Killing myself Daily

Disclaimer: All character in this Content is fictional and has nothing to do with anything `Living or Dead, Content written is subjected to feeling and emotions expressed of a person who is a Fantasy, nothing intended to anyone, organization, community, creed, ethnic society or anyone living or dead…if there is any resemblance whatsoever is purely coincidental

Now that I am would completely 40 years of age, the umbilical cord from Mother is still not broken or cut, I understand stuff at the age of 5 only because of the Fight that occurs in the house. I have almost seen rape at the age of 8 and was molested by a rickshaw guy at the age of 9 or 10 years. At the age of 24 I and my younger brother had a fight, I alleged was going to get a hitman to take off my younger brother and his girlfriend (now wife) at that time all because my father had a girlish attitude to create fights between us. So this only tells you how broken I am already, now my dreams consist of burning people alive listen to their screams, or commit suicide like being almost on the verge of death and come back to life with help of course. They say, people, the average person gets almost more than 6000 thoughts per day, I get 12 lakhs thoughts in mind there actually novels and episodes that running, I thought I require a friend to talk to I don’t trust anyone except myself and the even if I go to a psychologist I would prefer a woman if it would a man I would plan to kill him too or find a way to kill him. 

So coming back to the umbilical cord I thought if I would purchase a flat and stay alone that would solve half the problems, first 35 years my mother ruled me, and for another few years, my wife, from whom I am seeking a divorce. Hope that happens soon please extend your prayers so that the separation happens fast, the funny part was to get a separation that was ready to say to judge I am impotent I mean anything that just separates me from the crowd. I am not a loner I do prefer a company but the selective about it. This true story about my first girlfriend she was so simple we never spoke, I would just look into her eyes and we could understand each other I still remember the first kiss, it was the best kiss and another on my 10th farewell day. It was so blissful, so naturally, those are two memories I treasure the most beside anything else, they are now happily married and with kids but I have the utmost respect for them, they had a selfless nature. Nowadays lucky is the guy you get that type of lady in his life.

What is this for me?

This is therapy, when I dump all this on paper I feel a bit less burden, my outlet of happiness, trust me when I say that there are tears down my eyes while I write this but it is happy tears and my wife says I don’t have emotions.

I want to write books, novels because there are ideas in my head like I have the whole universe of ideas in which I am drowned completely, immersed completely with characters, pictures, and moments, now I have goals and milestones first I had dreams, this begs the question

Have I evolved?

Do you have the intelligence to make decisions?

Is the umbilical cord cut?

Can I dive deep internally to make life-changing errors?

I am ready to take another human life?

“I love sex”, does this statement make rudely insensitive with which I shared my bed?

What fuck now I am lost again?

I need psychologists really fast before the child within is dies and bad apple with me vibrates on all frequencies, beyond the abyss if I cross over the bad side would create havoc with all life force till the bad apple is not throw in the fire.

Break me; humble me down

Let fight; Till smash your crown

Don’t poke the bear; if you’re not ready

This fellow had baggage that wipes your mark in entirely