Is It All Worth It?

It was 4:00 AM in the morning, and her phone beeped mildly. She woke up to the first call of the alarm and turned it off within seconds, not wanting her toddler to be disturbed by any chance. She then simply scrolled through her WhatsApp chat in passive mode to check if there were any important messages from her friends and family. Before she locked her phone, she double-checked for recurring alarms and turned them all off. She then put her phone down and stared blankly at the ceiling for a while.

The first question that popped into her mind was "Is it all worth it?". Immediately, she got indulged in the thoughts of being a working mother. Yes, she was a passionate working mother who recently resumed her job after her extended maternity break. It was a work-from-home job, and she wasn't confused when she decided to handle her work and toddler simultaneously at home. But ever since she resumed work, this question of "Is it all worth it?" kept lingering in her mind.

After a couple of minutes, she voluntarily diverted herself from the question as she wanted to start off her day with positivity and confidence. She recalled her school and college days when she woke up early in the morning for exam preparations. Her mom and dad would take turns accompanying her throughout the early morning hours. This nostalgic memory bestowed her with the required strength to start her day.

She stretched her hands out and reached for the laptop. She then laid back straight and folded her legs in such a way that her knees were pointing to the ceiling and her feet were resting on the bed. She placed a cushion between her slanting legs and placed the laptop on it. She did all of these actions meticulously, with pin-drop silence and without the slightest of jerks, to ensure that her asleep toddler wasn't disturbed.

The first thing she did was mute her laptop. She then went ahead and continued to do her office work for the next three hours. She always felt that the early morning hours were the best time to start any work. The darkness outside the window slowly transitioning into mild rays of light, and the chirping of the active birds was a source of freshness for her.

She was so indulged in her work that she noticed the time a little later than usual. It was already 7:15 AM, and it was time to prepare breakfast and lunch for her office-going husband. She didn't have the heart to close her work immediately, as she was in the middle of something, and a little more time would help her close it off efficiently. But she had no other option, as she couldn't be late anymore. So she just closed the laptop and kept it aside. Turning to her side, she woke up from the bed and came out of the room, so mindful of her actions and steps.

She finished her morning routine and proceeded to the kitchen. She had to finish cooking within the next 35 minutes and quickly decided what she needed to prepare. She started off with all the tasks that would require both hands, as her toddler might be awake at any time and would insist on carrying her; though, by then, she was well versed in doing all the chores in one hand, including vegetable chopping and roti preparation.

Ten minutes later, her toddler started screaming. She ran off to the room and came back to the kitchen, carrying her toddler in one hand. She proceeded with the leftover kitchen chores and finished off her cooking in another few minutes.

It was then time to attend to her toddler, and it wasn't an easy task either. Unlike the older generation, most women today prefer gentle parenting, which gives toddlers freedom of thought and action while disciplining and shaping them up in the right way. This method of parenting requires a lot of physical and mental strength, which demands a lot more time and energy to reason out everything to the toddler in a calm manner. And it all starts with making them understand why they should brush their teeth every day.

She was still learning to catch up with many things simultaneously at work and at home. She was trying to make peace with the fact that every day is a new day, and there isn't any generalized plan for a mother that will work on all days. Though she was giving her best, she often felt she could do a little better.

She made her toddler brush, bathe, and eat. She then granted some screen time to the toddler. On most days, she indulged herself in meditation during her toddler's screen time, but ever since she resumed office work, she utilized that time to finish off any critical tasks at work.

Just as the screen time was about to finish, she had to answer an important office call. She had no other choice but to extend her toddler's screen time. Unfortunately, the call lasted a little longer than expected, and her motherly guilt soared. Instantly, she was conflicted with the thoughts of being a stay-at-home mom and a working mom, and the question of "Is it all worth it?" took over her.

A voice in her uttered, "This is why I preferred to be a stay-at-home mom. Last month I intended to prepare homemade health mix, but I wasn't able to find time for it until today. Two weeks ago, I outburst my stressful emotions on my helpless toddler, and I set a bad example for her. Last week, I wasn't able to render my full attention to her despite her being sick. Yesterday I missed taking her to the play area because of my office work. And here I am today, extending her screen time. What next? I'm literally doing injustice to my little one."

She was utterly disappointed by her thoughts, which projected her as a selfish working mother. In a couple of minutes, she came to her senses and reminded herself that she made the decision to resume work only after considering the fact that she wouldn't be able to appoint a babysitter at home, nor would she be able to send her little one to a pre-school or daycare program. By the time her call ended, she had managed to overcome her stressful thoughts and was all set to engage her little one for the next few hours.

