Ruin Me

It feels like I am going to die. The vodka I’m gulping is ridiculously dry almost making my food pipe sick. The smoky air is suffocating me to death. The walls of club are so damn sticky with pukes and semen. You can see everything what you expect in one of the most famous gay clubs in this town. Party lights going dimmer by the night, people swaying, grinding, and some hitting on each other. I’m so sick of seeing same people hitting on each other every fucking day. Only if my numbness soul didn’t make me uncomfortable, I wouldn’t step foot in this damn place. Most of my life is pretty fucked up especially since I came out as only gay in my family. My boyfriend hated the whole idea of coming out, he just wanted to shove his tool in secret. He broke up with me the same night I came out to my parents, with the promise that I won’t reveal our relationship to anyone. I want to feel something because I am numb. I think once I start pretending that I’m going to be fine, I’ll be fine. What’s better than drinks and nice sex? That’s why I show up here every day in sparkly dresses, high heeled boots with my PLEASING nail paints on which I wear on my secret drag shows, and I end up hooking up with someone. Yea, I’m a drag queen in secret.

The spinning room tells me that I’m way too drunk to be driving home back by myself. I need to find someone as soon as possible because a familiar sense of anxiety is kicking in. I scan through the crowd of cynical clones, trying to find Adam. My standards are way too high to fuck these drunken old fat belly strangers. I’m disgusted by the idea of what I was doing. I almost throw up. Almost. I try to get the fuck out of this room full of smoky breath of the random pervert old men who try to hit on people out of their league and end up masturbating in sink. I pushed myself through them. As I come out I try to breathe and fill my lungs with clean air when my nostrils met with a gush of cigarette mixed with very posh cologne which tastes like the smell of forest after rain. I turn my head to glance at the source and I freeze. It’s Adam Grant, blowing smoke.

Adam is a senior at my uni who is also openly bi. We’ve had drunk interactions before such as about the struggles of growing up as free birds who don’t know where to go or about why I find Tatiana funnier than Trixie. He is probably every girl’s dream man or some of the guys who want to get close to him on the skin level, including me. I mean who wouldn’t. He is in his see-through white shirt which flaunts his big bulging biceps so well. One can literally go crazy if they saw the peeking abs and his veiny hands, the thick trail of hair which begins near his navel travelling all the way down in his skin tight pants where hides the big treasure. I expect so.

He almost caught me staring.

It doesn’t matter what I think. I’m just a messed up gay boy who secretly performs in drag shows. Who will like me anyway? I looked down at the dress I have on and it almost disgusts me. Tear well up in my eyes. I don’t want to cry, not when Adam is near me. I notice a pair of carefully polished shoes has moved by my side. I try to look up when suddenly I see bent Adam’s eyes giving me curious look. I’m drunk enough to be imagining him this near to me. The alcohol is taking joy in playing with my hidden fantasy.

“You OK?” he did speak to me. I mean I see no one else other than us. To make sure my vision is not drunk-blurred, I point index finger on my chest almost making a question ‘me?’

“Yea mate. Are you okay?” he said.

“uhm..er..I..ehm yea, I guess.” I did my best not to sound so croaky.

I mean what I could’ve said to him. I can’t just lose my consciousness yet to my drunken soul and offer him the key to my memory lane and then regret it later. I mean I don’t even know him yet. Not yet.

“You seem like a fan of Harry Styles, It looks good on you btw.” He said with his eyes on my neatly painted nails.

“Oh. I’m not really a fan but I’ll take the compliment.” I almost grinned.

“You look beautiful.”

“Oh. Thanks, I guess.” Is it extra hot today or is it my adrenaline? My outfit almost doesn’t disgust me anymore. Adam likes it.

Wait. Is he trying to flirt? I don’t think so. Maybe he is. Ugh. I think I’m way too drunk. This can’t and shouldn’t be happening. Either way, if he’s flirting or not it seems to be having effect on me. I feel the heat kicking in and turning my flirt mode on. I could see few possibilities of future in front of my eyes. Either I’ll embarrass myself or I’ll get laid or probably both.

“Btw, if you don’t mind, I’d love to worship that lighthouse.” I gulped a huge amount of saliva which had stuck in my throat. I tried to sound seducing but then I just didn’t say that. That was so dumb. I fucking hate you drunk-Cal! I can see my fantasies getting shattered by the weight of my own words. Die. Die immediately. Here, now.

It took some courage to glance at him. He was staring at me with strange ‘not-so-disgusting’ look, grinning widely. He moved his eyes from my face to my dress and pursed his lips as if he could see me naked somehow. Wait, what’s that supposed to mean? This is way more confusing when I’m so far from being sober.

“Well, I don’t mind exploring mountains and caves. I’m a hiker.” he chuckled by crushing the unburnt cigarette with his right shoe.

This conversation is passing down in history. I’ll leave behind this conversation as my legacy. Honestly, this is the dumbest and weirdest flirt I’ve ever had. I’m embarrassing. We are embarrassing. It was way too funny that I couldn’t help but blast in laughter. The alcohol running in my veins is making me overdo the expressions I want to hide. That’s what I do, I’ve always done. Hide myself. Pretend. But, this moment was cheating on me.

