The Hairpin

Did we win? Did we lose?

Neither.

We were plunged into nothingness.

For, in a war, what is truly lost is our ability to-

**

“You wench!” His broadsword reflected the light of the gloom-laden sun as it ruined her face, scarring it for life.

“Bastard!” Her hair, tied up with a pin in the shape of a bouquet of lilies and roses, fell loose as she drew it out and thrust it deep into the thigh of her opponent, her own blade having left her hand in the strife.

They were both sword-demons, in every sense of the term. At a stalemate for quite a while, the female Captain, Susanna Gottheit, finally gained an advantage over General Hughram Haschlicht.

**

It was much more than a war; it was utter annihilation. All were involved; children, women, men. Emotions, empathy dulled beyond imagination, indoctrinated children fired relentless arrows at women, frenzied men stabbed women with daggers, women of vengeful wrath beheaded men. There was no honour, no chivalry. Those defeated were not blessed with a swift death, no, they were robbed of their identity as human beings.

**

“Sister, who is that man?” Young Susanna, then thirteen, curiously peered from behind the door.

“He is… a suitor.” Her sister smiled at her gently.

“A ‘suitor’… hmm… So, he’s your friend?”

“You… could… say that.”

“Will I also have a friend?”

“My dear, if you’re more interested in father’s silver sword than mother’s silver mirror, ‘friends’ will be afraid to approach you. It’s sad, but that’s how society has always been.”

**

When General Hughram Haschlicht opened his turquoise eyes, he did not recognize his surroundings; however, what he did comprehend was the fact that he was draped in bandages.

Who had rescued him?

One of his subordinates?

That was impossible.

With his own drooping eyes, sinking heart and impotent, fallen, immobile form; he had witnessed the acts of monstrosity the victors of the other army had inflicted on his men. Given that, he had expected to be stripped of all dignity, feasted on by carrion crows, then cast aside as dead cattle, their fill satiated.

His broadsword?

Where was it?

Oh, there it was, propped against a wall in a corner of the room devoid of any personal belongings. A certain object lay beside it, a hairpin, its sharp edge bloodied.

Ah, so that’s who brought me here.

To torture me?

But… these bandages…?

It didn’t matter anymore. A defeated commander’s life is no longer his own.

He glanced outside the large window to his right. The garden was really very pretty.

“Lord Hughram, I see you’re awake.”

That hateful voice. He winced, not looking at her.

“What’s the meaning of this, Captain Gottheit?” He began coldly, staring intently at a little yellow bird that was chirping outside, “If you wish to inflict undue pain, then get on with it. I have relinquished this life of mine.”

“You know full well, if I really wanted that, I would have done so on the battlefield.”

“And you know full well that showing me pity is just as worse.”

“I… didn’t bring you here for something so humiliating, Lord Hughram. I have my reasons.”

At this, General Hughram tore his eyes away from the bird and turned to look at his enemy, now saviour.

Without an armour and a sword, riding her steed, she appeared to be just another young woman, long hair down, almost homely in her demeanour; domestic even; bearing a tray. There was a touch of a smile upon her… he gritted his teeth… face…

Something he had damaged…

I’m sorry.

“Why me? There were others you could have saved.”

“We crossed blades for hours. I believe our souls were connected through steel and promises of blood.”

“Fancy words.” The General spoke, countenance impassive, and faced away yet again.

Forgive me for addressing you in that foul manner.

Hughram gestured towards the hairpin. “Remove that thing from my sight. It irks me and makes my leg throb.”

“Yes, I was planning on throwing it aside. But it’s a reminder of my… sin? Or goodwill? I cannot tell the difference anymore. When you collapsed, one of my men tried to hurt you. I told him it was dishonourable, unethical to harm an unconscious man. Since he wouldn’t listen, I… had to discipline him… with that thing.” She bent down to pick it up, hair covering the ruined side of her face. “Sorry, I’ll keep it in my bedroom from now on.”

“No.” Hughram ordered imperiously. “Leave it. Let it be a symbol of my… hatred towards you, Captain Gottheit.”

