidence to live my life of my choice…no one is having right to make me to live as per their wish…But how…? How can I get that confidence…. I don’t have anything…. I have become useless for everyone…. Everyone has rejected me….Is there any single thing, which will encourage me to live my life…? Now, to die is lesser evil for me than to live….But I don’t want to get die…What to do…who is there to show me a ray of life which can motivate me to live…! I have to motivate myself with challenges. That's how I can know I am still alive. In order to get that confidence…I have to do something which will defeat all of my fear, so that I will get confidence to live…what is that….that must be something which I scare the most….something the scariest even more than death…! What do I scare the most…? Yes, being an introvert, I hardly mingle up in a crowd, I feel safe within myself and enjoy my own company a lot….i have to come out from that and have to mingle with strangers…but why strangers will accept my company…. I am not that much smart or have impressive personality….In fact strangers should listen to me and if someone likes my conversation, then I can be her friend…! Yes, Public Speaking is the best way for me to get the confidence….She remembered the quote by Jerry Seinfeld: “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is Public Speaking, number two is the death, this means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you are better off in the casket, than in eulogy…” Yes, she has to win in the Public Speaking to get that confidence, because she cannot die….But, how is this possible….Yes, she has to join Toastmaster Club….”-all these moments came to her mind back to back, while sitting under the moonlight….

She sat back in the swing…still she remembered those days…she was not able to get the courage to go to the podium to face the crowd of only 30 members of the toastmaster club…each time she was saying herself “no, today I will go or else I cannot live tomorrow”, but each time she was not getting courage to get up from her seat… as neither she had ever participated any debate competition during her school days nor she is enough smart that audience would like her appearance….Audience would laugh at her by listening her regional ascent…it was already thrice when she could not go to the podium…then how come she will get the confidence to live her life…each moment would be passing living like a dead body…she started rejecting herself…”If I would quit giving myself my support, then no-one is there to support me…I have to do…Yes, I have to come first in the coming contest….”-she told herself and picked up her phone to have a talk with the President of the club to know about the rule of this contest….

”Ruchi, the minimum criteria of contesting is to qualify the first six levels of the Prepared Speech category and you have never faced the audience even for a minute, then you can never participate in this contest…”- I got disappointed by listening this from Priya.

But I didn’t lose the hope…started convincing her…

 “Priya, you know about my life…. just give me one chance… I am promising you that I will definitely secure a position…or else I will lose my confidence to live my life….”-she told desperately…

“And what will happen if you cannot speak even a word in front of nine hundreds of audience… have you ever thought about it…you will again feel the same dejection….you will become more disheartened… you will go into a trauma from where it will be very difficult for you to come out….there are total ten contestants who are contesting there after winning in Division level, after winning in respective Area level, after winning in respective their clubs…So, District level contest is the fourth and the final level of contest that happens in a Toastmaster Contest season….and do you know every contestant is having at least twelve years of experience in Public Speaking… Most of them are International level speakers…. They are having American ascent….Where do you stand in front of them, Ruchi….? It will be a drastic disgrace if we allow you to participate in that contest and what to reply others…. You have not even delivered a single prepared speech…”-Priya reminded her about all these consequences…

”Priya, I am promising you that I will face the hundreds of crowd and speak for seven and half minutes, giving my best…please allow me to participate in the contest….”-I had pleaded in front of Priya.

“Let me talk with the District Director and if he permits, then only it can be possible, but I am telling you upfront that this can never be accepted as this is violating the rules of Toastmaster Organisation…”-Priya replied and dropped off the call….

Ruchi had to wait for 2 more days and each moment was pushing herself towards her death, as she was not having any hope to live her life….