The words came out of Adam’s mouth is playing in my head on repeat. I gazed at his face trying to explore his long brown hairs falling at his green eyes in which I could see my reflection. His big strong jawline supporting his pretty mouth which I’ll kill to kiss, pink lips which let lose the words of flirt for me. My soul was getting imprinted by his heavenly impression through my eyes when suddenly I felt a pair of cold lips pressed on mine.

“Wha-“, my eyes widened, I was so stiff that my lip muscles didn’t move but the peck turned into kiss, which further to a smooch; before I can process that I was being kissed by my crush, Adam Grant, our tongue got intertwined with each other as if we were in hot scorching desert and found a cup of water and want to gulp it at once. I could clearly taste cigarette and mint. He pushed my body against the wall and his lips on my neck leaving me in his embrace, almost getting crushed by his big arms and tempted by his cologne filled sweat. It almost felt like a scene from my favorite fanfic after all I was about to get railed by my fantasy hero.

He pushed his hands on the thick skin of my butts and picked me up by grabbing them which forced his biceps to come out for the rescue of his strong arm. He carried me into one of the spare room specifically available for that purpose while our mouths still locked. It was awfully quiet when I noticed most of the people in that room were drunk and unconscious. He threw me on the biggest couch he could find near us and started moving his hands which was ridiculously pale in contrast to my skin, under my sparkly dress, exploring every curve almost reminding me of someone I shouldn’t be thinking of at this moment. I was lying still letting take the control, but, now the alcohol took its turn and I almost tear his shirt. He looks more gods alike when he has no shirt on. We stared at each other for a moment grasping the fact how desperate we are for each other, then the blood rushed in my arms and I pulled him by his neck and I almost yanked his tongue by mine as if it’s our last day on this fucking hell. I moved down caressing his strong muscles, moving my pink lips over all the way down to unbutton his pants and confirmed my theory about the biggest lighthouse I’ve ever seen. I felt my brown skin turning into a cherry. I glanced at him shyly and saw his victorious grin as if he won a battle. It was just a matter of time when I felt him inside of me. Forcing himself in, he welcomed my toes in his pretty mouth. He was a champion in this game. His strokes hit deeper to my soul as if his soul is trying to shatter the walls I’ve build around mine. He finished in with a loud grunt and lied beside me, panting.

I felt a momentarily disgust. Like, why am I even doing this? To me, to Adam, I glanced at Adam. He probably won’t remember the moment he pops his eyes open. I’ll be just another fling for him like the ones he has every day. Although every part of this night just reminds me how bad I need this. How bad I need Adam. I always liked talking to him, being around him. I almost started feeling like I can still be in love where I was happy and fulfilled. I step my feet in everyday just so I can feel something, something more than intimacy, something which can tear down the wall of insecurities, numbness, loveless feeling I get lost in. But, the moment I start feeling something which can lead me on the path of safe haven, I fill with disgust and pessimism.

I almost was on the verge of break down. Tears were ready to flood this world. I forced my aching body to get up and leave when Adam clutched my wrist and said, “You leaving already, Ms. Poppins?”

The stiffness takes over my body. My brain was sucking every drop of blood from my body to process the fact that Adam knew my drag name, leaving my hands cold. I felt like someone shattered a bottle of wine at my head. I was scared. Adam knew my deepest secret. He probably is going to hate me; or he’ll make fun of me. If he is aware of this, so it means his friends know too. I wanted to run for my life. I glared at him with confusion and anger almost scaring him, but he behaved so nonchalant, he sat up, took both of my hands in his, looking straight in my eyes he said, “I like you, Cal. Probably more than that. I have always liked you. Every day my heart drags my legs here just so I can fill my head with your presence and sleep in peace. The day you had broken down months ago when you had broken up...”

I don’t remember this. I don’t know what is happening. It’s not like I don’t remember my conversations with Adam, most of them were drunken ones, I didn’t know Adam listened me.

“…I’d decided that I’ll make this world beautiful for you. You deserve much better than this. I attend your every drag show where you look so elegant and real. Your eyes are brighter than the sun, holding dreams you’re so scared to act upon. You’re the sweetest, bestest, and sassiest queen I’ve ever seen.”

This made me smile and chuckle even though I was bawling up. Tears were flowing effortlessly. The indescribable feeling of being happy and sad at the same time was creeping in. Adam filled me in his warm embrace as if the overflowing love wasn’t enough, and I clanged to his neck, wetting his shoulders with the dam my eyes let lose out of pain and love they couldn’t hold. I didn’t know someone could love me so much. I was loveless. I was broken and Adam chose to pick me despite the fact that he could settle with anyone who is not like me.

I whispered in my croaky voice, “I’m fragile Adam. I’m scared if I’m touched by love and emotions again, I’ll be shattered in pieces. I’ll end up hurt or probably ruining you.”

Adam cupped my smeared face with both of his palm; I saw a drop of tear fell from his left eye. Looking straight in my eyes he said, “Be my ruin.