Anamika

It already has been three years now. She did what she promised, she never came back or contacted me again. I still remember her last words; that habit of hers repeating the same sentence again and again. 

"Main itni buri nahi hun" (I'm not that bad)

"Main itni buri nahi hu" (I'm not that bad)

"Mai waisi nahi hu jaise tum samajhte ho" (I'm not like the you think I am)

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It was my first year of B.Tech. The environment of an international college and the crowd everything had just terrified me. A born introvert on top of that coming from a small town it was not only just new but also quite shocking and overwhelming. It was nothing as they show in movies and those daily soaps. I was just standing by a tree in the most possible remote area I could find. 

"Rohan"

"Rohan"

"Abey behra ho gaya hai kya??" (Are you deaf or what??)

At first, I ignored it because I was sure no one here knows me and I really wanted it to be that way only just the introverted thoughts. But I had to turn back when I received a punch on my back. 

It was Aryan my long-lost best friend. I can't explain how happy I was to see him there.

And then it was all amazing. Studying in my dream college with my best friend and actually my only real friend. I knew quite a few people but mostly my friends were virtual, the ones I didn't really know personally.

But my dreams shattered not a log after that. 

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It was our fresher's party. Aryan had to go back because his dad had a heart attack. I was not in the mood to attend the party either, but my classmates dragged me and I just couldn't resist them. 

All the misery began from then. 

I was not a lover of alcohol or any kind of drink but I don't know what happened to me that day I ended up drinking more than my tolerance level. And then I don't remember anything. I woke up on the stairs of our hostel and I was half naked. I just had my paints on, I clearly remember I was wearing a T-shirt and a hoodie last night but how come I ended up in this situation I just have no idea at all. I just ran to my room took shower and went to sleep because I was experiencing a terrible headache.

I woke up because of continuous knocking on the door. When I opened the door it was Aryan, and the expression on his face was unexplainable. It scared me, but when he showed me the video literally my soul left my body. 

In the video, I was doing a strip dance in front of the whole college. In just a night I had become the most popular guy on campus. No matter how much I tried to remember I just couldn't remember a single thing from the last night.

The next day I just left for my home town. That embarrassment and humiliation were way too much for me. 

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I couldn't tell my family why I came back. I just gave them some vague reasons. They thought I came back because I was missing them and too shy to say it. They were really happy because of my return. But soon they found something is off because I was not myself anymore. Getting mad at everyone and everything, yelling for no reason, throwing things. To be honest, I was losing my mind.

And then she came into my life. 

It was just a random friend request. We didn't have any mutual friends or anything. I accepted her request because her bio was really interesting.

" Aap achche hain kyunki hum bure hain, villain ke bina hero ki zarurat hi kya hai???"

(You are good because I'm bad, What's the need for a hero without a villain???)

As soon as I accepted her request she messaged me.

"Aap Rohan ho na??" (You are Rohan, right?)

"Ji haan" (Yes)

"Summer camp wale rohan??" ( Rohan from the summer camp??)

"Matlab?" (what do you mean?)

" 2 saal pehle summer camp me mile the hum... yaad nahi aapko?" (We met in a summer camp 2 years back... Don't you remember?)

"Mai to kabhi summer camp gaya hi nahi apni puri life me" ( I never went to a summer camp in my whole life)

"OMG firse galat Rohan... Sorry mai apko koi aur samjhi thi" (OMG again the wrong Rohan. Sorry I mistook you with someone else)

"Koi baat nahi" (It's okay no problem)

She didn't even reply to that message nor did she message me again.

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After a month surprisingly she messaged me. It was after I posted a picture of my legs sitting on the terrace of our under-construction house at night. It was really dark down there so it was creating an illusion of a really tall building.

"Pagal wagal ho gaye ho kya aap??" (Are you insane?)

"Kya?"(What?)

"Aisa bhi kya ho gya jo suicide karna hai aapko??" (What happened that you are trying to attempt suicide?)

All I could do was laugh. None of my other friends had reacted the way she had. 

I couldn't reply to her that message because she had seen through me without even knowing me or just anything about me. My laugh turned into tears. I was really having suicidal thoughts at that time. 

The next day she messaged again.

"Mar gaye kya sach me??"( You really died??)

"Ab tak to nahi" (Not yet)

"OMG pagal ho kya??? Marna kyu hai aapko???" (OMG are you insane?? Why you wanna die??)

"Mai ne kab kaha mai marna chahte hu?" (When I said I wanna die?)

"Abhi to kaha aapne" ( Right now you said so.)

"Tumhe kyu lagta hai mai marna chahta hun?"(Why you think I wanna die?)

"Mujhe lagta nhi hai mujhe pata hai pakka wala."(I don't think so I know it for sure.)

"Kaise?"(How?)

"Apna profile dekhiye aap... kisi depressed insan wali vibes hi aati hai"(Look at your profile... it gives a depressed person vibe)

I really went through my own profile. And again she was right. It made me think how come nobody else noticed it? Or maybe she is the only one who can see through me. After that whenever I would post anything that had negativity she would always message me. And her guesses or as she said facts were always on point.

Slowly she became my secret keeper. I don't know why I just couldn't lie to her. I told her everything about myself or more correctly I said her half of the things and she just understood half of it without me telling her anything. 

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After a long break, I decided to join the college again. Aryan was also asking me to come back to the campus. She was also continuously nagging me about it. And trust me nobody can beat her in convincing someone. 

People didn't forget completely about that incident but as long as I didn't pay attention nothing bothered me. Apart from Aryan, I made some new friends. We used to call ourselves the fantastic four. 

Gradually time passed by. And she became much more than just a secret keeper but I realized it way too late.

At the end of my second year, I started dating Anjali. She was the beauty queen of our department. We were partners for a group project and slowly we started liking each other and finally, we started dating. 

Almost every guy was jealous of me in our department. I wouldn't call myself handsome but I was quite good-looking though. 

Because it was the starting time of our relationship I was really busy talking with Anjali all the time so apparently I stopped messaging her and when she will I would not reply to her messages for hours. Regardless of my behavior, she would always message me. 

But things started to change, Anjali and I were always fighting. I used to say she don't understand me and she used to say the same. I just couldn't understand why it turned out to be this way. 

Eventually, things got really messed up I was facing some issues from my family side, and it affected me enormously. I was not able to focus on my studies at all. When our exam time came I asked Anjali for a break, that we both should focus on studying right now as her study was also somehow affected by our conflicts. But Anjali misunderstood my intentions, she thought it was all because of that online friend I'm always talking with I am two-timing her. It turned into something so bad I had never expected. Anjali and I ended up breaking up completely and I was not able to focus on my studies so I failed for the first time in my life I had failed. 

It was a big thing for me and I ended up pouring all of my frustration on her. I blamed her for everything. I ended up hurting her so badly that she just vanished from my life. It was the most unexpected thing and the biggest loss of my life.

Her last messages rang a bell inside me. And then everything became clear to me. The person I was in love with was not Anjali, to begin with. I was attracted to Anjali because she reminded me of her. I was expecting Anjali to be like her. The way she understands me, the way she supports me, the way she is always there for me.

And then I realized something much more important I don't even know the name of the person I'm in love with. She had created an account with her pet name because she was trying to find a guy from a summer camp who had borrowed her comics with a promise to return them and never returned them. Apart from this, I don't know anything about her. It was always me ranting, pouring my frustration and everything onto her. We always talked about me it was never about her. 

That's how she became Anamika.