It's You. You Were My Crush

Prajakta is heading from CSE Block to the canteen with her friends. She is talking to one of her friends at the canteen doorway. The weather is fairly cold and a strong wind was blowing. Laughing softly at the matching shadows of her eyes, she looked very beautiful that morning. An unfamiliar voice met her when she is talking to her friend.

‘You’re blocking the doorway’, I said patting her right shoulder. I sounded a little bit rude.

‘Maybe’, she was rough-and-tumble than me.

‘And maybe you can piss me off so that I can get to the other side of the door’

‘Or maybe you can use the back door, you asshole’, she said turning back to me.

‘That hurt a little’, I said beating a fist on my heart.

‘Aw’, she said coming in for a hug.

Nobody around us didn’t understand what just had happened.

Prajakta Koli and I’ve been best friends since 8th grade. We used to be inseparable in school. When she first moved to Hyderabad from Mumbai, she joined my school and class, a little behind the academic schedule of that year. At first, we used to curse each other and something miraculously happened which changed everything between us. As days passed, the friendship between us grew stronger and stronger. We became best friends and something more than that. 

FIVE YEARS AGO

The canteen in HPS is fussy, at any time of the day. I was walking in to get a drink for me and Avinash (my friend). When I ran into someone I knew, I stopped for a while to talk with them at the doorway. That’s when I heard this unfamiliar sweet voice saying, ‘Move it, bro. You’re blocking the way

‘I will. When I want to, I said in a rude voice turning back to her. Wow, she’s beautiful. I am seeing her for the first time in the school. She’s definitely moved here from somewhere, I can tell that much just by looking at her, I thought staring at her.

‘What a rude brat’, she said taking a look at me.

‘What did you say?’, I asked in surprise by her rudeness.

A teacher who is passing by shouted at us to clear the path. And we did. I never saw her for the rest of the day. When I asked around for her everyone said they don’t know her. The next two days were the weekend. So, I didn’t mind much about her anymore.

   

Mondays are always the worst part of school days. Our class teacher, Ms. Jessie seemed to look more beautiful than usual days. We all stood up as she entered the classroom. A girl who looked familiar followed her into the class.

‘Good morning, Class. Today we have a new student here who will be joining us hereafter. Her name is Prajakta Koli. She moved here last week. Ms Koli introduces yourself’, said Ms Jessie smiling at her.

Koli cleared her voice and said, ‘I am Prajakta Koli. I am from Mumbai’ everyone exclaimed a surprise when she said that. ‘I moved here last week with my parents. I like reading books

‘You can sit next to Mr Krish’, Ms Jessie said pointing at me.

‘But Mam this seat belongs to Avinash. He is just sick today. He will be back tomorrow, I objected.

‘Mr. Avinash can sit with Ms Priyanka in front. Do as I say. And try to get along with each other. I heard that both of you reside in the same apartments too’

Everyone in the class cheered a ‘ohh…’. I still don’t know why. She looked annoyed, the same as me. Rest of the day, we ended up cursing and glaring at each other. If I knew back then, that she would be the girl I love more than anything. I think I wouldn’t have stopped hating her so much.

Days passed. We’re still not talking to each other. The school hasn’t been that good for me those few weeks. Even at home, I would run into her every day. Our parents became friends and they’ve become even more close than we expected. Saturday dinners at her place become like our little family tradition.

One day, she didn’t board the school bus. I wondered what happened. I was worried the whole day. I didn’t even know why I was worried about her. Everybody in school started to ask me about her. I didn’t let them know I was concerned or bothered about her. I acted as if I don’t care for her. In the evening time, when school was about to end it was breezing. I started running very fast after I got down from the bus, trying not to get drenched in the rain. Suddenly, a red umbrella was on my head. I turned back to see who it was. It was her. Koli. She was wearing a white T-shirt and jeans shorts. She looked very cute as usual.

‘My mom is looking from the window. She will kick me to hell if I leave you in the rain out here. Let’s just try to get along for her. Shall we?’, she asked politely. She looked very cute.

‘Thanks’, I said. I didn’t see a reason to decline her help. 

‘Cool’, she said as we started to walk towards my building.

