Breathing

Hey, 

Did you not listen to the song I sent you? 

"...Some days, things just take way too much of my energy.

I look up and the whole room's spinning." 

Recently, I have been looping in a lot of songs by Ariana. I have shared the best one with you. 

Suddenly, the hair on my legs and torso stood up straight, bypassing chills. 

I was lying flat on my back with both arms pointed upwards, my t-shirt rolled all the way to my navel, the clay-colored bedsheet pooled near my ankles, the food leftovers on my bed sticking to my sweaty body without consent, my stomach slightly aching, my right eye constantly twitching, the annoying sound of the cockroach legs scurrying around, buzzing of the mosquitoes, the dim light of the room and the mental gloom.

If I text you I'm not feeling good, will you care to ask what is making me so restless? 

I took the phone but couldn't gather the courage to text you. 

The clock said - 2.25 am.

Suddenly, I felt I'm losing all the controls on myself. I kept scrolling our chats for twenty minutes to reach the day we confessed our love to each other. For the first time. Three long years, I realized.

The same April wind brought a lot of memories back. 

I have tried to write about anything else - how the plant roots push through the soil, the jar of Blueberry jam, the Dreamcatcher but instead wrote about your fingers sliding into mine, the blue color of your shirt, the nightmares which I experienced after you left. 

I wanted to write travel blogs but wrote about my journey to find myself,

I wanted to write about the September 2019 girls gang trip but ended up describing why October is my favorite color. 

I have tried to concentrate on the Sushi in a restaurant and accidentally spotted someone orders your favorite Beer. 

The cherry on the cake being - Liverpool's match on the TV in the restaurant.

One of my friend's told me to watch 

500 Days of Summer but somewhere, deep within, I couldn't accept that everything is a coincidence.

As I am writing today's diary, the radio plays : যদি এক মুহূর্তের জন্যেও আমায় চাও

সেটাই সত্যি

Is this a sign?