Hiraeth

     I don't know why I can't stop thinking about all the wild memories teens make, all the chaotic night hangouts, the big friend groups and the fun they have, how they get to actually live and I'm always alone. I want to know how they do it, I want to experience those events. I feel like I will hopelessly waste my year.     I flip my diary close as I put my pen down.    

     I grab my backpack and head toward my class.   

    "So, those are known as Cranial nerves." I nod as if I understood 'cranial nerves'. It's been an hour since Mr. Heywood has been talking about it.

     I want to go to the library.

    Finally, the class is over, and I head to the library. I grab my backpack and pull-out 'When I Was Broken' by Kaylene Kelle. I honestly don't feel like reading but I guess I'll just pretend.      

    People always say that I always act like an adult even when I'm just fifteen. They say that I keep on wasting my teenage years doing nothing, and I completely agree with them. I don't have a friend or any sibling to share these all things with. I never enjoyed living... I live because I can't die. The inner child in me still wants to feel how living is actually. But life is not all about giggles, smiles, sun-shines, rainbows and poems, but also about struggles, tears, depression, stress and judgments.

    I get up and exit the library. I am on my way to my dorm. I have my headphones on but they aren't on. I pretend I'm busy. I always pretend. I am walking through the darkness. I grab my cell-phone from my pocket. It says 8:30 pm. I literally spent an hour and half in library doing nothing but thinking and wondering...      I enter a store to buy myself some bread for dinner. Yeah that's my dinner for today, honestly everyday. I head out from the store and walk towards my dorm.  

    I am walking to my dorm, with hands in pocket, headphones over my hoodie.    

    "Will you ever repeat your mistake?", I turn back and look to my sides, I see no one. I continue to walk. It feels I am getting closer and closer to the voice.   

   "Sorry !", I run the way the voice is coming from.I see four male-like bodies bullying one. They are beating him up,"You dare not say a word", it is a rough boyish voice. Will he just let them beat him up?     

    I grab my cellphone and turn on the voices of police and the crowd. The boys hesitate a bit and have a quick little gossip. The audio is about to end, but thankfully they are leaving. They disappear in the black clouds. I turn on my flashlight. He has bruisesd all over his face and hands. He looks helpless, he grabs the pillar beside him to help him stand. I don't know if I should help. I crouch, I put my index finger beneath his nose to check if he's alive. His breathes are shaky and weak. He opens his eyes. "I'll be back, wait for me here."      I head to nearby pharmacy as fast as I can. I grab the ointment and am running back to him. I bent down he's still laying helpless.