‘Everyone missed you at school today’, I said staring her in the face.

‘I didn’t feel like coming today’, she said. I could say she was sad by looking at her. She wasn’t feeling well. I could see it in her face.

‘Are you sick?’

‘A little. I am okay now, we already reached the elevator. I thanked her again and got into it. My mom was waiting for me when I got home. She told me to freshen up. When I am back from the washroom, everyone is waiting for me in the hall including Koli's parents. Mom said they had to be somewhere and she asked me to take care of Koli until they’re back.

‘She’s a little sick. Please take care of her for us, Krish Beta. We will try to get back as soon as possible, Koli’s Mom said to me brushing my hair.

‘Sure thing’, I said when Mom glared at me.

     

After they were gone, I went to Koli’s home and rang the bell. She opened the door. She looked the same. Now that I think about it, she’s looking a little pale. Still beautiful, though. She invited me in. I followed her inside. She told me that I can leave if I want to and she can take care of herself. I offered to stay if it was okay with her. She said OKAY.

We watched a little TV first. Surprisingly, our tastes are more similar than we thought. We both like Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt. And then we played some board games to pass the time. My Mom called us to say they were going to be late and to order the dinner.

‘What do you want to eat?’, I asked her.

‘I don’t feel like eating anything. You order, she said in a lowly voice.

‘Come on yaar, you’ve gotta eat something or else you’ll be sick again’, I tried to convince her.

‘Food here, it’s not to my taste. You eat, Krish. I don’t want to

‘Okay. I’ll cook for you. Name it. What do you want to eat?’,

‘You can cook?’, she asked in surprise.

‘I am good at a lot of things’, I said winking at her.

‘Ew…., don’t ever do that again’, she said laughing out loud.

‘Just name it and you’ll see’, I sounded confident.

‘Aloo Paratha with Dahi’, she challenged me.

‘Be right back’, I said walking away.

‘Kitchen is this way’, she said laughing at me when I walked in the opposite direction.

‘Right’

I’ve learned cooking since I was very young. I can almost cook anything without a recipe. But I never offered to cook for anyone. Even my mom couldn’t make me do it, till this day. I don’t know why, I offered her. I guess, I wanted to see her smile and not be hungry when she’s sick. I finished my cooking in 30 minutes. I brought everything to the dining table. I even did a little plating for her. I tried my best to impress her. I called her out. She looked touched.

‘Everything is looking great, MR. KRISH’, she said. Mr. Krish, huh?

‘Go on. Try it, I said.

She sat in the chair I pulled for her. She gently took a bite of paratha into her mouth. There was little curd on her lips. I cleaned it with the napkin for her. I didn’t understand anything from her face. She took another bite. Still no change, I can’t tell anything from her face. It’s just unreadable.

‘Well, say something will you?’, I asked curiously.

‘Wait’, she said eating another bite.

‘What?’, I asked in confusion. Just like that she finished one whole paratha without even telling me anything. When she saw a confused me staring at her while she was eating.

‘It’s great as hell, you idiot’, she babbled while eating.

I smiled. It made me happy that she liked it so much. When she asked why I wasn’t eating. I told her that I only cooked for one person. Because that’s how I learned from the beginning. I don’t know how to cook for two or more people. I tried once. It wasn’t good. When I explained this to her. She smiled and said, ‘Come here. I’ll feed you, with a cute face.

   That’s how it began. Our friendship. We started hanging out with each other more often from that day. Going to school together. Doing assignments and projects together. Going out to movies and shopping. We got used to doing everything together. Slowly we become inseparable. We become best friends. Just like that, years passed. We were in our tenth grade when shocking news was about to hit us.

Koli's parents got transferred back to Mumbai. To the Headquarters. They’re thinking about moving back to Mumbai after Koli finished her exams. They didn’t even tell us until the exams are over. Koli looked broken when we heard the news. They’re going to move in two days and we both didn’t know what to do. First, we tried to convince them not to move and seeing our efforts didn’t make any change, we told ourselves to accept it. Koli still looked heartbroken. There is not even much time to do anything. So, I promised her that I would come to Mumbai for my engineering then we can go to college together again. ‘So, make sure to study hard and get yourself into the college I will go’, I said to her when they were leaving us.

