Agony at 4 a.m.

Imagine waking up at 4 a.m. dripped in sweat and in agony 

wishing you could just be like normal kids and sleep through the night

 instead of suddenly waking up with blood on your sheets

Walking to the bathroom slowly 

scared to turn the lights on because you're scared to see the damage 

you've caused your body

Being scared of what kind of punctures your tiny human hands can bring upon your person

It wasn't even the pain that got me 

yes I was in agony all the time that's practically all I knew 

but what really freak me out was the response I would get when people saw me in the morning 

In the summer I would wearing long sleeves and turtlenecks

Sweat dripping down my open wounds hurt more than anyone could ever imagine

 it's like accidentally getting lemon juice on a cut 

but for me it's like I was squirting lemon juice all over my skin and the pain was excruciating 

it felt like my skin was on fire

Sometimes it hurt so bad 

I just wanted to say 

"pause"

 and give myself a break

 but I know that's not how life works so I just had to learn to live with it

And endure the pain

But It would hurt me more when I wore short sleeves

 because people saw those wounds

 and weren't afraid of staring or asking questions or 

giving ugly looks 

like I was crazy or like I had issues because I looked different from everyone else 

people already viewed me as different and weird 

and them seeing that side of me

 just made it even worse

 it brought the pain to a whole new level 

A level I just didn't want to walk on

Imagine waking up and seeing your own skin flaked across the bed

Or waking up not in pain

 for the first time in months and 

walking to the bathroom and seeing dry patches 

all over your face

 right when you thought you were going to be okay for that day 

Imagine being with people you thought were your friends and all of a sudden start 

interrogating you asking you all these questions like

 I'm the one who wanted this problem in the first place  

I mean there's nothing in the world I can do about this problem  

because if there was

 don't you think I would have fixed it by now ?

do you think I enjoy having painful 

ugly sores and cuts all over my body ?

Not only does that make me feel like a failure but it makes me hate myself

 "Why can't you just be like everyone else

 Why can't you have beautiful glowing skin like that girl at Walmart

Why can't you wake up with clean sheets with no blood to be seen"

Those were the things that would run through my head on a daily

Because You've tried all kinds of remedies 

and then people blame you for your skin not healing 

like you really had a say in making your skin look this way

 And anytime you find another remedy you lose hope and don't trust it because nothing else worked

The disease I have is called

 ECZEMA

It never stops never goes away

 I mean It probably can go away 

but for some reason it really likes my body

I don't know if eczema is consider a disease

 it's probably just a skin defect 

or something like that 

But for me it's like a disease because I'm stuck with it 

It changed my lifemaking it harder for me to live the normal day-to-day life whether it's just the pain or the shame that comes with it

It's handed me a lot of insecurities because of it I'm very self-conscious, body dysmorphic ,body conscious have low self-esteem and low confidence

(And i still have all of those problems including body shaming (myself only all body's are beautiful in my eyes i don't judge) and major depression even thought i no longer have eczema flare-ups.I wrote this poem/story about 4years-ago i was having alot of problem in the skin department.i have always wanted to post about this problem but was always to nervous so please be kind this subject is still a fragile ,Thank you )

 Which makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin

 and I know many people are familiar with that term

 but I think my problem is with most people

when they're stressed or depressed 

they usually try and get out of the situation that is causing those feelings

But for me

 one of my biggest problems has to do with my body and my skin

And I cant just leave my body when I im tired of it so im just stuck

 for a while I thought I was the only person who had eczema 

which made me down all the time knowing that I didn't know anyone who was in my shoes

 who could truly relate to what I was going through 

because they had gone through it as well

And even to this day I've never had very many friends in total I probably have around four .

my skin started to make me feel uncomfortable around someone that I was extremely close to 

it made me feel extremely insecure to be around that person 

without long sleeves on

 and that made me very body-conscious 

Which was a unusual feeling with her because I really didn't care how dry my skin looked or how many scars I had.

I remember just waking up one day and looking in the mirror and just being ashamed of the reflection I saw

(I remember days that I 

hated myself so much 

I would just stand in front of the mirror and cry 

wishing I was somebody else)

When she would come over to spend the night I would stay up the whole night to make sure I didn't inflict any wounds upon myself. Because that was mostly when I would scratch when I was asleep, of course my skin always itched

 but I could control it when I was awake 

but 

I didn't have that control whenever I was asleep

So to make sure I didn't cut myself at night I would stay up because

 I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in my presence because of the constant scratching

I knew none of that ever bothered her and I knew my eczema didn't faze her and didn't make her uncomfortable

 but for me it made me feel vulnerable 

And not worthy of any sort of love 

by anybody because of the way I looked

Because of my mind me looking a certain way brought a certain amount of negative emotions 

(Even though I had and have so many people in my life that love me)

Depending on the way I looked in the mirror deciphered whether I felt worthy of anything

 ( I don't know why I ever even cared she's not here now which shows something)