Myself

I can't stop beating myself about the smallest of things. It feels like the harder I try, the more mistakes I notice. My grades are high, well they should be higher. I've helped out around the house, I should've helped out more. I made myself available to anyone who needed help, I should have taken the initiative instead. I can't keep up with my own standards. For a second I'm impressed with myself, for a second I feel proud, for a second I feel like I might have accomplished something and then it just all comes crashing down. I set a higher expectation, one that makes all my efforts seem so inadequate. Then I reach it and the cycle starts again. I've never been someone who's too overly concerned about other people's expectations. But my own? I have to meet them. Knowing that not only have I disappointed others but I've disappointed myself too hurts so bad. I know I need to give myself a break yet I feel selfish for even thinking about it. I never realised what a perfectionist I was until this year when I started serious education. It pains me to think of all the little things that made me this way. I remember in primary school, always being the kid with top marks. And that one time I got a mistake the teacher stressed how disappointed she was. I guess there's 2 ways you can deal with the anger and resentment that comes with being told that at such a young age: you either direct it inwards or outwards. And that's what happened to me. It just goes to show how 'small' things can scar you so. I don't clearly remember seeing report cards filled with top mark grades, yet I can remember so well how disappointed, how rejected I felt as the teacher raved on about how unimpressed she was with my grade. Everything I do now is always plagued with the thought that I could've - I should've done better. And I know, I know people are constantly telling me that the reason I'm being crushing by pressure is because I'm gifted. Goddammit, I don't want to be gifted it if this is what it means.