‘I will’, she said with a sad face and shaking voice. Her eyes and cheeks had all gone red. Her eyes looked like they were about to burst into tears at any moment.

‘Don’t cry, Koli’, I said taking her into a hug ‘I’ll come to you as soon as possible. Just wait for me’

‘Promise?’, she asked me, with that look and making a pinky with her hand. I could never forget that look in her eyes and face. I think that’s the moment. The moment I fell in love with her.

‘Promise!’, I said confidently joining my hand with her.

‘So, how’s Mumbai?’, asked Koli when we sat in the college canteen.

The last two years have been a little tough for us. Initial days are the worst where we used to forget that the other one is not with them anymore. That, we’re not living in the same apartment anymore. Social Media and Video Calls helped us a lot. I’ve been a wreck for the first few weeks. That’s when I started to realize that for me, she is not just my best friend. I started to know about my feelings for her. I was confused. Missing her only made it worse. Through every chat, and every call, I started to understand I just don’t miss her, I love her. The pain I was feeling, it made my heart bleed for her. I got scared. Scared of what she’d think about me. What if she leaves me? And stopped talking to me? Just thinking about it scared the shit out of me. I decided to hide those feelings.

A year passed, and my feelings for her, they’ve only grown worse. We’re still planning everything together for our college. And it’s going great. Until Koli got her first boyfriend. I’d been feeling down for a whole week then, thankfully she broke up with him after two weeks. I tried to support her despite my feelings, I just couldn’t. So, I let her do things the way she likes without interfering.

We’re very excited for the last few days. The dream we’re dreaming of for two years, going together to college. It finally came true. Although, there’s a little disappointed that we didn’t get to be in the same class. I came to Mumbai a little early to spend some time with Koli. She broke into tears when she saw me at the airport. She ran into my arms, at a distance. Her tears won’t stop. I stayed with her and her parents for a week and we went to all her favourite places. Her parents offered me to stay with them instead of a hostel, but I politely declined as my parents said.

The college orientation program started after a few days. I took a week off to settle down in the hostel and adjust to the locality and things. Now, I am finally back in college in front of her.

‘Mumbai? It’s very different from what I had imagined, I said staring at her. She looked cute in her white T-shirt and black jeans. She changed a lot from those school days. Now, she’s looking more like a woman than a dumb girl I used to know in school.

‘Well, what did you imagine?’, she asked with such a cute face. I think, my heart just skipped a beat. How will ever survive in this college with her?

‘I don’t know, something different than this I guess’, I tried to answer. Barely trying to control myself from staring.

‘Well, get ready for some fun. We’re going out tonight- 

‘Hey, Praju. There you’re’, an unfamiliar voice cut her in the middle.

‘Hey Karthik’, she said in an irritated voice. Karthik is her classmate. She introduced him to me. We greeted each other. I didn’t like him from the start. He is too talkative. Also, he is hitting on Koli, a little too much.

I’ve gone out with Koli and her friends that night. Karthik came along with us. Everyone knows that Karthik likes Koli. She rejected him from Day 1, but he never stopped trying. We drink a little at a brewery. It was just an okay night for me. Koli seems to have enjoyed it a lot more than I do. Her friends suited her, seemed that they too like her a lot. She is already a little celebrity in the college. She is always been an attractive and active girl since her school days. I was feeling a little jealous at first. Seeing her talking to so many guys. I am not used to it. I was trying to her avoid a little distracting myself. It’s been weeks and we barely talk these days. We’re all busy with our own work. She always knew what I was thinking. She took me out to a café one evening.

‘What’s going on with you?’, she asked. She was angry, I can see that in her eyes. 

‘What? Nothing. Why do you ask?’, I said trying to act cool.

‘Don’t try and act cool in front of me Krish. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. No texts, no calls. You barely talk whenever we ran into each other at college’, she sounded a little scared now.

‘It’s not like that Koli. I am still trying to adjust to everything. I thought I can be away from my parents. It’s a little harder. That’s all, I said. Wow, I barely escaped there. I shouldn’t have avoided her that much.

‘Really? Nothing more, she said with a lowly voice.

