Why do I love you?

Dear Amma.. 

Am I close to you? Some times I feel I am very attached to you and some times you are a total stranger. What made you to beat me up every time without even asking my side of the story? Did you have any idea how I cried and cried for whole night? I can’t forget how you once blurted out that you made a mistake by giving me birth.. that’s the horrible thing I heard from you.. but then again you get as normal by the next day and expect me to be a nice girl with you.. I didn’t have time to process emotions, we both knew nothing about mood swings and psychological problems we had.. no one to share my grief, and dad being on your side always made me say sorry to you. That killed me many times. My head would throb in pain and I slap and bite myself when ever I was alone. You never knew how your behaviour affected me and the circumstances it led to. You decided everything about me.. my dressing, food habits, behaviour, school, college, suitable guy to get married.. you never tried to think from my side.. how I always managed to accept and move on..

When I stayed away from you, I tried to understand you and saw some one in you who needs to be heard, seen, loved and pampered. You didn’t get them when you were growing and you subconsciously became harsh, dominating, egoistic person you are. You didn’t even realise you are trying to win over your own daughter.. God knows what dad went through all his life.. he seemed he is always after you.. but talked like always after me.. 

I am trying to heal myself from all the trauma you gifted me.. Now I am a confused and emotionally weak person with so many anxiety attacks a day.. who can’t even process a simple logic just hanging around!! Hope the inner child in you and me gets healed amma.. I will try my best to pamper you and show you what true love feels like.. 

I cant help thinking about the suffering from the childhood, teenage years, insulting episodes, comparisons.. and also how to help you get better.. I am stuck deep in this loop.. Do I ever come out of it??

Do I love you? Yes. Do you love me? Yes! Do we love dad? Yes.. Do dad loves us? Yes!! But do we know about each other?? No! Is this Love?

Most truly,

Your dear daughter.