Reality Always Hard

Reality is beginning to lose its meaning to me. Every day I drift further and further into my own little world, things happen and I just don't comprehend them. I feel like I'm getting so enveloped in my fantasy that everything doesn't matter anymore. I am now a puppet of the universe, with no control over my life. It's scary. But there's something else that terrifies me more than that.

I'm not myself.

I've been slowly going insane for a while now. Everything around me feels blurry, like a dream. There's a small voice screaming, screaming at me to wake up. But the moment I open my eyes everything starts fading away again. 

I used to wake up every morning feeling like someone ripped a part of my soul out and replaced it with a stranger's. The feeling of emptiness lingered throughout the day, but after some time I got used to it and I forgot about it completely. Forgot about reality. Forgot about who I was. I thought that being here would be temporary, that nothing bad could really happen in this place. After all, it is the heaven I will never be able to go to. I'll have forever to look forward to in hell, right? 

My days are numbered. My dreams are starting to fade from existence, becoming an illusion that my mind has created to protect itself from what might happen if I allowed myself to fall into despair.

My friends aren't real. They are only a mirage I constructed when I began to realize that everything around me was just that, a mirage.

Everyone I know isn't real either, they are just projections I create to keep myself sane. I can't live in this reality without someone helping me; a person who is a figment of my overactive imagination, but a person nonetheless. And it breaks my heart every single time I remember him. Even though he is always by my side, it still hurts to know that he can never be real. And with all that's happening now I need him to be real. So when he disappears and I wake up alone again I don't feel as much pain as I do before...but this time I feel cold, empty. I'm scared. Scared that I will never be able to see him for real. Scared that someday I won't get to feel his presence ever again. Scared that this will become permanent. But most of all, I'm terrified because deep down inside, even if I tell myself not to, I love him so much. A lot more than I should. And that scares me too. Because once you get attached to someone it makes it difficult to let them go. And it's a lot worse when they don't actually exist.  

There's this other part of me that's aware of what's happening to me...it knows that something is terribly wrong and that it can't be fixed. It's been trying to convince me to pay attention to the outside world, but whenever I try it suffocates me and reminds me of why I needed to leave in the first place. This thing is constantly telling me that I'm wasting my precious life away doing nothing but living daydreams. Yet, I know the truth: my life is better spent sleeping, reading or daydreaming. It struck midnight a few minutes ago and I'm trying to convince myself that today will be a better day. It's not working though.

The darkness is getting thicker, pressing against me and pushing me back under. A voice inside me is sobbing, pleading for me to wake up, but I can't find the strength to fight again. I want desperately to believe that it's all a bad dream, that it's all just a hallucination. But then I remember that this isn't just a nightmare...this, this is how my real life has become. My reality has already come crashing down around me and I can't escape the weight of my own guilt. I hate the fact that I have fallen into such a trap, that I was forced to become like this, a monster who has lost everything she loves. That I have taken so much advantage of others that they don't realize that I was just looking for help. I don't know if this Is a plea for help or just one of my many discarded drafts. I just really don't know what's happening anymore and I don't know how far I'm going to be able to go alone.