‘Come on yaar, I would’ve told you if something was going on’, I said.

‘Promise?’, she said giving out a pinky hand.

‘Promise!’, I said. Aww, my heart will stop if she ever did that again.

For the next few days, I tried to be normal with her. We’ve gone out a few times, only just two of us. I liked our night outs. She used to show me around in Mumbai. She is also quite popular in some places. With her, I’ve become a regular visitor to some café and bars. Clubbing with her is something I always waited for. Whenever her classmates joined us, I felt a little insecure. I started hating Karthik even more. To compensate for those nights, I hated. She used to take me out on nice dinner dates. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

Months passed. Our semester is at the end. I found it difficult to concentrate on exams, which is unlike me. All I could think about is her. Every moment I spend with her. Every night we’ve gone out. All those times they wouldn’t leave me alone. I used to spend hours thinking about things that could never happen between us.

A year passed. We completed our first year. I decided to go home for summer vacation. Koli asked me to stay and cook a nice meal for her. I said I can’t and that I will cook for her when I am back. I tried to spend the vacation with my family. Her thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone. My heart is still in Mumbai with her. I’ve gone back to Mumbai in the middle of vacation only to find out that Koli got a boyfriend.

   

When I first came to Mumbai, we talked about relationships and stuff one time. Koli said that she would start dating now. The actual reason that she’d broken up with her first boyfriend is that she couldn’t concentrate on her studies. She was afraid of not getting into college. I felt a little sad.

I said, ‘Why don’t you just date me?’, I still don’t know what happened to me in that moment. It just came out of my mouth like a car on the F1 race track. She looked a little surprised.

‘No. Not you, she said.

‘Why?’, I asked. What’s wrong with me today?

‘Because we can never break up. If we don’t ever want to break up, we’ve to remain friends forever. How am I supposed to live? If we broke up, she said with that look in her eyes. I can do anything for that look. It drives me crazy whenever she sees me like that. My heart just fluttered. Her words just kept ringing in my ears for another two days. I felt sad about asking her.

I was surprised to see a man with her when she came to pick me up at the airport. She said she has a surprise for me. Not even in my wildest dreams, I have imagined this would’ve happened. I had seen him somewhere before. He looked familiar. Fuck, it’s him. Her Ex. John. Her first boyfriend. I acted surprised and cool to see him. He drove us to Koli’s home. We send him off from there. She asked me to me stay at home since her parents are also out of town to attend a family event.

By the time, we reached home we were both exhausted due to the traffic in Mumbai. I said I’d cook something for her. She insisted that I don’t, since we’re both tired enough. We ordered online and went to bed early that night. The next day morning, I woke up early to make breakfast for her. I made her favourite Pancakes and French toast. She was very happy to see it. She enjoyed every last bit of it. We talked about how things are in life and about her boyfriend (I hated every second of it).

The vacation came to an end sooner than I thought. We’re seniors now. I didn’t feel much change in that perspective. It’s all the same old, same old for me. Koli’s trying her best to spend more time with John. I started doing different things to distract myself from her. It’s no better than before. Some days I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Nights are even worse. Days are moving faster than ever. We finished a semester when Koli broke up with John. They loved each other, but in the long term, there is no point in that relationship. Both of their parents would never agree to their marriage. So, Koli broke up with him to avoid both of them getting hurt. She’s grown a lot. I thought when she told me everything.

Another semester has started, but Koli is not ready for it yet. She is still hurting. But she won’t say anything. She tried to hide it and deal with it on her own. I didn’t know what to do. All I could do was be there for her. I hate to see her suffer. She would cry all alone in the dark. And wouldn’t come out for days. I tried my best to distract her from everything. It took her weeks to be her old self again. I was happy to see her chuckling again. We finished our second year too. In the Third-year First semester, we’ve grown apart without knowing. She would hang out with her classmates mostly. Partying and going out to clubs. She’s grown a lot close with Karthik. I hated him a lot more too.

It's all the same in the second semester, we barely see each other. I started missing her more. Whenever I ran into her in college she would be with Karthik. I was jealous of him. He gets to spend more time with her. I felt a little insecure those days. In fact, a lot. I thought about telling her everything. Suddenly, I got this feeling and voice taunting me to confess to her. Every night I used to think about it. Should I say or not?