Susanna smiled wider, but sorrow was etched in every scarlet line of her visage.

“Yes. That is how it should be.”

**

Over the fortnight, Hughram Haschlicht’s frigid insides, as icy as the tundra itself, were starting to thaw; however, he never allowed the sentiment of hatred to drift away like the petals of spring that were beginning to swirl and then vanish. He schooled his heart to strictly be moulded by nothing but that emotion. It was the only aspect that let him accept Susanna’s aid.

Loathing someone was easy.

She had said they were connected.

He hated himself for calling her a ‘wench’, for destroying her looks. It was only right, no, easy to go on loathing her instead of wallowing in self-pity over guilt.

He always looked away when she entered with his daily fare, ate in silence as she sat, maintaining a fair bit of distance before taking the tray away.

This life here was… strange.

His sleep was never interrupted, even though the enemy was just a few metres away, a blanket around her. He never sensed anything but a genuine desire to help on her part.

The moon-beams fell on her disfigured, peaceful face; his broadsword only inches from his right hand.

Yes, it was far easier to hate. It was normal.

The General never once lost in swordplay, but he knew why the woman had overpowered him on that day. It was not that her techniques were better. She was the better warrior, that was all. Captain Gottheit wasn’t wrong when she said they had felt each other through steel. Her sword was overflowing with tears. His, on the other hand, sought to prove a point, assert his own brand of justice.

Justice doesn’t exist when war breaks out, he had forgotten that. What had stilled his hand were the tears behind the blazing eyes that set everything on the battlefield aflame. Only when she slept did he have the courage to gaze at her face.

Yes, again, it was so easy to detest that ugly countenance.

The alternate option would crush him.

**

“Captain Gottheit,” he began, tone chilly, “how long are you planning to keep up his farce?”

“I told you,” She was re-doing his bandages, “I have my reasons.”

“And what might they be, pray tell.” Hughram was exasperated.

“I see no point in divulging my answers and providing you with more reasons to think of me as a wench.” She smiled as he drew in his breath sharply.

“Ah, relax, General, it was just a jest!”

“How can you even begin to think of making a jest out of something like that?” Hughram raised his voice in agitation. “I don’t understand you! You always let your guard down around me! You leave my weapon at my side! Do you not realize that I can slit your throat any time I want? That I can take advantage of you while you sleep in my vicinity as though you have not a care in the world? What do you really want, Susanna? It’s like you’re testing me all the time! And stop smiling! I can’t stand it!” His voice rose with every syllable.

Susanna exhaled. “Since you used my first name, I take it, I don’t have to use honorifics anymore? Well, Hughram, I know for a fact that you won’t try to kill me or take advantage of me in the dead of the night.” She held up her palm. “And before you ask me why, let me enlighten you. Because both of these are easy. You are a man who, invariably, treads upon the thornier, more difficult path in life. How do I know this? Simple. You let me win.”

“I did no such thing. You were mightier in swordsmanship. So, you won.”

“Lying does not suit you, Commander. It was chivalry. Nothing more, nothing less.”

**

A month later, Hughram’s wounds had completely healed. Hence, he was up and about. The manor was unnecessarily large for a woman who lived alone. He felt a pang of something akin to loneliness on behalf of his benefactor. Who cooked for her? Apparently, nobody. He had noticed her burnt, blistered fingers and her odd selection of ingredients. She had possibly only begun to properly stir the pot for his sake.

He strolled into the garden, a place he had often yearned for from the window but had never actually ventured into. It was lovely. Wisteria and plum blossoms everywhere! There were little mounds with shrubs thriving without restraint. A pond reflected the azure, the mauve and the magenta, willow fronds almost kissing the surface.

I could live here forever…

That’s ridiculous!

Not every meeting in life has to have meaning.

People pass by each other every day.

Just like a delicate petal brushing against the cheek.

A mere memory, the tenderness soon forgotten.

