Hasrat (Urdu - Longing)

“This time you’re going to stay strong

Just take a book along.” 

I said to myself as I got dressed to leave home.

“It’ll just last 5 minutes. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give in,”

I reminded myself for the hundredth time.

A little louder than before, but still in my head. 

I got down the building and sat in the car. 

The driver drove out the exit gate. 

I opened my book to the bookmarked page

And tried hard to concentrate but to no avail. 

I’d re-read the same paragraph thrice

Like I was reading words of a language I didn’t understand. 

 It was so darn difficult to look elsewhere

Knowing you could be around this place, somewhere. 

There I was.

The same street with the yellow Amaltaas littered on both sides.

The same street where you lived. 

My pulse rose as we drove past the tea-stall we would go to

After drunken nights because you always wanted one last cigarette.

Once famous, now it had simply become a dilapidated landmark in the area. 

I could feel my heart beating in my chest,

Louder than the song playing on the radio

While I tried to fight the maddening urge to look out the window. 

I started to switch between applications on my phone

To distract myself but lasted only about  30 seconds and then I gave in. 

I had to. I couldn’t suppress it. 

It was a need that had become a longing.

Just one glimpse. 

Just one meeting of the eyes, maybe? 

It’s almost embarrassing but there I was yet again,

Trying to spot you in every vehicle

That passed by the street we both inevitably crossed every day. 

I don’t know why I had always been so sure that you were around. 

You were there. 

You were somewhere. 

You had to be! 

It was a need that had become a longing. 

A vexing, uncontainable longing.