I told myself that I’ll do it after exams. Or else I think I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my exams. I am trying my best to do well in exams. My percentage has gone down the graph from 1st semester. Koli 

would give me a lecture whenever she’d get a chance, about why am I not doing better. I’d turn my ears off and stare at her cute face. Before the last exam, she called me late at night.

‘Let’s meet tomorrow. After exam. I’ve something to say, she said.

‘Yes. I was about to call you and tell you the same. I’ve something to say too, I said.

The next day, I did a terrible job on the exam. I failed my first exam. But it didn’t matter to me at that moment. All that matters now is her. We decided to meet at her favourite café in Dadar. She was already waiting for me when I arrived. I went inside. We exchanged pleasantries. She asked about the exam, I tried to distract the topic.

‘So, you said you’d something to say’, I asked curiously.

‘No, you go first’, she said.

‘What? No, you go first, I tried to be persuasive.

‘Please Krish, I am very nervous’, she said with such a cute look. I couldn’t have said no to that. I would never say no to her. She knew that.

‘Ah, fine’, I looked annoyed. ‘Ufff, I don’t know where to begin’

‘Just tell me’, she said.

‘I…I li…I like someone’

‘What? What? Like? Someone? You? Who is she?’, she shouted a little in surprise. Everyone stared at us.

‘Koli, please just don’t ask me that’

‘Fine’, she said annoyingly ‘tell me more

‘I am trying to give up on her and am feeling that it’s an impossible task to do so’

‘What? Why? You didn’t even confess, did you?’

‘That’s the thing about a crush, I can’t. It’s my heart and my feelings and yet they’re beyond my control’

‘Stop this shit, Krish. Just confess her’

‘That’s the thing, I can’t. She is someone I cannot have, I said with a sad look and shaking voice.

‘Sssshhh. Bullshit, there’s no such thing as Krish. Just tell her. I am sure, she will accept you

‘You think so?’

‘I believe so. Any girl would be lucky to have you Krish’, she said pressing my hand.

I don’t want anyone. I want you.

‘Thanks. Enough about me. You said you’ve something to say, I asked.

‘Ah….., right. If I would’ve known that you’d break such big news. I wouldn’t have said anything

‘Stop it and just tell me

‘Fine. Wait…., I… I think,… I am starting to get feelings for Karthik’

My face went blank suddenly. I didn’t know what to say. I felt angry, sad, hurt and deceived. She looked shocked to see me like that. I was just sitting there gone blur.

‘I know. I know, she’s trying to explain something ‘I was just as shocked as you when I realized it

I still don’t know what to say to her. I just asked ‘Why? Why now?’

‘I don’t know. For the last few months, we’ve been hanging out a lot. And he would always flirt with me and talk very sweetly. Don’t worry it’s not that serious. Even if it is I would never go out with him. We’re not a good match, she said. That’s what every girl would think until she goes out with him.

‘Oh’

‘What? Say something, she asked innocently.

‘I don’t know. It’s your choice. I support you in everything, I tried my best not to show my feelings.

I didn’t talk much for the rest of the day. We just ate our food quietly. When we’re about to part ways.

‘Krish’, she called me when I was walking away.

‘Ha’, I replied turning back.

‘Just confess her. Tell her how you feel. If she rejects you, come to me, she said with that look in her eyes. It’s killing me to see her like that.

‘What?’

‘Come to me, I’ll buy you a drink’, she said hugging me.

I barely controlled myself from crying.

I couldn’t sleep all night. I boarded the early morning flight to Hyderabad, the very next day. I ran away, yet again. Everywhere I go, I could hear and see only one thing. Where she would say, “I think I am starting to get feelings for Karthik”. Those words of hers, won’t stop popping up in my mind. Why? Why it has to be yesterday of all days? Fuck, Koli. Still, I don’t blame her. We all know I never do. I don’t even know what I was expecting from her. But what I got is a broken heart. The picture of her. Confessing her feelings for someone. It would never get out of my mind. And my heart wouldn’t stop aching for her.