**

Hughram hadn’t seen Susanna all day. She hadn’t visited him, hadn’t-

Why on earth was he entertaining thoughts so unbecoming of him? He had recovered and would leave this god-forsaken manor so despondent, screaming with pressing silence. Despite all this, his involuntary feet made him search, look around for the woman who had been his constant companion for the last month or so.

He found her sitting on the porch under the full moon, an ornate, silver mirror in her hand, head resting on one of the pillars supporting the awning. There was a bottle beside her and a few upturned cups. She had been drinking.

And crying.

A couple of tear drops had fallen on the looking glass, sliding down.

The face Hughram saw reflected in the mirror shocked and appalled him. Susanna’s forehead and temples were bleeding.

“You’re inebriated. Do not drink anymore tonight.”

This little game of playing house will end soon anyway. It wouldn’t hurt to indulge myself under the beautiful trees. She did take care of me, after all.

He sat down beside her.

“Who did it to you?”

“They call me a hideous witch in the neighbourhood, you know? Even though I protect this land and the territories beyond as the captain of the reigning army. They thought it’d be fun… to chuck rocks.” She stared up at the overhanging wisteria glistening silver and purple beneath the stars and laughed mirthlessly, blood trickling down her cheek, diluted by tears.

“Wipe the blood off your face. It-”

“-irks you, yes? But what throbs, General? Your conscience, perchance?”

“It does, in fact, I’m not ashamed to admit.”

Hughram closed his eyes. He heard her laugh and the underlying tremor in her tone.

“Worry not, Hughram, I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. Just having a spot of fun at your expense.”

“You jest again.”

“What else do I have other than laughter to keep me afloat? And besides, all of this began years ago. I was never liked around these parts.”

The Commander frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone used to call me ‘a woman but not quite’. Interesting phrase, I’ve always thought. They thought I was ‘incomplete’, ‘lacking’, if you get my drift.”

“But that is most…” He struggled to find the right words to express his disgust.

“You think? Don’t be surprised just yet, General. Everyone expected the Great Lord of the Domain to marry off his younger daughter to a handsome, princely, dashing knight, her beautiful sister having so many suitors, so to speak. Imagine their flabbergasted expressions when not only was she never looked at by the man in question, but also thought of as a ‘thing’, not good enough to be a companion or a mother. Hahahaha!” Susanna broke out into peals of laughter again. “Want to know the name of the man? Hughram Haschlicht!” 

**

“Son, it is time you looked into our domestic affairs! How long will you devote yourself to the sword? She is a wonderful woman!”

“I don’t care about unnecessary things like women!”

“Shh! They’re waiting outside! Go outside and engage in at least one conversation with the girl. She is a knight like you. I’m sure you’ll get along fine.”

“A knight? How can a woman like that be my companion for life and give me an heir when she might kick the bucket any time? Send her away! And honestly, I want nothing to do with women as strong as me! If you ask me; submissive, docile ones are far better!”

“I don’t remember raising you to be so uncouth! And lower your voice, she might hear you!”

“It’s none of my business.”

“Are you aware of what happens to a girl who returns home, not chosen by the man her parents selected for her?”

“I told you, such matters are inconsequential.”

**

“Susanna, all this time, you despised me and-”

Captain Gottheit cut him off mid-sentence and spoke in a soft, reassuring voice, “Do you know why I really brought you here? I’ve been alone for a very long time, you see. I just wanted a friend by my side. I’ve never detested you, not even once. I’ve sought sanctuary and security in you.”

Her lullaby-like tone reminded the General of the moon-light shimmering on the pond, as a gentle wind broke its still, glassy surface, a couple of white petals settling on it.

“I don’t live here; everyone left me alone in this dead manor. I hate the army as well. You’ve seen how cruel my subordinates are. But the army is the only place I can belong to. I’ve searched for a true home. Evidently, in this world, not everybody can have one.” She lifted the bottle and before Hughram could react, she took another swig. “I hate men. I hate the women here too; they don’t think of me as one of their kind.” She was starting to slur. “Just one friend, only one… Even one tiny desire had to come with a price.”

“Susanna, please, do not drink anymore.” He gently prised the bottle off her hand. However, she hadn’t ceased talking.

