Thanks For The Memory Of The First Love

Some love stays with us, even when it never comes true.

The autumn breeze and orange leaves, the melody of the broken twigs crushed beneath the feet, trees swinging in the sunset wind, the melody of the autumnal birds. Nature, at its magnificent. Beauty, unsullied.

I remember it still, the magic in the wind. The spell in the air. Dizzy, drowning magic. A fairytale at its rarest.

Lost in your smile, our fingers clasped. This journey, I cherished, through and through. And desired for it to last. A lifetime, and another.

Your eyes locked into mine, sharing secrets without words. And I was so lost in you.

Happiness, the only realm I wished to exist and I wanted it for you, too. Your gentle kisses, the only reprieve in my tired, worrisome life.

I had been living in the emptiness. And then you came. 

You promised, to love and to hold, through it all. You vowed, to be with me. Through summer and winter and next autumn. Through sickness and health. Through high hilltop and low valleys.

Believed, I did. In your promises. Why shouldn't I? You're the first one I had loved, the first one I'd trusted. So, I believed, in all those sweet vows.

You were like my water in the desert.

Our autumn journey I thought would be ceaseless and said so to you. You never said otherwise, accepted all my dreams. My dreams of a home amidst the wilderness, spring trees necklaced with colorful flowers, morning sunshine leaking gold inside our curtains, steaming aroma of Arabian coffee bean freshly roasted and crushed. Yes, you smiled, nodded, and I believed.

'A beautiful dream, just like you.' You would smile and I would fall in love, all over again 'I will make all your dreams come alive.'

I trusted it when you said that, wholeheartedly.

I floated, in bliss. Lived in a hazy dream. Danced, bounced and became a bird of feathery happiness.

One autumn evening, you said you've to go. 'I have some unfinished business,' you reasoned.

'Will you be back?'

'I promise.'

I didn't doubt the lie. I whispered kisses over your face and said my goodbye, never realizing this goodbye was for forever. Oh, how I wished I had known. Had I known, I would have kissed a little longer. Embraced until you were printed on my skin.

And seasons passed a blur of shadows. Lonely mornings greeted. Golden rays glinted in my tears. The songs became melancholic.

Autumn to spring, and then winter knocked. Cold with fear, iced in snow, I stared, through an empty patch, endless white. Colorless trees, frozen in stance. No breezy whisper, no birdsong. Your promises stayed in the centre of the storm.

I sat alone in the rickety chair you made for me, watching, waiting, though I know. I know.

You will never be back for me.

With autumn, I know, you have walked away, carrying the songs, the dance, the beauty, and all your promises. Oh, I know, you lied. Oh, I know your love is also a lie, and will always be. And, I don't resent you, resent it, not now.

Still, sometimes I do watch every autumn, carrying the scent of new leaves, carrying the music of new birds, and wonder what I will do if you ever come back. I know what I will do. Hoping you will come.

I watch.

Autumn, spring, winter, summer, watch it all... And am still waiting, heart in my throat, thirst in my veins. Though decades have hurried away, I still wait.

For that autumn day. For you to come back...

Just so that I can say.

'Thanks for that memory of first love.'