Remember....

"Do you have a crush?" Ashwin asks me " Or a boyfriend?". We, Ashwin and his sister Athira, Me and my brother Abi were playing truth or dare when Ashwin drops this bombshell." No, I don't have any crushes or boyfriends" I quickly lie, avoiding Ashwin's eyes. 

You see, Ashwin and his family are our childhood friends. They used to be our neighbors till they relocated to their hometown, two years ago. Still, Ashwin and Athira visit us during the summer holidays and I and Abi go there during Christmas break. I have had a crush on Ashwin since, well, forever. But I am scared to confess. 

Ashwin smirks at me as if he knows that I have a crush on him." Do you have a girlfriend or a crush, Ashwin?" I ask him. He quickly gives a "No" while Athira says "Yes" at the same time. Ashwin throws a murderous glare at Athira, while she beams as if she had done work worthy of the Nobel Prize. " Lying doesn't suit you, Ashwin. Come on! Say who is she? Anyone, we know?" Abi nags him, without wasting a second. At last, after minutes of nagging, Ashwin gives in, He says" Ok, ok stop! I will tell you. Athira, close the door. Abi, answering you, no, you haven't met her. Her name is Afna. She is studying in my school." I stare at the floor, trying not to reflect shock and pain in my face. Ashwin, oblivious to my mental battle, continues " I first met her when Irfan dragged me to meet her. You see, he had met her and was captivated by her beauty." He says with a dramatic expression. " But I never expected that I would fall for her. I kept the fact that I had fallen for her, hidden from Irfan. Knowing him, I was sure that he would do something stupid. But, nothing escapes him! He soon found out that I had a crush on her, and true to his reputation, he did something stupid," 

"What was it?"Abi asks. Ashwin smiles and continues" You see, we have teacher's meetings every Friday, 7th, and 8th period. During those periods, as they are free, most of the students go and sit in their friend's classrooms. Irfan somehow managed to convince me and dragged me to her classroom and seated me in front of her. My friend, Abid was in her class and he was sitting right in front of her. Irfan quickly explained the situation to Abid. To my complete horror, I was forced to sit there, right next to Abid for the next two periods. This continued the weeks that followed. One day, Afna spoke to me" Hello! I am Afna." I composed myself and somehow managed to stammer " I am Ashwin."

 Believe me, from then on, we became friends. As months flew by, my place every Friday shifted from near Abid to near Afna. We also met during intervals. But still, I was scared to confess my love for her. If she rejected me, I knew I wouldn't survive." Ashwin pauses.

" And then, you confessed to her and she said yes" Abi finished

" No, Abi. Not all stories have a happily ever after ending. Mine is one of those. I was busy gazing at her that I didn't notice a person with an axe standing behind me. There is a boy in Afna's class named John. He too was in love with her. And of course, when he saw that she was growing close to me, he couldn't bear it. So one Friday, when I entered her class he made a big fuss. He scolded me and told me to go to my own class. Little did I know, that this incident would change my course of life. A big verbal fight took birth between me and John. Somewhere, it accidentally slipped from my mouth that I was in love with her. John came to hit me but Afna intervened. She curtly told me to go to my class and never meet her again. That was the last I saw her. We had holidays to prepare for our board exams from then. On the last day of our exams, Abid gave me a piece of paper saying that it was from Afna. It said " I don't love you.I never did. Never meet me again" I hated her from that day, have hated her since." Ashwin finished with a deep sigh. He turned his face away from us, but I knew that he was crying. " Ashwin, why do you hate her?" The question escaped my mouth before I could swallow it. " I don't know" He replied. "Ashwin, go and apologize to her. She will forgive you. And if she loves you, she will say so. Give her some time. She will forgive you". I am astounded at myself. I said him to GO AND APOLOGIZE TO HER! I love him, loved him, and will always love him. But I can't see him in pain. If he loves her then, well, I can't do anything. Can I? But I also know that I will love him more than he loves her. 

 Ashwin and Athira left that day. I am sure that I am not exaggerating when I say that I barely survived the upcoming months. Abi noticed the change in me but kept quiet. I was in 10th that year, so I had lots to study. 

7 months passed. Christmas break began. I and Abi spent our break at Ashwin's place. I asked Ashwin one day when we were alone, Abi had gone to buy groceries and Athira was bathing, " Hey! What happened between you and Afna? Is everything fine?" He let out a deep sigh and told" No Lakshmi, nothing is fine. She shifted schools."

" Hey but that doesn't mean that she hates you right? Maybe she had no choice but to change schools. Maybe she didn't get admission in your school in 11th." I reply. " No Lakshmi. She had messaged me via Instagram. She told that this can't continue. When I asked why she told me that she has 2 younger sisters and if she does this, they too will. Then she blocked me." Abi came back from the store before I could reply. That night I lay thinking. Athira was peacefully sleeping next to me. I and Abi would go back to our home, the next morning. I thought" I can now confess to Ashwin that I love him." But there was guilt holding me back. I saw the pain in Ashwin's eyes when Afna left him. He loves her, just as I love him. What if he accepts my love out of courtesy? I honestly don't want that. At last, I make up my mind. I decide to leave my diary, in which I am writing this, in a place where I know he will find. I don't have it in me to say this directly to him. But if I don't say it now, I never will. Maybe we will laugh about this 10 years later, but I don't want to see him 10 years later and feel guilty that I never told him. I quickly write a letter to him.

Dear Ashwin, 

       

I love you. I always had. I always will. It's ok if you don't love me back the way I do. I don't expect you to. I don't know when you changed from brother to crush for me. I sincerely don't. But always remember, especially when you are feeling low thinking about Afna, that there is someone out there who loves you, even when she knows that you will never love her back. That you are capable of loving and being loved. If you don't have any feelings for me, can we go back to being friends? Please? 

           

Sincerely, Lakshmi.