“That hairpin… It was from your parents. In exchange for my silence. A consolation prize. An apology.”

Aghast, Hughram inquired, “Why did you hold on to it?”

“I am a ‘wench’, remember? Foolish as I am, I fell in love with him the instant I caught a glimpse of the knight. Golden hair, jade eyes, a perfectly regal gait… So impressionable I was at that young age…”

The General felt as though someone had brandished a whiplash right at him.

“I wanted to face him in battle to judge for myself. And also, to teach him that a woman can overwhelm a man in warfare, maybe not through prowess but by sheer will.”

“I saw the… uh… ‘homely’ side of you, too, Susanna… And if I may be permitted to say, I; well; never mind… And your judgement? Was it positive?”

“I think I’ll keep that to myself. Two can play at this game, Hughram.” She grinned. “If we ever meet again, not on the battlefield, but under normal circumstances, at least lift a hand in greeting.”

“You’re dismissing me?”

“Why not? You have no obligation to remain here.”

“You’ll leave the army, won’t you? In this manor… all by yourself…”

“It’s not an issue.” She laughed again. “You know, I had a conversation with my sister once. She implied that I’ll never have a suitor if I’m interested more in my father’s sword than my mother’s mirror.” Susanna held the gilded mirror up.

**

“Farewell, Hughram. I hope you’ll-” Susanna looked down.

“Finish the sentence, Susanna.”

“It’s too late now. You’re a great warrior. But there was one battle you stepped away from.” She looked straight into his face and smiled brightly. But tempests raged behind her irises. “Oh well… I was drunk last night and my selfish words don’t count. By the way, won’t you say ‘goodbye’?”

“I won’t.” He tried lifting a hand but stepped back. Not yet. “Recall your own words. You said I was a man who traipses through the thornier road in life. I will do just that!”

**

“Why did you return, General?” Susanna, instead of being pleased, looked pained, terribly. “And after I tried so hard to get used to this cheerless place. I’ve accepted this hollow life, I’m tranquil within this vast cage. Don’t give me hope when there isn’t any.”

Hughram held out his palm. Glittering atop was a new hairpin of the exact same pattern, roses and lilies.

“This isn’t from my parents. They don’t even know about it. This is a gift from me, not a token of apology, compensation or hatred. With this, I’m formally asking for permission to court you. Will you seek sanctuary and security in me again?”

“Why now? You said it yourself, General. A warrior must not be pitied.”

“You’re wrong. A soldier’s life belongs to the knight who defeated him. I’m yours, O Great Knight, always yours. How do you expect me to tear my eyes away from a knight who was looking for companionship from me because she lost hope in everyone else, a knight whose blade was drenched in grief, a knight in silver armour who shyly extended an arm hoping a friend would take it because everyone else around her were so foreign, a knight whose engulfing warmth I missed every eve?”

“That’s gallantry. Not love. You just impulsively acted on my drunken ramblings and decided to be generous.”

“No, Susanna. I took a while to reflect. Perhaps it was a tad too long, but this wasn’t on impulse. Nor was it payback or atonement. Believe me, I’ve tried hating you, over and over again. I couldn’t. I tried closing my heart to your sweetness. Again, I couldn’t.”

For the very first time, General Hughram Haschlicht smiled.

“I don’t stand before you to lose the battle I walked away from, I came to live here and return the light that your eyes lost. This shall be my home, my haven with you, evermore.”

“Are you sure? This place is large, but dreary, sombre, unwelcoming.”

“Every night, after I was gone, I dreamt of a family, here, under the lavender shades of this garden. When you told me about your love, I was terrified beyond my wits because I had sinned, and yet I envisioned myself kissing a beautiful little boy with your eyes and skin and my hair.”

He touched her damaged cheek and whispered,

“Would you… share that dream, Susanna?”

“I’ve never had dreams. But if you guide me through them, I will wait under the wisteria for you to come and take my hand.”

In the high wind, the wisteria swayed and seemed to bless the two, witnessed by the willows and the plum. The moon draped a veil of silver over them.