“Ruchi…a good news….Albert has permitted that you can participate in the contest…Be prepare well… all the best…see you in the contest…!”-Ruchi was not able to control herself as she was bursting out of happiness after hearing this from Priya…

“I have to secure a rank….”-Ruchi told herself and started preparing each moment to face that special day, the special stage, the special audience, the special designation of Toastmaster and the special moment…She made her day and night a single to prepare a good script- the script of her own challenging situation with appropriate ethos…, practising the speech a lot with heartfelt pathos … and concluding the speech with acceptable logos…! I had to deliver the speech with the appropriate body language, with enough information from various sources and it should be inspiring. I felt courage is the absence of fear, mastery of fear but not absence of fear…! I reminded myself the quote by Mahatma Gandhi: “My shyness has been my shield and buckler. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth." I started motivating myself by saying that speech will be my power: speech is to persuade, to convert, to compel myself.

On the day of contest, I had to wait till end of the contest, as my name was in the last among the contestant’s list… each moment, my heartbeat was increasing….I started feeling like she was not able to remember my speech….my lips were getting dried…I cannot face the crowd…how is everyone speaking so smoothly…I even cannot go to the stage…! But still, I was waiting, as I couldnot get up and come out from the session in the middle of this….

“I would like to invite the next and the last contestant of this season’s contest to the stage….(after a pause)Toastmaster Ruchi….My Rebirth….My Rebirth….Toastmaster Ruchi…..”- I suddenly got up from my seat after hearing this announcement and rushed towards the stage….

Frankly speaking, I have not remembered what happened during that seven minutes and twenty four seconds of duration, during my presence in the stage…everything was blank in front of me….and I had to express myself in front of the huge audience of size more than nine hundreds… I had to utilise the first and the most valuable opportunity of life ever… to express all of my strengths, dreams and achievements…The stage was all mine…all the unexpressed emotions which were restricted within myself till these many years had come out bursting myself…Don’t know… after the speech…I ran to the rest room to make myself come back to my actual form….

“And……and……The winner is……the winner is…..(after a pause) Toastmaster Ruchi for her speech ‘My Rebirth’….”

“Yes, the first time contestant or it will be appropriate if I say that she is the Toastmaster who has faced the Podium first time in her life….The winner is Toastmaster Ruchi for her speech ‘My Rebirth’…. I would like to request Toastmaster Ruchi to come to the stage….”

“Toastmaster Ruchi…where are you….The winner is Toastmaster Ruchi for her speech ‘My Rebirth’….”-I suddenly rushed out from the rest room, after hearing the announcement for this time…

“Am I listening the correct…”- I could not believe myself and stood for a second near the last row of the audience…

“Toastmaster Ruchi….the winner of the Prepared Speech contest-Q4, 2016, for Division D”-this time I realized what I had heard was correct and ran towards the stage…Hall was getting louder and louder by the clapping sound of the audience….!

I had got all the confidence to shake the hand with the Division Director Toastmaster Albert and definitely ‘Yes’ to live my life….

That seven minutes and twenty four seconds of time, which I could not remember, had changed my life from nothing to everything….I had owned the trophy…the biggest trophy that I had ever own in my life, by holding which in my hands I felt that I had owned the battle to live my life… I realized that only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness we will discover the infinite power of our light. The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s my fear of the dark that casts my joy into the shadows.

During the lunch break, Toastmaster Albert came to me, congratulated personally and asked me ”Are you that Ruchi, who used to write technical blogs in linkedin, working as a Product Manager in Healthcare domain…?”

I said “Yes” with confidence….

“You are a great blogger and today I heard your speech…you have the potential to become a good consultant….if you dont mind…I am giving you a proposal, please take your own time, think over it and let me know your decision….the proposal is to join with me in my start-up company where we have to give corporate trainings in Machine Learning and Data Analytics, that you can continue in your free time, while continuing your primary job……”-Toastmaster Albert told.

Without any delay I said, “I will join with you…”.

“Thank you, Toastmaster Ruchi, I will let you know what to do next….” -Toastmaster Albert told and left the place.

This winning had made my life green….Toastmaster Ruchi who was rejected by many just few minutes back became the role model and spirit of motivation for many…started becoming a well known name among the toastmasters, I started appearing all the contests back to back and also started my Prepared Speech level 1.

