Intimacy

There is a fear that I have that resides in the inner valves of my heart

It sits there, waiting for a chance to pull me into its illusion

An illusion that bubbles like stew, brewing until it all falls out

I was only sixteen when my father held me by the throat and said,

”If you don’t make your man happy, he will eventually leave you”

And from that day on, I began putting bricks around my heart

Making sure that not a single space existed for anyone’s love to leach in

I feared intimacy,

The same way people feared diseases and death

I feared men

The same way children feared clowns

The idea that someone could intimately be so close made my skin crawl.

A part of me wanted to believe that the “one” existed

But my father’s words would always ring in my ears,

Managing to crush every ounce of hope that I had.

His voice just never seemed to leave me alone

I wish there was a way to let love in,

A way to make my father’s voice disappear into a bin,

But for now, life will stay like this

With me hiding in my brick home,

And love knocking at my door.