Memories Haunt!!!

As I sit back on my living room sofa gazing at the ceiling with a glass of rum in my hand, the glass we once shared, the glass that held so many drinks we sipped together, all blank, I think of all the beautiful memories shared with him. Here, I am, transported to 23rd August 2019, when he was home at my 2BHK Apartments, before his work hours, traveling 20kms all the way just to see me, take that one glance.. and I felt so loved, so special. That wonderful morning we had breakfast together and he carried the lunch I had made especially for him. 

I shut my eyes trying to avoid the flashback of that particular day, and there I am, feeling him in my arms, right near the door. The last hug that he gave me before he left for work!!!! The hug that had almost torn me apart. The hug that he knew meant the world to the US. The warm embrace that told him not to leave, and the look in his eyes- his helplessness for leaving when all he wanted to do is stay back for a few more hours. 

I hold myself wrapping my own arm around me as if he were right here with me as if I could literally feel him. That look in his eyes of being forced to leave when all he wanted to do was stay back with me tears me apart. It keeps me longing for more hoping for the deserved togetherness for a lifetime and beyond. My heart aches for more indeed!!! 

Could I rewind the time? Could I bring back that noon? Could I fix everything that went haywire ever since 25th? Could I have him next to me ever again?

It was clear and vivid how I missed him and how I wanted to do anything and everything just for us to be together ever again. But did he want the same too? Did he ever worry about me? Did he even wonder if I was doing fine? Intermittent disposable chats did reveal he was worried and he cared but that wasn’t enough for my grieving heart. All that my bleeding soul ever wanted was a word from him that he cared and he loved and he always would and I would happily give up my entire life in the hope that someday we will be together. All I need is my last breaths in his arms and I would rest in peace leaving for my heavenly abode. 

There I lay gazing at the plain white ceiling moving my hand on the blue sofa cover aimlessly when my phone notification broke my chain of thoughts. A few more WhatsApp notifications from my team about the work and updates related to the next day’s targets!! All I could do was revert to those and check a few Facebook notifications when I realized I had not checked my personal number!! 

Would he have written to me?? Or would it be just another dry Sunday like any other I had witnessed for the last 1 year. .(unlike the ones before where we chatted 10*24 HOURS OF THE WEEKEND OFF. I dreaded to be let down but I was assured of no emails keeping in mind the last 1 year’s experience. And there I was!! Shocked to have seen several emails being deleted and 2 fresh ones lying in my inbox for me to be checked. The timing read as 16.38 and 16.40 respectively!!! My heart was on fire!! I felt ecstatic. He had messaged me on a Sunday!!! Should I thank my lucky stars or do I pinch myself if It’s a dream or reality? And with a shivering hand, I clicked on the mail. He had written to me!!! Yes!!! Tears of joy flowed from the corner of my eyes!!! 

“ Mumma, are you there?” My worried daughter had come around checking for me if I were okay and If I were there to listen to her concerns and queries regarding the choices she had and the choices she had to make.. the career plan she wanted to chalk out. “Yes, my love. I am pretty much here, checking out career options for you while you busy chat away with your pals my sweetie..” I replied. Thankfully, my laptop screen exactly flashed the same. Thank God I remembered what I was doing before I drifted into my past and my life with him. 

With a warm embrace of hers, I was awakened to the present moment. Daughters are angels, they say. But in my case, maybe she was my mum in one of my previous lives. For the way she comforted me during the most trying times or the way she nurtured me or mothered me when I was down with chickenpox. Could I ask for anything more? I asked my soul when she looked at me and held me tight in her arms. My whole world lay in just 2 places, one was his arms and the next was hers. 

Soon she walked up to the dining table that had been my work station during the lockdown and checked for my laptop and realized I was checking out the career options she should have. Animatedly she walked up to me at the sofa that was placed diagonally opposite to the dining table and gleefully hugged me tightly for the data I had saved on my Desktop for her. This one hug was my heaven, my reason to smile and feel alive, feel loved. 

We sat back at the so-called work station of mine discussing the career options for her. I smiled in my heart as I knew I had her, I had one person who would never abandon me.. even when the whole world would do so. We discussed the several options she was interested in and a few more I had shortlisted for her. An overjoyed kid who felt loved and cared for, she kissed my forehead requesting me to take a quick shower and that she would prepare some quick meals for us. Before I could get up for the shower I heard her phone ring. Her friends had come down to see her and wanted to take her out for coffee. Lovingly I waved her off to see them.. drifting back into my own world, my past.. my life with him!! 

Could someone ever be so important to the other? Why had he taken this place in my heart and soul? Did he even deserve it? But they say love is blind ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha.. and I can see me falling every day.. every hour every second.. and yet another time the doorbell rang. It was Geeta this time. The house help. I allowed her in. Silently, as usual, she finished her chores while I took a quick shower temporarily washing away all the memories that had flooded my heart and soul..