During the further discussion with Albert, I summarised that I had to write down lots of technical and business blogs related to Machine Learning and Data Analytics, have to design a systematic learning program meant from beginner to expertise level …. I made my day and night a single to get all these done….but, again a failure….readers were not taking much interests in my blogs…Hardly, I was taking one or two hits on ‘Like’ button after the hard work of three or four days….I was not getting sleep even after ten hours of hectic work schedule in office, doing all the household work, the most hectic was travel in Bangalore traffic, because the dream of becoming a successful trainer had taken my sleep from my eyes….

“Ruchi, you have to work hard…to make the readers read your blogs…your blog should be unique in the area in which you are writing blog….You have to conduct corporate trainings, you have to prove yourself that you are the Machine Learning and Data Analytics expert…Universities and Institutes should refer your blogs to their students….and this will never come within a month….it will take years of hard work….I want to see you as the second Brene Brown, who says “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness”-this line you should never forget in your life….I promise you that I will make you to publish your own book on Machine Learning and Data Analytics, once your blogs gets prescribed by the top University of the Country ”-Albert had always encouraged me.

The Moon was looking very beautiful…. I love you, my Moon…. 😊

That moment had come today after three and half years of hard work….

My book is going to get launched tomorrow and the famous technical publisher O’Reilly is the publisher of my book…what else can be more prestigious for me…!

Why again I am trying to get escaped from this moment… What am I scared so much….Is it because my book may not be accepted so widely…if it was the case, then why so many students refer my blogs….!

I will get good sales of my book…. Just I have to face the moment bravely….this is the matter of just 24 hours….within which I will come to know whether I have become successful or ….cannot say…unsuccessful…just can say that I have to put much effort for my next….then why to worry….who know this 24 hours may change my life…like the way that ‘seven minutes and twenty four seconds’ had changed my life….! Hoping for the best…Go and Sleep, so that tomorrow morning you should look fresh….! And will start a new life…

In order to live our dream life we have to come out from the average middle-class life style, where people talk about only daily life, they don’t have vision beyond it, which always forces us to follow a predefined rules, lifestyles and a set of restrictions. During the tea break in office or in some occasional gathering in my society, I always used to listen from ladies about the trending dress designs or weekend entertainment plans or getting new furniture to the house or any foreign trip....beyond that i did never have explored anything from them and after sometime i realized that most of them try to accomplish all these physical happiness by following something which never makes them happy, but they love to follow because that physical happiness gives them a position in the society. there are very few people who try to come out from that pre-defined life style and do something different on their own which gives them the utter happiness. And this kind of spiritual achievement will never go out from them because they have achieved them on their own efforts...which makes them more and more strong. Then crowd will start following them, it may take time because nothing can be achievable so quickly if you are doing something different on your own efforts, and once that is achieved no need for you to run behind anyone.... Spiritual happiness is the ultimate goal of a person's life, and its depends on the individual's perspective on what gets them those spiritual happiness..if we see we are surrounded by 99% of these kinds of people, who always drags us back if we want to do something different and that time we get confused by thinking that is my decision correct....It may take time to convince yourself....but if you put effort, then that is definitely possible oneday. I love baby elephants, I used to spend time with them in Bandipur Elephants' Sanctuary, where a learn to bit myself by seeing a new born baby stands herself within 30 to 45 minutes of her birth and in a real forest, where she never gets any privileged of air-conditioned room, have to walk a long distance along with her herd, crossing the dense forests and rivers, sleeps in the cold nights with a danger of wild animals such as lions, tigers and wild dogs.... in other side, we human kids get all the carings to become a self identified individuals, but do we become self identified....?We have to become a self identified individuals on our won by doing something which makes us happy, then only we will be able to achieve our desired success to the full extent....if we are not motivated enough or we are not doing the thing with our wish or happiness, we cannot achieve it and also we can never be happy....it might be taking care of unprivileged orphan kids or senior citizens or adopting an animal in the Sanctury, but it should be what we like....then only it will bring the utter spiritual happiness....!