The Moment

She walked into the room just as he was about to apply her new lipstick. She was shocked. He stood stock-still. "What are you doing with my lipstick? It's new...I haven't used it so far. Couldn't you have waited?" He smiled and handed it back to her. "I forgot to tell you Mom...I am playing Draupadi in our college production... rehearsals start this evening."

"Draupadi !!! No.. Seriously, I mean, Again? - His mother spoke in one breath.

"Draupadi... Sita... Menaka Rambha.. Why do you always get to play such characters? Why do you always play a female? Don't you ever ask for any male character? I haven't seen you playing any male till now. Nihaal, its high time now. Please don't test my patience. I cannot take this anymore."

She left the room with palpable anger and weird expressions on her face. Nihaal observed her silently till she was out of his sight.

Looking at the mirror, he then blushed and applied the lipstick. He gave himself a beautiful smile and said, Why should I? I love what I do. You won't understand mom.

The rehearsals continued for around a week, and the day to present it in front of a huge crowd had finally arrived.

Nihaal, loved to act. It was his first love. He had been participating in various events since his school days, and won many prizes. Nothing succeeds like success. And these victories added to his self-confidence, making him a much better actor. At college, he discovered a theatre group which not only participated in Inter college competitions, but also managed and ran its own shows. Getting selected for a role like Draupadi in such a large scale production was his biggest achievement. His happiness had no bounds.

He studied his reflection in the mirror as he was getting ready for the ACT. He looked "beautiful".

While his fellows were appreciating him for his looks and getup, he was eagerly waiting for his mother to come and the show to start.

His mother was a well-known story writer and short film director. Today, she was to grace the show as a chief guest.

There she is. Mishtha Swaroop, the chief guest has arrived. We will start in next 10 mins. One of the co-actor rushed into the green room.

Thank you for letting know Samar Nihaal replied in feminine way and was appreciated by everyone in the room for getting involved so much in to the character. He felt good.

The show started. He started.

Each dialogue he delivered, each posture he made, each expression he gave was much appreciated by everyone in the auditorium. It was, as if he was indeed living the agony of distraught Draupadi. People applauded the act. They were all praising for him. He felt awesome. The SHE inside him felt superb. SHE accepted these appreciations and evolved each passing second, turning in to a young beautiful lady. The grace on his face clearly depicted that he was celebrating his femininity, but no one around him could identify this. It was an ocean of his aspirations which was about to leave its boundaries. He was in trance which was broken as soon as he heard the words -Let’s go home. It was his Mother.

Hey Mom, did you like my performance? Nihaal asked in an excited tone.

Yeah, it was good. She replied, albeit blankly.

But....You don't seem to be happy. See, everyone appreciated your son today.”

My son? she interrupted in between. It was difficult to decipher her expressions on her face at that time.

He took a while and said Yes mom, your son.

Then, my dear son, I think we need to talk. Let's go. She gave a vague response.

He stood quite for a minute, looking at his mom, as if he understood what she is trying to say, but could not say. As if he had no courage to face her.

He recomposed himself quickly and said, Sure Mom. Give me some time with my friends. They must be waiting for me in the green room. I hardly had a word with them post performance. I'll join you at dinner, and then we can have all the discussions. Even I have to discuss lot many things with you Mom, well have a good time.

She smiled and said, Sure. Take your time, I'm leaving for home.

He hugged her tight and turned towards green room. She turned towards the exit accompanied by the escort and left.

From the window near the green room, Nihaal continued looking at his mother till the moment she was out of sight.

The time he took from his mother today, was not because his friends were waiting, but, because of the questions he had read in her eyes. He was not ready to answer those. He needed sometime alone to prepare himself for the discussion with his mother which was about himself.

He knew her and didn't want her to get hurt. Neither wanted himself to be the sufferer nor to end the fabulous relationship they had. At this point in time, he just wanted to be his mothers child and nothing else.

Dinner was ready on the table. Mishtha was seated on the nearby sofa, shuffling TV channels, waiting for her son to come. She was preparing herself for the discussion she wanted to have with him, hoping that the thought she had may be a figment of her imagination and nothing else.