After spending some quality time with her toddler, indulging in learning activities, and having fun playing, she went to the kitchen to prepare some fresh items for lunch, apart from the food cooked in the morning. Her toddler accompanied her and enjoyed toy cooking alongside her. Around 1:30 PM, she fed her toddler and had her lunch. It was then nap time for her little one.

Putting her toddler to bed had always been a challenging task, but she never gave up on it as she would get another 2 hours to work. After so much hesitation and resistance, her toddler finally went to sleep peacefully. A while later, she sat on the bed, picked up her laptop, and continued to work.

As she was working, she received an email from her manager asking her to provide time estimates for her future tasks. She was confused and wasn't able to come up with a proper timeframe, mainly because she wouldn't get 'at a stretch' time to complete her tasks. She had to divide her time between her toddler, household work, and office work. Sometimes, doing a job at a stretch will take a little less time than doing it in chunks of time with a lot of breaks in between. It's natural that our brain takes some extra time to come back to the place where it left off and to continue with the flow. She somehow managed to come up with reasonable time frames for the tasks and sent the estimates to her manager.

A few minutes later, she noticed her toddler having difficulty transitioning to the next sleep cycle. She closed her laptop, lay next to her toddler, and patted her to give her a comfortable feeling. Once her toddler returned to deep sleep, she slowly tried to get up from bed while her toddler whispered "Mamma, sleep with me". She then lay back in bed and resumed work in the position in which she used to work in the early morning hours.

After some time, her hands started aching all the way from her shoulders to her fingers because of her improper position in handling the laptop. Again, the question "Is it all worth it?" popped up in her mind, but she really didn't give it a second thought as she had to finish off some critical tasks before her toddler awakened.

By the time her toddler woke up, she had completed only 60% of her planned work. Yet she closed her laptop and took a break from work. She fed some snacks to her toddler, and they both went to a nearby play area. Upon reaching there, her toddler waved bye to her and went to play with her friends, while she continued to walk around the play area as a part of her daily physical routine.

As she got some alone time, her brain began to evoke all her suppressed thoughts from the beginning of the day. She tried to find out the answer to the question "Is it all worth it?", but was left in a baffled state as usual.

When they returned home from the play area, her husband was back from work. Her toddler's face brightened in excitement upon seeing him, and the little one ran straight to him. She conveyed to her husband that she had pending office work, and he assured her that he would take care of the toddler. He handed over a parcel to her, stating that it was from her best friend, but she wasn't interested in opening it up then. She simply dropped the parcel in the hall and went to her room to continue with her work. She worked for the next two hours and somehow managed to complete 90% of her task for the day by the end of it.

She then headed to the kitchen for dinner preparation. As she was cooking the dishes, she realized that she had been under constant pressure throughout the day, which was eating up her mental peace. The easiest way to get rid of it was to quit her job so she could spend peaceful time with her kid until she attended pre-school programs. Contradictingly, she didn't want to sacrifice her job either. Though she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, she couldn't imagine herself being jobless. It was something she could not easily compromise on.

The dinner was ready, and she had a quality dinner time with her family. Post-dinner, the dad and toddler proceeded to the bedroom to continue their playtime while she headed to the kitchen to clean the dishes. Not just the dishes, but it was also time to clean up her inner thoughts and conflicts. As she was cleaning the dishes, she was trying to make peace with the fact that she is a working mother. She uttered to herself, "It's ok to yell at your toddler at times; it's ok to delay the health mix preparation; it's ok to not give all of your time to your toddler; it's ok to give extra screen at times; it's ok, and it's all ok, not because you are a working mom, but because you are a human being."

Though she convinced her brain to an extent, she knew that the conflicts were going to repeat every other day, especially during those times when she felt that she wasn't doing her best for her toddler. She was done with her dishes and went to bed. She suddenly woke up from bed and came back to the hall, as she was reminded of the parcel she received from her best friend. She opened it up, and found a small photo frame in it with the quote written by Tina Fey: "I think every working mom probably feels the same thing: You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'This is impossible — oh, this is impossible.' And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible."

She was immensely relieved upon viewing it and felt revived inside out. She took her phone and thanked her friend for always being a savior in her tough times.

She then went to bed and patted her toddler to sleep. She paused all her thoughts and lay blank for a while. She then closed her eyes and visualized the difficulties of working mothers having two kids, and of single mothers who run their families without any support system. These thoughts gave her new energy to fight for a better tomorrow. She kept the alarm on her phone for 4 AM the next morning and fell asleep.

She probably had not figured out the answer to the question "Is it all worth it?", but she mustered the courage to at least ensure that she wouldn't sacrifice her passion for her motherhood and vice versa.