While she was in her own thoughts, she heard an excited voice your cooked Rajma Chawal! Smell so nice Mom. I can't wait to have them. Please come quickly on the table now. He spoke in a very childish way, seeking her attention, and trying to normalize the environment.

He put generous serving of Rajma Chawal on his and her plates. He took his first bite, and the Rajmas just melted in his mouth. He smiled and said you know Mom, I really wanted to eat this today. You always get to know what I want. It must be a Mom thing. Because I'm a part of you, no one will understand me better that you do.

She smiled and listened to him silently.

Done with the dinner, she seated on the sofa. He laid his head on her lap.

She gently moved her hand over his head and said you performed great. Sorry my dear, I was occupied with some other thoughts and I didn't reply you well.

No worries mom, completely fine. - Nihaal replied. Is that only what you wanted to discuss with me?

Ah! No not exactly, but I think that was a momentary thought in my mind. It seems to be fine now. I don't think there's anything like that. She replied. As if she had convinced herself that his son was perfectly okay and could not be the way she was thinking.

At times, it's just better to discuss things Mom, just to avoid any further misunderstandings. You know I love you a lot and cant see your eyes questioning me. Better to discuss. He got up from his mothers lap and knelt down in front of her, holding her palm in his hands and said you have to accept me the way I am.

She was stunned. Something unexpected came her way, which she was not ready to accept at all. While she was still in shock, he continued I have read all the questions in your eyes you had post my performance. Read all the questions, said or unsaid. And the answer to all of those is YES.”

“Mom, I love what I do. I don't know from where it came and how I started thinking that way, but may be God has created me that way. Your Nihaal is female by heart, by soul, by mind, its just the body is bit different.

Stop talking rubbish. I don't need any further explanation from you she shouted.

You cannot be like that. I don't understand where I went wrong in your upbringing. Why the hell you started thinking that way. My god, I was so busy in sorting out other things in life that I couldn't even think of this. It is my negligence towards you which turned you in such a personality. Mishtha was angry and helpless.

She continued in a patronizing tone. Dear, let's be easy on this. I'll get the best psychiatrist for you. You'll get out of this very easily. Just keep patience.

No, Mom, its not that way. Its nothing related to my psychology, rather, this is what I am. I feel this way since childhood and you might remember the times when I use to drape your dupatta and play around. You enjoyed those moments too. Then, why are you are not understanding now?

He cried out loud to make her understand about his feelings.

Look Nihaal, those were your childhood activities which almost every other child does. You are not a child anymore. You are a grown male. Please understand this. I don't want to argue with you on this topic anymore. Tomorrow morning, the first thing I'll do is getting you to a good doctor. But it will be of any help only when you yourself start working in that direction. Please be normal and do not be an embarrassment for me.

She walked out of the hall in anger leaving her son in tears behind.

She didn't sleep entire night. He didn't sleep entire night.

Next morning, she cancelled all her meetings and events. She decided to be with her son till the time he needs her, till the time he is fine or according to her Normal.

She cooked his favourite sandwiches and an expressed glass of orange juice with a little mint flavour in it, just the way he liked to have and entered his room.

Nihaal Nihaal, where are you son? Let's have breakfast. While she was searching for him in his room, she found a note lying on the bed which said:

Hey Mom,

I love you a lot and I know you know that. See, you smiled. See, I know your reaction. I always knew. I know you didn't sleep last night nor did I. You must be thinking of how to convince me on what you think is right, and believe me, I was thinking same. I can't tell you how difficult it is for me to pretend what I am actually not, and how happy I feel when I be what I am inside. Mom, this is something I am facing since I know that I am bit different from others, but didn't have the courage to talk to you about this. I knew that you might get hurt, or if you won't understand, I'll feel bad. You know Maa, I am a part of you and can't see you suffering because of me. I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but you didn't let me. You think it is some psychological disorder, but I know its not. I wanted you to know that, I wanted you to understand that, but, you know, I cant fight with you. You are my support system. I don't know the step I'm talking is correct or not, but

By this moment Mishtha was heavy hearted. She had no courage left to read it anymore. Her eyes were in tears. She shouted, and called out Nihaal. Nihaaal. Where are you? See, let's talk, I'll listen to you. She searched the entire room, but couldn't find him anywhere. She was left with no other option than reading the letter further.

but, I can't see myself to be an embarrassment for you. I have no energy left to pretend the world what I am not. I thought, may be letting you know the entire struggle I had in living my life, living this this dual personality till now, will reduce my pain. I thought you'll help me enjoy my life the way I want or I can. But I was wrong. May be the way God created me is wrong. Now, he has to correct it. He has to bring up my soul with correct body, the one which everyone can accept, which you can accept. There are so many things I wanted to say to you mom, but you know I'm so bad at writing. I'll miss you a lot. You are the best mom. Don't worry! I will always be with you. Please don't cry now. I know you had searched the entire room by now and didn't find me. BYE Mom. Please open the cupboard in front of you. LOVE YOU!!

Mishtha turned cold. She has no courage to walk towards the cupboard. Certain electric current ran through her body. She stood still, soulless.

The next moment, with the sound of the doorbell, she came back to her senses. She ran towards the cupboard, opened it and found his son breathless who fell out of it into her arms, into her lap. Tears flooded her eyes. Breathing became difficult for her. Her mind blocked. Her heart started sinking. She cried out loud. She shouted out loud Nihaaaaal.

It was her husband at the door who came back from a business trip this morning. When he heard her wife crying out loud, he opened the door ajar. He rushed towards his bedroom and held Mishtha tight. He tried his best to stop her crying and get her back to her senses. But when nothing worked, he sprinkled some water on her face. She opened her eyes, but, kept on crying and saying Nihaal. Nihaal. My Nihaal

What happened to you Mishtha? Nihaal is just next to you. Look, he is playing with his toys. Her husband replied in a consoling tone.

She quickly turned her face to the other side of the bed, and found Nihaal, her 2 and half years old son, playing with blocks. He looked back at her with a cute smile.

She continued looking at him, although, not yet recovered.

Bad dream, it seems. Come on, everything is okay. Nihaal is fine. Cheer up now.

He rubbed her palm, kissed her forehead, just to make her feel comfortable.

She wept out in tears. She was almost broken, and why not? There was a moment when she lost her only son. So what if it was just a dream? What if it wasn't? Her mind was occupied with these thoughts only. There was hardly anything else she can think of.

After a while, somehow she was able to manage herself, took a sip of water which her husband was holding for her. She then stood up, wiped her tears and rushed towards Nihaal.

She hugged him, kissed him, and ensured herself that he is still with her, he is still alive. She then settled him back where he continued to play.

By this time, her husband was smiling and looking at her. She came to him, hugged him, as they were meeting almost after a week. Holding her gently he asked what happened honey? I have never seen you like this before. It was just a dream, forget it.

I can't she replied with a heavy heart. For me, it seems I lived each and every moment of it.

Okay. And what was it about? He asked curiously.

With an innocent smile on her face, she replied You must find it funny. But yes, I'll tell you. You remember the script I am working on, which is about the existence of trans-genders in the society.

Oh, yes. So what about your script? I remember you were working on its climax. Did you find a good one?

He changed the topic thinking it will help Mishtha to come out of the dream.

Actually, I have been very harsh till now for such existences in the society. But, I think I can conclude with something good now. We are living in a world where everyone has full right to live the way they want, live the life they are comfortable with. No one can judge anyone just because a majority thinks and acts likewise. Everyone is different, good and unique in his own way.

Her husband continued to stare her.

Please take your eyes off from me Mishtha said smiling.

Sure dear, but right now I'm trying to figure out if this is the same Mishtha? You are in a total different mind-set today. A week back you were not even ready to hear my similar views on this.

Remember? What happened now? He asked surprisingly.

To answer your question honey, it is just one of those moments. I simply can't explain“

She held Nihaal in her arms and said, last night was too big to realize certain things. I had lived decades trying to figure out that life is about liberty. It is about acceptance. Accepting what you are and what you have. It is about being comfortable with the world around you.”

Mishtha continued to play with Nihaal. Prashant, her husband too was happy to see her wife relaxed now.